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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24134197">What ships are for</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcangel19/pseuds/Arcangel19'>Arcangel19</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidents, Character Death, Child Death, Deaf Character, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Love, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:15:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>63,177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24134197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcangel19/pseuds/Arcangel19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I really hated the Martin Ben gangster storyline of autumn 2019. I know Ben came back hardened and vengeful earlier that year, but the gangster stuff was all too much. So I have rewritten the story from October 2019 to March 2020. I have included some EE scenes and dialogues as I wanted to keep touching base with the EE storyline. I tried to keep Ben and Martin in character as much as I could, developed stories for Callum and Bobby, suggested Phil’s redemption arc, added some interest to other characters like Louise, Lola, Jay and Ruby, and, of course, focused on the greatest love story ever told – Ben and Callum.</p><p>I wrote this during compassionate leave when my lovely mum passed away. It’s probably why it’s a bit light on angst and heavy on fluff. It’s also littered with little bits of her wisdom because I was thinking about her a lot. The title comes from one of her favourite sayings; you’ll come across it in the story.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Coming out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“The reason me and Whit never got married Dad is because … because I’m gay.”</p>
<p><br/>Callum tipped his chin, defiant and proud. He could hardly believe his own ears, his own words, but this was his time. He had to do this and he had to do it now. Ben stood behind him, softly watching, knowing that this was a pivotal moment in Callum’s life. Everything would be different from now on.</p>
<p><br/>“You’re my son. Course you ain’t!” Jonno’s disbelief was etched in his angry face. “Nah, that ain’t right. Is that what this lot have made you think?” He spat out the words, glaring at Ben, at Phil, at everybody. The pub was silent. Nobody there was missing a second of this showdown. Everybody knew about the wedding that wasn’t and, if they hadn’t seen Callum holding Ben after the shooting, caressing his hair and stroking his arms, they had heard about it. Callum spoke quietly, his face pleading for understanding but also knowing that this was his truth, so other people’s understanding was not part of this.</p>
<p><br/>“No-one’s made me think anything. I know … and I’ve always known.” With that, Jonno launched himself at Callum, grabbing his shirt.</p>
<p><br/>“Get off him!” screamed Whitney, as Ben leapt to Callum’s defence, Jay and Lola jumping in to keep Ben off, Whitney and Stuart holding Jonno back.</p>
<p><br/>“It’s him,” yelled Jonno jabbing his finger at Ben, “it’s him that’s turned you into one of them. A disgusting, muck-loving faggot!” As the hate-filled words left Jonno’s lips, Phil stepped forward, livid with rage and landed a huge punch. Ben was jubilant. Phil, his dad, his very own homophobic dad, sorting out a fellow bigot. What a moment!</p>
<p><br/>“Out! Everybody!” ordered Mick. As landlord of The Vic, he couldn’t have brawling in his pub, no matter how much he sympathised. He’d watched the scene unfold with a sense of relief until the fighting started. He’d known Callum all of the younger man’s life. Yes, he could easily believe Callum had always known; Mick himself had always suspected. There had been clues for anybody watching with an open mind: girlfriends who were really just good pals, that friend in the army that Callum spoke of so wistfully, the way that Callum always seemed a bit lost and lonely. Mick also had his own experience with his son Johnny. He could recall the time when Johnny came out as though it was yesterday; Johnny’s pain, confusion and fear would be forever lodged in his heart. He was, however, concerned about Callum’s choice of first boyfriend - Ben Mitchell of all people! He was trouble on legs that one. Callum was a gentle, good soul who was looking for true love, commitment, loyalty and happiness. Privately, MIck had some well-founded doubts that Ben was going to be the one for Callum but, at the same time, there was something about Ben. Mick was a perceptive man and a strong judge of character. There was definitely more to Ben than he cared to show people.</p>
<p><br/>The punters gathered outside, Jonno shouting his mouth off about calling the police, Stuart shutting him up and Callum Highway, baby gay, kissing Ben Mitchell.</p>
<p><br/>“Alright alright, “ Ben smiled, breathlessly pulling away. “I’ll go on a date with ya.” Callum smiled back, locking eyes with the man who seemed to have taken up permanent residence in his head.</p>
<p><br/>“Who says I want to after that kiss?” he quipped back. Right now, he just needed to take a breath. He was overwhelmed and needed some space. And he wanted to be in control and manage Ben, not the other way round.</p>
<p><br/>“You don’t?” Ben was still grinning from ear to ear, gazing lovingly at the man in front of him. Fuck, he was into him in a big way. He was so beautiful and sexy, with eyes that spoke volumes and such big hands that held Ben’s head so tenderly just then when they were kissing. Ben felt lightheaded at this rush of thoughts but, as much as he was usually completely preoccupied with his own pleasures, he recognised that this moment was not about them together. This was Callum’s day and Ben was massively proud of him. Ben’s heart felt like it was going to burst and he laughed at his gorgeous friend. Callum smiled.</p>
<p><br/>“I’ll drop ya a text and we’ll take it from there,” and with that riposte he was gone, striding through the square, head held high, feeling lighter and stronger than he ever had.</p>
<p><br/>                                                                                                                                       +++</p>
<p><br/>Callum walked round to the park and sat at the bench, remembering that night some months ago with Ben. Ben had thought Callum was going to have a go at him but Callum had been desperate to reach out, knowing that Ben would understand and would help him. He had told Ben how lonely he was even though he seemingly had everything he had ever wanted. He had wept and Ben had held his face and wiped away his tears. The look in Ben’s eyes had been so soft, so caring. Then they had kissed. Callum had never experienced anything like it, an explosion of emotion and desire; all he could think of in that moment was how much he wanted Ben. It was a fierce, clumsy sexual encounter but it had been intensely real for Callum. His inexperience, his ignorance could have been embarrassing but Ben had ensured that it wasn’t, guiding him through and checking he was ok. Although Ben had said once about being the gay Dumbledore to Callum’s Harry Potter (yeah, the Walford hard man loved Harry Potter), it hadn’t felt like that for that night in the park. It had felt like they were sharing something new for both of them.</p>
<p><br/>He frowned at the Harry Potter recollection. What had Ben said about their first encounter? It was fun? Intense? Later on, when Callum had shown no signs of leaving Whitney, Ben had made out like it as just another hookup, a good one but not more than that. Callum remembered the stab of hurt; this was where confusion set in for him. He knew Ben cared for him. Ben had been so careful not to rush him to come out simply holding up a mirror so that he couldn’t hide quite as well as he had previously. Ben had been there every time Callum needed him. It was more than that though. They were friends, really good friends. They told each other things, big things like when Ben was tempted to kill his dad, and small things like Ben’s not-so-secret love of Disney. They laughed a lot and Callum always felt so comfortable around Ben. They had something, a connection forged through similar backgrounds but definitely including an emotional attraction and a strong sexual tension. But would Ben want to be in a relationship with him? Callum knew himself enough to know that was what he wanted but he wasn’t as sure of what Ben wanted. He sighed. Ben was so much more sexually experienced than him. He paraded his hookups like trophies and flaunted his sexuality like a weapon, flirting with any man who crossed his path. Callum remembered vividly their first meeting, Ben’s twinkling eyes and the way he looked Callum up and down as he was pouring the beer. Callum hadn’t even been looking his way but he could feel Ben’s appraising gaze. Sitting now at the park bench, wondering about his next move, Callum wondered if Ben didn’t engage emotionally with sex. That would be a problem as for Callum that was an intrinsic part of physical intimacy. Would they work out? Were they even compatible?</p>
<p><br/>Even though it was mid-October, it was warm. The sun was shining, bouncing light off the trees. Callum was practised at mindfulness and he sat for a few minutes, noticing the variety of greens, sparkles of light shimmering in and out of the quivering leaves set against a clear blue background. He switched off the sounds and the smells and concentrated on what he could see. Gradually he tuned back in, admitting the noises closest to him, his own movements, leaves rustling; then further away kids playing, drinks being bought at the kiosk; further away still, the tube, the market. Callum was from Canning Town, not far from Walford. He knew East London like the back of his own hand. It was where he was from and he knew he had made the right choice coming back here. This corner of Walford, Albert Square, was his home.<br/>On his way home, he stopped at the chippy to pick up some dinner. Staring at his food, Callum remembered with a smile how much Ben loved chips. A sudden insight jumped in and he realised that he didn’t know much about Ben’s other food preferences. In his head, he was busy setting them up as boyfriends but they hadn’t even had a proper first date. He needed to slow down and not get ahead of himself. They had done things in a peculiar order and maybe what they needed now was to start at the beginning. There was no rush. Feeling more settled, more confident, Callum tucked into his chips.</p>
<p><br/>Walking towards his flat, he tried to push all thoughts of Ben away, so that he could concentrate on the fact that he was gay and out. He felt slightly giddy at the thought, and his beautiful smile creased across his face. A woman across the street glanced at him and smiled back. That moment made Callum aware that she didn’t see a gay man, she saw a happy man. That’s what he was – happy!</p>
<p><br/>                                                                                                                         +++</p>
<p><br/>Ben sat opposite his dad at the kitchen table.</p>
<p><br/>“How’s your hand?” He nodded at Phil’s bruised and bloodied knuckles.</p>
<p><br/>“Noffin that ain’t happened before.” Phil was a tough guy, macho in the extreme. The name Mitchell was held in some regard locally and not the good kind. His business dealings were half legitimate and half not, all organised so that the dodgy stuff couldn’t be traced back to him. In the past, he had been arrested and had done time, and this latest incident was likely to lead to yet another visit to the cop shop. There were whispers of people who had disappeared after crossing Phil. Vincent Fox, a nark who had lived on the square, was one. Luke Browning, former lover of Ben and son of the rapist of Ben’s mother, Kathy, was another. It was enough to make people nervous. As the day had shown, Phil was certainly good with his fists and he had heavies who were even better. Unsurprisingly, people were careful around Phil Mitchell.</p>
<p><br/>“What? You’re regularly around fightin’ for the protection of gays, are ya?” Ben was joking … and not. Acceptance from his dad was everything to him. Phil rolled his eyes.</p>
<p><br/>“For the last flamin’ time, I ain’t got no problem with gays. I ain’t got no problem with you. And I ain’t got no problem with your man.” Ben raised his eyebrows, grinning at his dad.</p>
<p><br/>“My man?” Wow! Was his dad actually making progress?</p>
<p><br/>“Yeah, that Callum.” Phil watched Ben carefully. He accepted that his son was gay, but he didn’t want him turning into one of those flouncy types. The other boyfriend, Paul, had been like that in Phil’s opinion. In truth, he had been a playful young man who had allowed Ben to be himself, but Phil wasn’t that objective. Callum, well he was a different matter. Phil didn’t understand Callum any more than he had Paul, but he could sense the man’s strength of character. For reasons that Phil himself couldn’t fathom, he liked Callum, and, most importantly, he liked Callum for Ben. Callum would care for Ben, look out for him and be loyal. That was what Phil wanted.</p>
<p><br/>“I don’t know if we can call him my man.” Ben paused, his face betraying his dream. “Yet.” He looked up at his dad. “I … I’m hopeful.” Ben coughed into his hand and looked away, not wanting his dad to see him being a lovesick idiot. Phil sized up his son: somewhat blind, somewhat deaf and very much gay, he wasn’t exactly what Phil had imagined a son of his might be. He’d imagined cheeky and into football like his adopted son Denny, light on his feet and good at boxing like his fostered son Jay, tough and manly like his son-in-law-to-be Keanu, and, above all, straight. But he wasn’t disappointed like Ben seemed to think, and he recognised that he’d made mistakes that led directly to Ben’s insecurities. Nonetheless, Ben was not easy. Phil stifled a sigh, knowing that Ben was hyper-vigilant about these things and it would lead to yet another row about the state of their relationship. Phil did love Ben and he wanted him to be happy. Maybe sticking up for Callum today would soften Ben’s judgement of him. Phil hoped so.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. His hard man image</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Jay has been a bit grumpy of late and I wanted to show that he has a fun side.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum laughed aloud, zooming in on the photo Lola had sent to him.</p><p><br/>
“What?” said Jay, interest piqued.</p><p><br/>
“He’ll probably kill me for showing you, but look.” Jay walked round behind Callum to look at the picture, laughing with Callum when he saw the photo of Ben in full make-up, sporting a tiara and a wand.</p><p><br/>
“That’s not gonna do anything for his hard man image,” Jay snorted, nudging Callum to air-drop the photo to him. Callum obliged, not caring a jot that Ben would be annoyed.</p><p><br/>
“Can you spare me for half an hour? I was gonna take these round later,” he asked, using his puppy-dog eyes and shaking a bag of iced buns, “but I … well … it might be a laugh, you know … and they are havin’ a tea party an’ all …”</p><p><br/>
“Just go ya numpty before I remember we are runnin’ a business ‘ere.” Jay laughed as he watched his friend dash out of the funeral parlour and, with an amused sigh, he turned back to the dreaded paperwork.</p><p><br/>
Moments later, Callum burst through the Beales’ kitchen door and headed into the living room where he could hear Ben and his daughter Lexi playing.</p><p><br/>
“Callum!” squealed Lexi, jumping up excitedly and running over to give him a hug. “Daddy look, Callum’s here! What’s in there?” She grabbed the bag from Callum’s hands and peered inside. “Oh Daddy, he’s brought PINK iced buns!”</p><p><br/>
Callum couldn’t see anything of Ben other than a pair of feet sticking out from behind the chair. He silenced Lexi with a finger to his lips, involving her in a game of pretending to find her dad. His conspirator gave him an exaggerated wink and called up the stairs,</p><p><br/>
“Daddy, are you up there?” She waved her arms towards the chair, urging Callum to move towards Ben. Her shoulders were shaking hopelessly as she had a silent fit of the giggles. Callum obediently moved around the chair until he was standing over Ben who was curled up on the floor with his face in his hands.</p><p><br/>
“Cover ya face but keep the tiara on?” Callum questioned, before collapsing on the chair, Lexi jumping on top of him and the pair of them howling with laughter. Ben sat up watching his daughter and his friend laughing hysterically, tears rolling down their faces. A sudden thought that he didn’t know how to describe his relationship – friend? boyfriend? - flitted across his mind but he pushed it away. It was a heart-warming scene and he spent a few moments enjoying it.</p><p><br/>
“Alright, ya finished now?” he scolded affectionately. “Time for buns?”</p><p><br/>
Ben hadn’t meant to bring Callum into Lexi’s life at such an early point in their fledgling relationship but it was difficult with them all living and working on and near the square. An added difficulty was that Lexi was both smart and nosey and had worked out in a heartbeat that her daddy had a new friend who made him happy. A second heartbeat was all she needed to work out that this person was Callum. She had told Ben of her detective work as they were strolling through The Square one day.</p><p><br/>
“I want him to be my friend as well,” she stated determinedly, looking at Ben with her best no-nonsense look.</p><p><br/>
“It might not work out between us, Lex,” Ben said carefully, not wanting to think about that possibility.</p><p><br/>
“For you it might not, but I am really good at keeping friends.” Lexi’s little face told Ben that she was deadly serious. “If Callum doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, he WILL still want to be mine. I’m not with you all of the time, so he can be my friend when you’re not there.” Faced with this unassailable logic, Ben had decided on proper introductions and invited Callum over for a movie night.</p><p><br/>
Of course, it went well, brilliantly well. Callum was a natural. He talked to Lexi directly like she was a very important person to know. He understood her saucy sense of humour immediately (not least because it reminded him of someone else) and played along, much to her amusement. He genuinely seemed excited at the prospect of spending time with her and they chatted non-stop throughout the movie, much to Ben’s irritation. Most impressively, Callum was the one person who could be firm with Lexi without it resulting in a tantrum or sulking.</p><p><br/>
“He’s a keeper,” said Lola, Lexi’s mum, to Ben one evening when Callum had taken Lexi to clean her teeth.</p><p><br/>
“What if it doesn’t work out?” mumbled Ben, chewing his nail distractedly. He loved his relationship with Callum, he really did, but surely, eventually, something would go wrong and Callum would realise that Ben was not so great after all.</p><p><br/>
“What if it doesn’t work out with you, you mean. Me and Lexi, we’re keepin’ ‘im.”</p><p><br/>
                                                                                                                        +++</p><p><br/>
Ben was still chewing his nails some time later in The Arches, waiting for Martin Fowler to turn up. Martin was his mum’s nephew and Ben’s half-brother Ian’s cousin, so a sort of cousin. Martin had never much liked Ben and Ben had never forgiven Martin for an incident never to be forgotten, when the bully teenager Martin had dangled a very young Ben off the railway bridge. Other than that, Ben believed that he and Martin could be mates given half the chance.</p><p><br/>
Cutting a long story short, the Slater family, including Martin’s wife Stacey, had stolen A LOT of money from Phil, or perhaps more accurately, kept money which had been stolen from Phil. This had led to a confrontation where Stacey had hit Phil around the head with a wrench, leaving him unconscious. Whilst in hospital, Ben had been sorely tempted to finish Phil off. Stacey had previous so had done a runner. Ben had covered up for the Slaters so that he could frame his brother-in-law-to-be Keanu, who he hated because he thought Phil loved him more than he loved Ben. Phil, of course, had found out everything. Ben groaned aloud, staggered at what a colossal idiot he had been.</p><p><br/>
Amazingly, Phil had managed to get past Ben’s shenanigans as well as the murderous thoughts, but he was not prepared for Stacey get away without consequences.</p><p><br/>
“She better not show ‘er face round ‘ere,” he’d stormed. “Yer mum’s begged me to leave her be on account of her bein’ family but I can’t have people finkin’ I’ve gone soft. She needs to stay away – permanently!”</p><p><br/>
So Stacey had stayed away. Martin initially went with her but couldn’t find work, so came back to the market to earn a living, where he ran Ian’s fruit and veg stall. But it just wasn’t enough. He was trying to pay Stacey’s rent and his own and he couldn’t keep up. He’d told Ben this much already. When he asked for the meeting, Ben knew it was going to be about how he could get more funds.</p><p><br/>
“Alright mate?” he greeted Martin cheerily when he arrived.</p><p><br/>
“I’m not yer mate,” Martin scowled. “If I didn’t have to be ‘ere, I wouldn’t be.” Ben looked at his tall sort-of-cousin and wondered why so many people thought he didn’t mind their rudeness. Everywhere he went, there were snide comments and dirty looks. He had developed a very thick skin.</p><p><br/>
“If it’s any consolation,” he purred, not giving away any hint that he minded the unfriendliness, “I’m not sure you should be ‘ere. I don’t think my old man would like it.”</p><p><br/>
“I don’t want to lend any money from you.” Martin snapped, staring at Ben belligerently. Ben could see a pulse angrily throbbing in Martin’s neck. His facial features were contorted with pain and fear and anger. Ben was not a heartless man and he didn’t like to see Martin like this. He was also a Mitchell and the family motto was ‘kindness is a weakness’ so he was careful not to let his compassion show.</p><p><br/>
“Good, we’re on the same page so far then.” Ben waited patiently. Martin paced the length of The Arches, coming back to the doorway and punching the wall. Ben winced. That was going to hurt. “Do you want sit down, mate?” he offered, kicking out a stool.</p><p><br/>
“Again,” hissed Martin, falling onto the stool. “I am not your mate.” Ben’s patience was running thin. He was going to be expected to help this man, because his mum would want him to do the favour, but keep it on the down low, because his dad wouldn’t want him to do the favour. Fucking family! He stood up, grabbed his coat and swirled it on to his shoulders and arms. It was a move he’d copied from some character on a TV show, and he enjoyed doing it. It was part of his swagger. Picking up his keys, he looked at Martin questioningly.</p><p><br/>
“We done here?”</p><p><br/>
“I need you to put me on a job,” mumbled Martin, struggling to get the words out.</p><p><br/>
“A job? What kind of job d’ya mean Martin?” Ben knew exactly what Martin was asking but he was in no mood to make it easy for him.</p><p><br/>
“The kind of job that you do, that your dad does. The kind that earns big money and quick. I’ve got problems and I need an injection to get me through.” Martin took a deep breath that bordered on a choke, his face revealing the devastation he felt at being in this position. “I can’t look after my family. I just want one job. I mean, I want to do it once. Just once. I’m not like you.” Martin sunk his head in his hands and refused to look at Ben. Ben, for his part, had been feeling sorry for the big man, right up until the last sentence.</p><p><br/>
“Oh, what am I like Martin?” His voice took on a steely edge. He tipped his head to one side and stared stonily at the man in front of him. “I don’t think I was the person who stole from my dad or hit him over the head with a wrench.” Martin sighed and flopped further forward, barely staying on the stool. At this rate, his head was going to hit the floor.</p><p><br/>
“I’m a dad Ben. I gotta provide for my family,” he muttered.</p><p><br/>
“I’m a dad Martin. I gotta provide for my family. How are we so different?” Ben wasn’t sure why he was seeking validation from this man but he felt like he had a point to prove. He was hardly involved in his dad’s dodgy dealings and Phil had made it abundantly clear that Keanu was his successor not Ben. Sure, Ben knew stuff but why was he always branded as terrible? He wasn’t that bad.</p><p><br/>
“Okay, okay.” Martin crumbled and his voice took on a pleading tone. “Please can you arrange with your contacts for me to be used on a one-time job to earn some serious cash? Is that possible?”</p><p><br/>
“Yes Martin, that is possible. See how reasonable I can be when you are polite to me?” sneered Ben. He was tired of this conversation and he wasn’t sure how he was going to pull off involving Martin in a job without Phil hearing about it. Why was he even helping Martin? Ben knew it was because he couldn’t help himself. He did have kindness in him … and it WAS a weakness. He walked over to Martin’s bent over figure, grabbed his jaw and made direct eye contact. “Now get out,” he snarled. “I’ll let you know when you’re needed.” Martin unfolded himself from his slumped position. He walked to the door and turned round to face Ben.</p><p><br/>
“You’re a twat!”</p><p><br/>
Ben smiled to himself as the door closed. Now there was a term of endearment!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Control</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Obviously EE is pre-watershed, but we all know Ben and Callum don’t make sense without sex. Not being a gay man, I’m not going to be able to write gay sex in an authentic way, but I couldn’t leave it out altogether. Apologies for any ignorance!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben locked up The Arches and set off for Callum’s flat. He knew they had the flat to themselves and was looking forward to unwinding with his gorgeous … what was he? This was ridiculous. Callum was his boyfriend. They just hadn’t talked about it yet.</p><p><br/>Ben had only had one other proper boyfriend, a relationship brought to a tragic end because of Ben’s inability to keep his mouth shut. His heart used to ache for Paul. The pain had, over time, changed to his heart aching for what he had with Paul. Ben understood that this meant that he had made his peace with Paul being gone but it didn’t change the fact that he still blamed himself for Paul’s death. Those killers would not have attacked them if he had not provoked them and he could not make his peace with that. How could he? As much as he wanted another chance at the intimacy that he had lost, he didn’t think he deserved it and was terrified of getting it and losing it. It was too much of a risk. Yet here he was, letting himself into his boyfriend’s flat and taking a step towards that risk.</p><p><br/>Callum was sprawled on the sofa. He’d taken off his jacket and tie, and looked tantalizingly sexy in his fitted white shirt and tight black trousers. Ben loved Callum’s strong thighs and bum. They had slept together many nights now but hadn’t gone any further than great blowjobs; Ben let out a small satisfied sigh to himself remembering those. Callum was an excellent student and he was a top-notch teacher. He knew Callum wanted to go further and would bring it on when he was ready. Ben also knew that he could push it and do much more with those legs and that arse but he wanted Callum to feel just right. He would not push it; they would go at Callum’s pace. He dropped himself down next to Callum and draped his head and shoulders across the wonderful thighs. He felt Callum’s hand caress his hair. God, he could never get bored of that.</p><p><br/>Callum looked down at Ben. His legs were practically moulded to Callum’s own and he was snuggled into Callum’s lap. It was almost child-like and Callum had a quick thought about Ben’s need for comfort. He knew where it came from; they were similar in this way. They each had experienced a mother’s love and then lost it. Then shit fathers had not looked after them properly. Ben turned his shoulders to look up at Callum.</p><p><br/>“What’ya thinking?” he asked quizzically, searching Callum’s face for clues. Callum wanted to tell him how much he loved him, that, when they were cuddled together like this, he felt complete, but he knew Ben was very bruised from his experience with Paul and was scared of falling in love. They had talked a lot about Paul and about Callum’s first love, Chris. It was early days for them and they were just getting to know each other’s past and present. Callum could sense that Ben wasn’t ready for such a declaration. It didn’t matter though as Callum’s hopeful heart was happy to wait for Ben to catch up. He smiled gently at the man in his arms.</p><p><br/>Ben looked into Callum’s eyes and saw the generous love that Callum was showing. Ben loved him so much. He knew he should calm down but he couldn’t help himself. Callum was able to turn his back on the things that didn’t make sense to him. He was completely himself; he didn’t get sidetracked into pleasing people that couldn’t be pleased. He was noble and Ben was filled with admiration. And fuck he was sexy! Could this work? Was he good enough for this amazing man?</p><p><br/>“Could ask you the same thing,” murmured Callum, pressing soft lips on Ben’s, “although I think we might be thinking the same thing …” The kiss deepened and Ben moaned with pleasure. He couldn’t help himself. He didn’t remember moaning at kisses before Callum but Callum’s kisses awoke his body, creating tingling sensations that rippled across his skin and seriously messed with his ability to think. He moved himself so that he was sitting in Callum’s lap. That way Callum didn’t have to bend over quite as much and Ben wouldn’t have to endure the whinging about an achy neck. Callum’s hands slipped to his waist and deftly untucked his shirt, moving smoothly across Ben’s bare skin.<br/>Callum loved the feel of Ben’s skin under his hands. Ben was now nibbling his ears and expertly finding on Callum’s neck a particular spot that, when kissed, made Callum weak at the knees. Ben kissed his neck and unbuttoned his shirt and Callum felt the mini fireworks go off in his brain. For the hundredth time, he marvelled at the fact that Ben could provoke this response. He was a sexy little shit. His actions were designed to tease and Callum often spotted an element of mischief when they locked eyes. He was learning that he could trust Ben, that he could lose himself in the fireworks. He let himself go.</p><p><br/>Ben felt the yield in control from Callum. This was new. Previously Callum had retained an awareness of what they were doing and Ben had been able to sense when he was starting to feel nervous so that he knew to slow down and to focus on building Callum’s confidence. Now he could feel Callum’s unbridled ecstasy and it was intoxicating. Ben closed his eyes and let himself just feel.</p><p><br/>Callum shrugged off his shirt and pushed Ben’s off. Leaning back, he slowly brought Ben down with him, each undoing the other’s belt and pushing down trousers and shorts as they went. Their hard cocks rubbed together, and they railed against each other building up the euphoria.</p><p><br/>“Shit Callum. This is …” Ben moaned, a deep shudder pulsing through him. He lay firmly on Callum wanting to make as many points of contact as possible. If he could have crawled inside him, he would have. God, he wanted to be inside him. Lifting his head, he gently bit Callum’s bottom lip. He was acutely aware of Callum’s heavy breathing, of the warmth and dampness of his skin, of their connection. It was electrifying and Ben felt his consciousness slipping into bliss again.</p><p><br/>“Ben, look at me,” whispered Callum. Ben opened his eyes to see Callum looking at him. It was as though they were staring into each other’s thoughts. They both knew what was being said. Ben silently asked Callum if he was sure. Callum silently answered that he was.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                +++</p><p><br/>Callum pretty much always woke first. It was one of his favourite things to watch Ben sleeping. His face was so different without the tough guy persona, without the sass and the sarcasm. Callum had seen this face on occasions when Ben was with Lexi and didn’t know he was being watched. In the mornings, once or twice, when Ben awoke, Callum saw this face for a short time before Ben became Ben Mitchell for the day. He suspected Ben didn’t love Ben Mitchell. Callum was an observer of life and knew that everybody who had lived any kind of life had broken bits. The trick was to embrace the journey, to be thankful for all things good and bad as everything has the potential to help you grow. He was a living embodiment of this philosophy. Ben had a significant amount of broken bits and Callum wanted to help him but it could only be if and when Ben wanted the help.</p><p><br/>“That, last night, that was fuckin’ amazin’!” murmured a sleepy voice, eyes still shut.</p><p><br/>“You awake?” asked Callum, hesitant to disturb Ben’s slumber.</p><p><br/>“Yeah! Somebody’s eyes were burnin’ into my face and I was in danger of combustin’.” Ben opened his eyes and smiled at Callum, who was looking confused about how Ben could possibly have known he was being watched. “You go still and your breathing is quiet,” Ben explained. A confident, cheeky look settled on him. “So … how was it for you?” Callum took a moment to realise he was referring to the sex of the night before, the breathtaking, astounding sex. Ben was looking at him like he expected to be told that he was a love god, which of course he was and some, but Callum thought maybe his ego didn’t need the boost.</p><p><br/>“You’ve had sex with women, yeah?” Callum asked. Ben nodded.</p><p>“Not much though,” he qualified, wondering where Callum was going with this.</p><p><br/>“Well, yeah, me neither. ‘Cause I never really wanted to and if I could make an excuse, I did. And then, last night, there was nothing I have ever wanted more. It was … like … exactly right.” Callum glanced at Ben, looking for affirmation that Ben understood. Ben smiled and nodded reassuringly, and then his eyes twinkled mischievously.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, yeah, but babe,” he wheedled, still fishing for flattery, “was it mind-blowing? Like explode your head stuff.” Callum rolled his eyes at the innuendo. Ben wasn’t finished. “You know I’m not gonna be satisfied unless your mind was blown as great as your …” Callum laughed, silencing Ben with a kiss.</p><p><br/>“I think I need more practice,” he suggested coyly. Ben’s eyes widened and he pressed his lips together in a delighted smile.</p><p><br/>“That can be arranged any time you like.”</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                 +++</p><p><br/>Ben bounded into the funeral parlour office to see Jay on his way out.</p><p><br/>“Somebody’s happy,” grumbled Jay, disgruntled about the amount of work sitting on his desk.</p><p><br/>“Yeah well, me and Callum had a VERY good night,” grinned Ben. Jay held up his hands.</p><p><br/>“I don’t need to know. You’re my brother, I love you and I’m ‘appy you’re ‘appy. It’s enough,” he laughed, warmed by Ben’s enthusiasm. “Will the love of your life be joining me today to do some actual work in his actual workplace?”</p><p><br/>“Callum, if that is to whom you refer, is ironing his trousers in preparation for looking fine at work. I will be back to admire the trousers, how they hug all the right areas, at lunchtime.” Ben leered cheekily and Jay burst out laughing.</p><p><br/>“Go and annoy somebody else, you twat!”</p><p><br/>Yes, thought Ben as he left, definitely a term of endearment. He fished out his phone and called Martin. He had contacted on old prison buddy Tubbs about a job for Martin. Tubbs was running a loan shark operation and needed somebody tough for collections. Ben didn’t like the money lending; exploiting people at a low point in their lives did not appeal. He wasn’t absolutely sure Martin would be good for the job as he would have similar sensibilities, but he did at least look imposing. And this job was well away from Phil which was perfect as far as Ben was concerned.</p><p><br/>“Ben.” Martin answered the phone abruptly.</p><p><br/>“Well good morning and how are you?” sassed Ben. Martin was silent. Ben’s good mood dissipated fast. “Listen you fucking moron. I am doing you a favour so cut the silent treatment.”</p><p><br/>“You got something for me?” asked Martin, his voice flat, resigned to doing what he had to do.</p><p><br/>“Oh okay, be like that. I’ve given your number to an old prison buddy. He’ll be in touch.” With that, Ben rang off. Two seconds later, a call came in. It was Martin.</p><p><br/>“Martin me old mate, how are you? What can I do for you?” he burbled, determined to annoy his sort-of-cousin.</p><p><br/>“Ben you’re hilarious,” snapped Martin, sounding about as far from amused as it was possible to be. “What is the job?”</p><p><br/>“Picky, are ya?” Martin didn’t answer. “Ask Tubbs when he calls you.” Ben rang off.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                +++</p><p><br/>Callum was thoughtful as he was ironing. He was used to self-analysis; he’d had lots of talking therapy when he was in the army after what happened. He knew how to look after his mental health although he now knew that he had withheld part of himself; being gay was something he hadn’t mentioned at any of the counselling sessions. He had successfully repressed himself for years but, he now realised, it had not been the right thing to do. He was gay and he had always been gay. Repressing that had only hurt him … and others, he reflected guiltily, thinking of Whitney. But now he was completely himself, so he could pay attention to the other parts of his life that weren’t quite right.</p><p><br/>It had been an amazing night and he was feeling very confident of his personal life. He and Ben were at the beginning of their relationship but, he could feel it in his bones, this thing with Ben was a very, very good thing. He was falling in love with that cheeky, exciting, bad, good, soft man. It made him feel exhilarated and alive and he wanted to smile all the time. There was also a feeling of being in a family that he loved. Lexi was great. Callum had always wanted to be a parent and he saw his relationship with Ben’s daughter in that way, as a kind of extra dad. He was becoming firm friends with Lola as well. As Lexi’s mum, she welcomed the relationship between Lexi and Callum as much as Ben did which meant a huge amount to Callum.</p><p><br/>But work was not right. He was grateful for the funeral parlour job and he was exceptionally good at the people side of it but, disappointingly, it didn’t feel fulfilling. It was important for him to have a purpose and he wanted something more than the funeral parlour could offer. He had watched the emergency services personnel when Ben was shot. Paramedics, police and hostage negotiators were all there with specific roles to support those who needed it. Could he be one of those? He didn’t have many qualifications. He’d enlisted at 16 pushed on by his dad and brother. Would his army experience count for anything? He resolved to spend some time researching these careers but, in the meantime, he had a job to do and he needed to get on with it.</p><p><br/>As Callum arrived in the office downstairs, he saw Jay was immersed in paper. It did not look organised and Callum’s heart sank a little knowing that he would have to help sort it out. Callum was aware that Jay found the paperwork difficult. From their conversations, he knew that school had been a hit and miss affair for Jay and he had even less qualifications than Callum. Not that qualifications were essential of course; plenty of people were smart without being booksmart. But Callum was experienced enough to know that a decent education seemed to be helpful when it came to being organised and businesslike. Jay, like Ben and Callum, had been through a difficult childhood. School had been something to get through rather than to get something out of. Ben only had more exams because he did them inside; he was also a secret reader, another habit gained inside. But there they all were, trying to make lives for themselves and succeeding. It was nothing short of a triumph in Callum’s opinion.</p><p><br/>“I reckon I can help you with that,” he offered. Jay glanced at him thankfully. He, like Callum, was grateful for the funeral parlour job. It had enabled him to sort himself out and earn a living. Unlike Callum, he didn’t think deeply about his life. He had simple requirements and just wanted to make enough to pay his bills and have a little left over. In his heart he knew he wasn’t good at the funeral parlour work; it was a somewhat depressing thought. The paperwork fried his brain and, truth be told, he was a little bit surly for the clients. He was alright at managing Callum, Big Nige and the rest of the workers but that was it. Maybe it wasn’t the right job for him. But what else could he do?</p><p><br/>“Why the sudden urge to sort out the paperwork, anyway?” Callum asked shuffling through the first pile of papers.</p><p><br/>“Pam’s arriving tomorrow.” Callum froze. Pam. Owner of the funeral parlour. Paul’s nan. This was a big deal. Ben talked about Pam with great fondness; he loved her. Callum tuned back in to Jay talking. “We’re going to surprise Ben so we need you to bring him to The Albert at lunchtime.”</p><p><br/>“Yeah. ‘ course, no problem.” It was a casual invitation but meant more to Callum than Jay could possibly imagine. Pam was visiting, she wanted to see Ben, and Callum was included in the meeting. Callum’s already good mood was boosted and he cheerfully made short work of the filing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Boyfriends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is a bit of a retelling, but I couldn't leave it out as the rest of my story needs it. Hope you like the extra bits of fluff.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum was excited to meet Pam. She was very important to Ben and, as such, was important to Callum. He loved Jay’s idea to surprise Ben but Ben had been hard to convince about the lunch. Jay had called him to make the arrangements, bossing him around ‘like an old woman’ according to Ben. Arriving at The Albert, he was still complaining.<br/>“Tell me again why we’re havin’ lunch with Lola and Jay,” Ben moaned, imagining other lunchtime activities for him and Callum. Callum ignored him and pushed him gently into the bar.</p><p><br/>“What d’ya fancy?” he asked, giving Ben a soft kiss.</p><p><br/>“You ’ave to ask?” leered Ben. “Why don’t we go an’ make use of an empty coffin?”</p><p><br/>“No!” laughed Callum, exasperated. He pointed across the room. “There’s Jay and Lola.” Ben shuffled over, hands in his pockets, not exactly exuding enthusiasm.</p><p><br/>“Right,” he huffed. “This had better be worth it.” Jay and Lola looked at each other, giggling. “What?” He smiled, bemused at their behaviour. “D’you two need yer batteries changing or sommat?”</p><p><br/>A loud voice cut in.</p><p><br/>“Well if I’d known we were meeting in a gay bar, I’d have worn my rainbow boa.”</p><p><br/>Ben’s face lit up. Callum watched him greeting Pam. There was so much warmth, yet another person who loved Ben. Callum could only wonder what it was like to have that and hoped she was going to like him.</p><p><br/>“I’m Callum.” He offered her his beautiful smile and stepped forward to shake hands.</p><p><br/>“Course you are. I’ve heard all about you.” Callum was delighted and looked at Ben, pleased that he had told Pam about him.</p><p><br/>“Yeah?” he smiled.</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” Pam carried on, “Jay told me he’d hired you.” She looked between Ben and Callum. “How do you two know each other?” she asked, gesticulating between them. Callum saw the panic in Ben’s face.</p><p><br/>“We … erm … me and Callum …” Ben was flustered and Callum looked at him expectantly. “We’re really good mates.” Callum’s heart sank. So that’s how it was.</p><p><br/>The rest of the lunch was nice. Jay, Lola, Ben and Pam reminisced and caught up. Pam was absolutely lovely. There was an awkward moment when Pam asked Callum about Whitney, but it passed. There’s a lid for every pot apparently. But Callum was extremely hurt. Ben had not acknowledged their relationship and, adding salt to the wound, had barely acknowledged Callum’s presence at all. Why was he even there? Pam must be confused about that. Callum was angry at being put in this position and made his way to the bar to settle up. Ben followed him.</p><p><br/>“What’s the matter with you?” he shot at Callum. Callum was staggered at Ben sometimes. He knew that Ben knew exactly what was the matter and, of course, he did. “She’s Paul’s nan Callum. I can’t exactly have my tongue down yer throat in front of ‘er, can I?” Typical Ben, making it Callum’s issue.</p><p><br/>“I get that. You could at least have spoken to me rather than just ignore me for the past hour.” Callum glared at Ben angrily but was disturbed by the bar staff bringing his card back. It had been declined. Callum watched annoyed as Ben handed over his card to settle the bill.</p><p><br/>“Probably a mistake with the bank,” Ben suggested. Callum knew it wasn’t and admitted that with Whit gone and Stuart penniless, he was struggling with the rent. Could this day get any bloody worse?</p><p><br/>“I’m going back to work,” he snapped, angry at Ben, angry about the money but, more than anything, disappointed that his hopes of connecting with Pam had been dashed.</p><p><br/>“Don’t be like that,” entreated Ben, putting his hands on Callum’s lapels, his eyes imploring Callum not to be angry.</p><p><br/>“Just forget it,” said Callum, angry and discouraged, shaking Ben off and striding away.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                       +++</p><p><br/>Pam was an astute woman, a life rich with experience behind her. She observed Callum’s hurt at lunch and could see that Ben was behind it. That boy! At his worst, he was the prince of poor decisions. She wondered if they were involved with each other, more than the “really good mates” Ben had described. She remembered how wonderful Ben and Paul had been together. Their love had brought Pam a lot of joy and some of her favourite memories, but Pam understood better than most that you can’t live in the past. She’d lost her son. She’d lost her grandson. Les … well Les was Les; she loved him dearly but their path had been rocky, she couldn’t deny that. Despite all of this, she looked forward positively. It had taken her a while to see through the Ben Mitchell façade and she’d needed Paul’s help with this. Inside - sometimes buried deep inside - Ben had a big hopeful heart, filled with compassion and generosity. She didn’t know Callum but he carried a pure aura of honesty and strength. He and Ben would be so good for each other, she felt sure of that. Maybe they needed a little nudge.</p><p><br/>Her visit to Jay did not yield any new information about Callum. My goodness, Jay was careful not to say anything. She was quietly impressed with his discretion. Before she could dig any deeper, that little devil Ben had waltzed in putting an end to her investigation. Bring out your dead! She smiled, remembering how Ben had saucily announced his arrival. Honey had been a much better source, describing Whitney’s and Callum’s wedding day, Ben getting shot (how dare he keep that from her Pam thought, feeling a stab of painful worry) and the fight in The Vic when Callum came out. It was time to talk to that idiot boy. She found out where he was and headed to the café.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                              +++</p><p><br/>Jay had hated his work recently. He’d had to organise a funeral for his dad’s murderer, Terry Bates, a little while ago; this had affected Jay more than he had let on. Pam had been pleased about the big funeral job and Jay had not wanted to tell her whose funeral it was as he knew she would tell him that he should have turned it down. Pam’s delight had brought the experience back into his head and he had come to a decision. He looked at Ben thoughtfully.</p><p><br/>“I’m thinkin’ of taking a step back an’ focusin’ on the car lot for a bit.” Ben had dealt with the widow Bates to try to protect Jay and then he had stood in for Jay at Bates’ funeral; he knew the experience had taken a lot out of his brother.</p><p><br/>“I think that’s a great idea.” He had been running the car lot by himself and had been thinking that another pair of hands was needed to grow the business. Then Callum’s financial predicament popped into his head. “Exactly! That’s perfect timing!” Ben explained the problem to Jay and proposed that Callum take over from Jay. Jay mulled it over. He owed it to Pam to make the right decision, but it was an easy one as Callum was so good at all parts of the job.</p><p><br/>“I suppose he could be ready,” he mused. Ben was incredulous.</p><p><br/>“Ready? Have you seen him in that black suit? The way it hugs everything in all the right places. I mean, stiffs are drawn to him.” His hands squeezed an imaginary arse and he licked his lips lasciviously. Jay laughed out loud.</p><p><br/>“Well, yours anyway, you idiot. I’ll tell him when he gets back.”</p><p><br/>Ben could hardly wait for Callum to return and spent most of the afternoon peeking through the blinds of the car lot windows, looking out for him. As soon as he saw him, he dashed over, eager to see the outcome of his good deed.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                               +++</p><p><br/>Callum was incandescent with rage. How dare Ben take control of his life like that? He strode through the market, thinking of going to The Vic to see Mick but finding himself wandering through the park. He couldn’t escape Ben in Albert Square; it was like he was omnipresent.</p><p><br/>“Callum!” Lexi’s squeal broke through his anger. She waved a collection of fallen leaves at him. “I am collecting autumn leaves for a project.” She tipped her head in a gesture reminiscent of her father causing Callum’s heart to skip a beat. “D’ya wanna help?” But Lola had been watching Callum closely and had noticed his mood.</p><p><br/>“Mummy’s gonna chat with Callum for a minute Lex. Grown up talk. Just for a minute.”</p><p><br/>“Is this about daddy?” sighed Lexi, rolling her eyes dramatically. “He can be so difficult, I know.” She sat at the bench, chin on her hand, eyes full of sympathy, ready to listen.</p><p><br/>“No Lex, Mummy’s right. Just a minute of grown up talk, then I’ll help you with the leaves,” Callum promised. Lexi gave them both a hard stare.</p><p>“I will go. But I am VERY good at dealing with Daddy, y’know.” She jumped down and twirled away, much like an autumn leaf herself. Lola smiled at Callum and waited.</p><p>“I just … needed to be somewhere …” He tailed off, appealing to Lola to understand.</p><p><br/>“That was out of order, Ben at lunchtime,” stated Lola.</p><p><br/>“I thought we were … we were something … like ya know …” Lola watched Callum’s pain. She hated to see him like this, but this was love. It was inevitable. Unlike many who would automatically blame Ben for all pain caused, Lola knew that love was never plain sailing. You had to take that ship out in choppy waters, then you knew it was seaworthy and that you knew how to sail it, and there would be storms to get through with your sturdy ship and your sailing skills. She was reminded of a slogan that one of her teachers had on their wall: 'A ship is safe in the harbour, but that’s not what ships are for.'</p><p><br/>“I was never mad like this when I was with Whit. Ben, he makes me crazy.” Callum scowled and fiddled with his jumper.</p><p><br/>“You were in the harbour with Whitney.” Callum looked up at Lola curiously.</p><p><br/>“What?”</p><p><br/>“Ignore me, my mind’s wandering.” Lola touched his arm, getting him to focus on her words. “My point is you and Whit, it weren’t anything to fight for. You and Ben, well, it’s different, ain’t it?”</p><p><br/>“Is it? Anyway, maybe I don’t want to fight.” Callum stood up, sadness lining his face. He called over to Lexi. “Let’s get those leaves then autumn princess.” Lola watched him smiling around her and Ben’s daughter. Ben better not mess this up. She loved having Callum in their little family. Ben and Callum together made sense to her because she could see how each was able to be the best of himself around the other. They just had to learn how to sail in a storm.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                  +++</p><p><br/>Callum was still seething as he walked to The Vic. Ben bloody Mitchell. Where did he get off? First he acted like they weren’t boyfriends in front of Pam. Well, maybe they weren’t. That word had never been used. Then he organised a promotion behind his back when he knew Callum wanted to change job. Well, maybe he didn’t. They hadn’t actually discussed it. That was the problem. They didn’t communicate and that was NOT Callum’s fault. Ben was secretive and guarded not Callum.</p><p><br/>Callum reached for his phone and noticed Ben’s voicemail. Did he want to hear Ben’s apology? He clicked to listen.</p><p><br/>“You know you’re gonna forgive me sooner or later, so, stop being a diva and ring me back.”</p><p><br/>Could he be any more annoying? The vaguest suggestion that he needed to be forgiven did not constitute an apology. Calling Callum a diva was just rude and hypocritical coming from Ben who was a major drama queen. Ben was the first person in Callum’s life with whom he had been completely honest (well maybe mostly, just leaving out things that hadn’t come up yet). For this, Callum had to speak his mind without fear. That wasn’t the same as being a diva. Maybe storming out of The Albert at lunchtime and then out of the funeral parlour had a been a bit dramatic. Callum sighed heavily. He loved this version of himself that acted on his thoughts and feelings and, okay, was somewhat dramatic. But he also loved what he had with Ben. He didn’t want to feel so angry towards him.</p><p><br/>He pushed open the door to The Vic, determined to drown his sorrows.</p><p><br/>“Halfway, I’ve missed your boat,” Mick smiled with genuine pleasure at Callum’s arrival. Callum smiled at the hated nickname that always sounded so affectionate from Mick. “You should come round, come upstairs, have a couple of lagers. It’ll be like the old days.”</p><p><br/>“I’d love that Mick.”</p><p><br/>“Gettin' to you, livin' with your brother?” Mick could see that Callum was distressed.</p><p><br/>“Nah, nah. It’s not ‘im.”</p><p><br/>“What is it?” Mick asked, he and Callum both looking to the door as it opened and Ben came in. “Ah, matters of the heart,” said Mick knowingly, squeezing Callum’s hand sympathetically. “You know where I am boy, whenever you need me.”</p><p><br/>“Cheers Mick.” Callum glanced at Ben, who was with Pam, and moved away from the bar choosing a table on the far side and sitting with his back to them.</p><p><br/>“Pam!” exclaimed Mick warmly, leaning over to give Pam a quick hug. Callum could hear Mick chatting to Pam and tried not to think about Ben. But then Ben was there, right in front of him.</p><p><br/>“Before you say anything, I … I’m sorry. You had every right to flip out.” Ben looked very sheepish but also hopeful.</p><p><br/>“S’alright.” Callum kicked himself mentally. It wasn’t alright so why did he say it was?</p><p><br/>“Earlier with Pam … I didn’t mean to ignore us.” Callum scrutinised Ben’s face. This was proper Ben, his Ben, talking. “I was caught off-guard and I didn’t wanna upset ‘er.”</p><p><br/>“I get it. It’s fine.” It was definitely not fine. What a hypocrite he was, demanding honesty from Ben and then lying himself.</p><p><br/>“No, it’s not, it’s not fine.” Ben stared at him, eyes full of care and love. “You’re my boyfriend.” Callum felt his defences melt away.</p><p><br/>“You’ve never called me that before,” he grinned.</p><p><br/>“Well you are, ain’t ya?” Ben’s gorgeous smile shone through his eyes.</p><p><br/>“Yeah!”</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Consequences</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I love the Lexi character so have made her extra sassy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben and Callum were having a games night with Lexi. Callum was learning that both of his opponents were appalling cheats. When the game was Monopoly, Lexi insisted on being banker and then she and Ben both stole money. When the game was Scrabble, they pretended to have one less tile than they should have so that they could hide a tile they didn’t want. Lexi was just learning to play Scrabble, so her and Ben were playing together.</p><p><br/>“What is the q doing underneath the cushion?” Callum demanded, staring accusingly at them both.</p><p><br/>“I think you must have dropped it,” smiled Lexi, all innocence. “I’m sure I saw you take it from the bag, so you must have dropped it. By mistake.” Callum stared open-mouthed at her front. What an accomplished little fibber.</p><p><br/>“You’re not supposed to look at your opponent’s tiles, princess,” chided Ben, as if that was the main issue. He winked at Callum and kissed the top of Lexi’s head. Callum shook his head; they were impossible, the pair of them.</p><p><br/>“Time for bed princess,” advised Ben, watching Lexi closely for signs of dissent. He was not disappointed.</p><p><br/>“No! I am not going to bed. I am seven years old and my bedtime has not got later than when I was six years old.” Ben looked confused. What? Was that even true?</p><p><br/>“If you go now, I will give you an extra instalment of our story.” How did he always end up negotiating? Lexi appeared to give it some thought and then said,</p><p><br/>“The answer is still no!” Ben looked at her, even more confused. He was sure he had not given her a choice. Lexi carried on. “I am going to watch some TV with Callum. We have been watching a nature programme. It’s educational.” She looked to Callum for his agreement.</p><p><br/>“What time did you go to bed when you were six, Lexi?” asked Callum.</p><p><br/>“7 o’clock.”</p><p>“So 7:15 would be reasonable for a seven year old?”</p><p><br/>“Yes, 7:15 would be reasonable,” Lexi parroted, beaming triumphantly at Ben, believing that she had Callum on her side so had, therefore, won the argument. Ben, fully aware that the time was 7:30, watched in amusement.</p><p><br/>“OK, in that case you are up 15 minutes after your bedtime young lady. Get up those stairs tout de suite,” ordered Callum in a firm voice that was not going to be challenged.</p><p><br/>“Is that French? I can speak French. We’ve been learning it at school. Bonne nuit Callum. We learned that one today. Bonne nuit papa.” And with that, Lexi skipped up the stairs.</p><p><br/>“You are a bloody genius!” Ben kissed Callum’s forehead before he followed Lexi up the stairs. Callum busied himself tidying away the games, the snack bowls, glasses and empty bottles. He loved domesticity. Ben always insisted on getting pizza when they looked after Lexi but Callum was an accomplished cook and looked forward to a time when he could make them dinner. His daydream switched to baking with Lexi and decorating cup cakes. He sighed happily, in his reverie missing the sound of the door opening.</p><p><br/>“You are an angel in disguise,” declared Kathy, Ben’s mum, as she came in, giving Callum a quick smile. “You can be sure Ben doesn’t tidy up after himself. He doing Lexi’s story?” Callum nodded. He had only met Kathy properly a couple of times and wasn’t sure what she made of him. Mums were usually a strength for him. They liked him because he was good-looking, obviously kind and very considerate. Perfect boyfriend material. But he wasn’t sure what Kathy would want for Ben and he found himself wanting to impress her but never knowing quite what to say. “Don’t mind me, I’m going to sit in the livingroom with the lights down and my feet in my foot spa.” Kathy worked long hours, running her two businesses and was on her feet for most of the day. Callum noticed how tired she looked.</p><p><br/>“You deserve it Mrs Beale. You work really hard. Can I make you a cup of tea?” Kathy surveyed the tall, handsome man standing in her kitchen, seeing his care and attentiveness. She wasn’t confident that her daft son wouldn’t mess things up, but Callum was a catch. He was adorable.</p><p><br/>“Kathy,” she insisted. “Please call me Kathy. And I would prefer a glass of white. It’s in the fridge.”</p><p><br/>“We’re heading out,” said Callum, “so we won’t disturb you.” He carried the foot spa into the livingroom, returning to the kitchen to get Kathy’s wine as she sat, head resting on the back of the chair, feet in the warm soapy water. Ben, arriving back downstairs, came over and perched on the arm of the chair to give his mum a quick kiss. Callum watched Kathy press her head against Ben. He would never feel envious, it wasn’t in his nature, but he knew this was a lovely thing to have in life. He wondered if, one day, he might have this with Kathy.</p><p><br/>“Did you see Martin today?” she asked. Ben hesitated, almost imperceptibly, then answered smoothly,</p><p><br/>“No, should I have?” Callum noticed the stall and frowned at Ben.</p><p><br/>“He has been beaten up. Mugged apparently by some kids. He looks terrible.”</p><p><br/>“That’s awful,” said Callum, watching Ben closely. Ben looked up, his brows furrowed. Callum could see that Ben knew something about this, whatever it was.</p><p><br/>“Yeah awful,” Ben agreed, his face carefully composed to give away nothing. “We’re going to The Vic. He’ll probably be in there so I’ll talk to him. See if he’s ok.”</p><p><br/>“Ah, thank you love,” Kathy reached up and stroked Ben’s face. “Have a good night you two.” Callum continued to watch Ben. He was beginning to be able to read him and, on this occasion, he didn’t like what he was seeing.</p><p>“Coming Callum? Or are you waiting for a turn with the foot spa?” Ben had already donned his coat and was on his way to the door.</p><p><br/>The Vic was a step away from the Beales’ house, and in no time they were at the bar. Mick was happy to see Callum and listened, interested, to Callum’s stories of Lexi and the cheating at games. Mick knew how much Callum wanted to be a dad and loved to see the pleasure in his eyes as he described his evening.</p><p><br/>“I think L and me need to get some help from you with Ollie,” he laughed.</p><p><br/>“Any time!” enthused Callum. “He got any new lego lately?” Mick marvelled at Callum’s ability to connect with people, old and young. Most people struggled with Ollie as his autism made him, well, different. Callum, on the other hand, was brilliant with him. He didn’t expect him to make eye contact or chat. He just let him be himself. Actually, it was more than that. Callum celebrated Ollie like his differences were the best thing ever. The man was a sodding angel, Mick concluded.</p><p><br/>It was a few minutes before Callum realised that Ben was not with him. Searching the pub with his eyes, he spotted Ben’s checked coat, round the corner in the quieter part of the pub. He took his leave of Mick and walked towards Ben, noticing that he was talking, no, arguing with Martin. Martin’s face was bruised and cut badly as Kathy had said. He looked furious and Ben looked guilty. What was going on? Callum walked towards them.</p><p><br/>“Everything good here fellas?” he asked.</p><p><br/>“Give us a moment, babe,” said Ben, not looking at Callum. Callum stood directly in front of Ben, making sure Ben could see him, and opened his hands in a questioning gesture. Ben’s eyes narrowed and his face darkened threateningly. Callum was taken aback - Ben had never looked at him liked this - but he was not going to back off. Martin glared at Ben, huffed and walked away, giving Callum a friendly touch on the shoulder as he walked past him. “What was that about?” quizzed Callum. Ben ignored him. Callum persisted. “Ben, what’s going on?” Ben looked down at his feet and then up at Callum. It was Ben Mitchell, cold-eyed and hard.</p><p><br/>“It’s not your business, Callum. You don’t have to know everything about me.” Callum stared at him. This was unexpected and difficult. How could Ben change so quickly? He knew that Ben kept things from him and didn’t want Callum to be part of anything bad, but Callum didn’t want to be given a filtered version of life. Whatever Ben got up to, Callum could handle it.</p><p><br/>“You can tell me anything Ben,” he encouraged, softly taking Ben’s hand in his own and making eye contact.</p><p><br/>“I know.” Ben held his gaze, but it was icy and devoid of connection. “But maybe I don’t want to.” He withdrew his hand from Callum’s, buttoned his coat, slowly and deliberately, not breaking his gaze, and left. Callum could not believe it. What had just happened? This was the part of Ben that he didn’t know and it was clear that Ben would not grant him access. Callum wasn’t naïve. He knew people had sides, and what you saw depended on your viewpoint. He wanted to see Ben from all sides, to know him fully so that they could build a life together. But he was getting ahead of himself yet again. The last few weeks with Ben had been wonderful. Ben was amazing. Callum had been dreaming of family life, love and adoration. But he had been piggy-backing on Ben’s life, thinking of Ben’s family as his family and assuming he and Ben were on the same path. Reality slapped him hard and, without warning, the pub suddenly felt like it was noisy and packed, the walls and the ceiling closed in and Callum felt the familiar tightening of his chest constricting his breath. He recognised the incoming anxiety and knew what to do: it was time to go home.</p><p><br/>From his vantage point in the garden in the middle of the square, Ben watched Callum trudge out of The Vic. Under the streetlight, he could see Callum was crying and struggling to breathe. Callum suddenly dropped to a squat and tucked his head between his knees. Damn! Ben was angry with himself. He had let it all go too far. He suspected Callum was falling for him, and he knew that he had already fallen for Callum. They were great together. In another world, they would fall in love, commit to a life together and be happy. But Ben’s messy life meant that this was impossible. He had been such a fool, giving in to his romantic heart and welcoming all of the warmth and love that Callum promised. He would ruin Callum’s life if he held on, so he had to let go. He had to.</p><p><br/>“What have you done?” Jay flopped down on the bench next to Ben, also watching Callum’s distress.</p><p><br/>“Why do you assume it’s something I’ve done? Maybe it’s just fucking life and it’s not in any of our control.” Jay looked at Ben. He and Ben and been like brothers since they were young. The Mitchells had been Jay’s family for many years. He was grateful but he needed his own life that followed his own rules, so he had pulled away from being a Mitchell. He’d taken the name at one time but now he was back to being Jay Brown. It wasn’t so easy for Ben. He was a blood Mitchell. Jay knew that Ben’s relationship with his dad was the framework on which Ben pinned his happiness, but he’d hoped that Callum might change that. Now Ben was upset and Callum was upset and Jay knew that Mitchell tendrils had taken hold.</p><p><br/>“Have something good in your life brother.” Jay held onto Ben’s arm, encouraging him to listen. “I don’t know what your dad has got you doing and I don’t want to know. But this thing you have going on with Callum, it is real and proper. He could be the one Ben.” Ben looked so heartbroken and in need of comfort that Jay pulled him in. He put his arms around Ben as the tears came.</p><p><br/>“He IS the one. I do want it. But I don’t want him near the bad stuff,” Ben sobbed.</p><p><br/>“Callum’s a tough guy, you know,” reasoned Jay. “He’s from our world. He knows about the bad stuff. Ben, get round there and talk to him.”</p><p><br/>“I can’t. It isn’t who he is. I don’t want this for him.” Ben’s shoulders heaved as he sobbed. “I have to let him go.”</p><p><br/>“What?” Jay was incredulous. “No! Don’t be a muppet. You are an idiot, you know?”</p><p><br/>“… no choice …” Ben stuttered. Jay got hold of his shoulders and shook him gently.</p><p><br/>“You’ve got this wrong mate, dead wrong. It is not your choice to make. Callum can choose to turn his back on the Mitchells. You can’t make that choice for him. Have some respect for him.” Ben’s shakes subsided and he pulled Jay in for another hug. This man had been a real brother to him and Ben loved him and trusted him. “You gotta man up now mate,” Jay spoke into his ear. “He might reject you, but you do not get to reject him first just in case. It’s tough, mate, but you’re a tough guy. Go!”</p><p><br/>Ben pulled away and stood up, looking at Jay for more reassurance. Jay nodded at him. “Go!”</p><p><br/>Arriving at Callum’s flat, Ben used the buzzer. Callum had given Ben a spare key, mainly to make a point to his brother, Stuart, who had been moaning about Ben being round all the time. Callum had reminded Stu that it was his flat, not Stuart’s. Ben had been using this key for a couple of weeks but suddenly it didn’t seem quite right.<br/>“It’s me,” he said simply as the buzz was answered.</p><p><br/>Callum was waiting for Ben at the top of the stairs, cheeks still tear stained. He took in Ben’s equally tear stained face and shook his head.</p><p><br/>“You have to talk to me, Ben. We have to have honesty.” Ben stopped on the top step. So much of his life involved playing his cards close to his chest, trusting nobody, being wary. It was a significant loss of control to open up. He completely trusted Callum not to abuse his confidences. Why couldn’t Callum trust him and not need the confidences? A part of him knew that was illogical, but Ben was very good at convincing himself that he was in the right.</p><p><br/>Callum watched the thoughts flicker across Ben’s face. Over the past weeks, he had picked up on Ben’s shady secrets and he had an idea about Ben’s reasons for being closed off. However, he wasn’t prepared to compromise on his need for openness. He didn’t want to spend nights wondering what Ben was up to. He knew that would make him too anxious and it would corrode their happiness.</p><p><br/>“Okay.” Ben walked into Callum’s arms, which willingly wrapped around him. He was terrified about the consequences of opening up.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                     +++</p><p><br/>Callum stared at Ben sleeping, exhausted from telling his story. Callum suspicions had been spot on. Ben did not love being Ben Mitchell but he could not walk away from his dad which meant that the life that he hated was here to stay. Callum just had to decide if he was also going to be part of it. It wasn’t a good fit for him. It would make him unhappy. It wasn’t the illegal deals that were the problem; those were what they were. Sure, it wasn’t how he chose to live his life, not anymore, but he would not sit in judgement. It was the fact that it was bad for Ben that he would find impossible.</p><p><br/>He had no idea what he was going to do.</p><p><br/>And how was he going to tell Ben about his change of career?</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. No help</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I thought long and hard whether or not to keep the copper Callum story line. I hate clunky plot devices and I have not been a fan of this one. But it’s here because I’ve come to think that it can be woven into the story I'm telling.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Police?” Ben stared at Callum in shock. It had been almost a week since Ben had opened up to Callum, a week spent enjoying each other’s company in the way Ben liked best.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, police,” confirmed Callum. If the look on Ben’s face was anything to go by, this was not going to be an easy conversation.</p><p><br/>“Did you hear what I said to you last week? I told you EVERYTHING!” Ben was shouting now. “I can’t believe you. What’ya gonna do? Gonna shop my old man, are ya? Me?”</p><p><br/>“Of course not. Do you think I’ll be reporting Stu an’ Rainie’s shoplifting?” Actually, Callum was hoping that if he became a copper, his brother and his brother’s girlfriend might curtail their light-fingered exploits but he sensed that this was not going to help his argument with Ben. His boyfriend was furiously chewing his fingernails and jigging his knee. Ben was extremely stressed, that much Callum could see, but he just didn’t understand why it was such a huge issue. “As long as we’ve been together, you haven’t done anything dodgy. Talk to me Ben. Why is it such a massive problem?”</p><p><br/>“What about the stuff with Martin?” Ben demanded.</p><p><br/>“That’s between Tubbs and Martin. It doesn’t involve you. And you said it was a one-time thing,” reasoned Callum. Ben rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.</p><p><br/>“You’re not getting’ it babe. It would not be good for me if you’re police and you go after Tubbs or Martin. I’ll end up with broken knees. But more than that, what about the Mitchell name? It can’t be associated with Old Bill. It’ll be bad for business.”</p><p><br/>“It won’t affect YOUR business Ben.” Callum was a stubborn ass. His beliefs were absolutes and he locked them down tight.</p><p><br/>“You will be putting me in danger,” argued Ben. This was not a lie. He knew he would be seen like a nark. He could end up floating in the Lee Navigation. Callum had no idea how dangerous people could be. Why would he put Ben in this position? Ben could feel his anger rising.</p><p><br/>“Don’t be ridiculous. It …” Callum noticed Ben’s eyes widen with rage as he jumped to his feet and grabbed his coat.</p><p><br/>“Ridiculous!” he spat furiously. “We’ll see how you feel when you have to identify my dead body!”</p><p><br/>“It’s somethin’ I want to do, Ben.” Callum called after Ben, as he stormed out, slamming the door.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                  +++</p><p><br/>Jay and Lola had been no help. They thought it was hilarious that Callum wanted to be a copper.</p><p><br/>“You love the long arm of the law,” said Jay, hardly able to speak as he was laughing so hard.</p><p><br/>“Come on,” Lola had teased. “You can cuddle up at night. He can read you your rights.”</p><p><br/>Ben could not fathom why they didn’t seem to get the problem. He couldn’t be with Old Bill. What the fuck would Phil say when he found out? Ben wondered if he was missing something. Callum definitely wanted to be with him, he knew all about the Mitchells after their talk last week and, yet, he was serious about becoming a copper. How did Callum think this would work?</p><p><br/>Ben had focused lately on his legitimate enterprises, wondering if he would miss the lucrative side of criminality. He didn’t. The car lot was doing really well now that he and Jay were working together, putting more time in there. He’d ignored Tubbs’ calls not wanting to get involved. To be honest, it felt good not being involved. It made him feel like a better dad to Lexi and that counted for a lot. Nonetheless, a part of him was hurt by the fact that his dad didn’t need him. Keanu had stood up to Phil, refusing to get involved in the dark side as he didn’t want to risk being caught, being sent down and not being there for Louise, Ben’s heavily pregnant half-sister. Phil had apparently been ok with that and had given Keanu a role with his legitimate stuff, something he had never done for Ben. Ben felt doubly hurt by this. He might not be currently used by his dad but he was not free of expectation.</p><p><br/>He found himself heading for Ruby’s flat. If anybody would understand his predicament it was Ruby. Her dad had, arguably, been a bigger villain than Ben’s dad. He and Ruby had become good friends over the last few years and had enjoyed many wild nights out. She was a kindred soul.</p><p><br/>“It’s Ben,” he said as she answered her buzzer.</p><p><br/>“Ben! I … er … yeah, you ok Ben?” Ben looked at the intercom and, knowing Ruby of old, recognised the signs. It was almost noon though, so she must be nearly done.</p><p><br/>“If I sit in the square for half an hour, will last night’s dessert be finished?” he teased.</p><p><br/>“Yeah … shh …. yeah Ben … no, Martin, ah …” She was clearly distracted.</p><p><br/>“Martin? Please don’t tell me you have been fucking Fowler,” Ben accused as the intercom went dead. Ben was extremely nosey and he would have sat in the square’s garden spying on Ruby’s door for hours if necessary. As it was, Martin Fowler exited only twenty minutes later. Ben was heading over when Ruby also came out.</p><p><br/>“Come on, let’s have a drink in E20,” she suggested, tucking her arm into Ben’s and grinning up at him. “Did you know I’m buying it? Not the drink, the club.”</p><p><br/>“No!” Ben was surprised. His step-mum Sharon part-owned the place and she had not said anything. He filed away this nugget for another time. “Anyway, before that, we need to talk about Fowler. What happened to Max?”</p><p><br/>“Yeah, Max, he’s cool. Mostly. But you know me Ben. I want to be free to do what I like. Max knows that. And, I have to tell you, Martin is an amazing fuck.” She giggled cheekily.</p><p><br/>“Hmm. What about Martin’s WIFE? Isn’t she your BEST FRIEND?” Ben had no time for Stacey Fowler but Ruby and her were good friends so it was a bit odd that Ruby was shagging her husband.</p><p><br/>“He’s not gonna tell her, is he? Anyway, he only went for me when he found out that Stacey had got off with one of the dads from her kids’ school.” Fidelity was a completely alien concept to Ruby. It was shocking that Stacey had found somebody else but Ruby described it like it was as everyday as eating lunch. It also didn’t explain why Ruby would get together with Stacey’s husband.</p><p><br/>“Ok, so that’s why Martin got with you. Why did you get with him?”</p><p><br/>“Come on Ben, no judgement. He’s sexy, he’s fun and he’s got plenty of cash for a good night out. It’s only been twice …. so far!” That was news to Ben. Martin was supposed to be struggling with the readies. How did he have money for expensive nights out? Ben’s words had got through to Ruby though. Stacey would not be happy with her if she found out. Changing the subject, she nudged Ben and winked. “What’s new Ben Mitchell? How’s that hunky boyfriend of yours?”</p><p><br/>“Let’s get drinks first,” he suggested. They had arrived at the club and he pushed open the doors. After ordering drinks and snacks at the bar, they sat down in a booth in the corner.</p><p><br/>“I’ve got a problem. Callum wants to be a copper.” Ben came straight out with it. Ruby scrunched her nose and shrugged, holding her hands wide as if to say ‘So?’ “He wants to be a copper and still be with me,” Ben expanded.</p><p><br/>“Still not getting the problem Ben.” Ruby looked at Ben, musing. “Here’s a question: do you think I could be with a copper?” Ben was beginning to realise that Ruby was not looking at this in the same way as him. He had chosen her because she would understand but maybe he got that wrong.</p><p><br/>“Yeah ‘course you could. But your dad is dead and mine is very much alive.”</p><p><br/>“Come on Ben. I’m legit but my wealth is not. You’re legit and, from what I hear, your dad is pulling out and concentrating on his straight stuff. Callum can be police. It’ll be ok.”</p><p><br/>“Rubes, it’s not the same. I’ve been inside, you haven’t.”</p><p><br/>“If that’s a problem, Callum won’t get through the background check and then, well, it’s not a problem.” Unwittingly Ruby had hit upon something Ben was extremely concerned about.</p><p><br/>“Yeah and then he’ll hate me for crushing his dream.” Ruby put her arm around her friend and kissed his temple.</p><p><br/>“Poor baby. You’ve got it bad, haven’t you?” They sat forehead to forehead for a few moments before Ben pulled away.</p><p><br/>“You’re no fuckin’ help, ya know that?”</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                      +++</p><p><br/>It was a busy afternoon at the car lot and Ben was glad of the distraction. As he walked over to Callum’s flat, he remembered that Callum was meeting some old army mates and wouldn’t be in. He was avoiding his dad so he couldn’t go to Mitchell Manor and he wanted to avoid the planning for Louise’s 18th and Sharon’s 50th joint surprise party that was going on at his house. He didn’t feel like hitting a bar. He looked around for somewhere else to go and spotted Martin sitting on the bench in the Square’s garden. It was a bench dedicated to Martin’s dad, Arthur, who had died when Martin was only ten. Ben felt a stab of sympathy for his sort-of-cousin. Martin looked defeated by life. Ben headed over.</p><p><br/>“Oh for fuck’s sake,” grumbled Martin. “What do you want now?” Ben sat down next to him.</p><p><br/>“I’m just here for a chat Martin,” he said smoothly. Martin threw his head back and laughed harshly.</p><p><br/>“Right, yeah, you here to blackmail me that you’ll tell Stace about Ruby? Or maybe Tubbs has told you that he’s not satisfied with my work today?” Martin was clearly exhausted and, in the darkness, Ben could just about pick out new bruises on his face and knuckles.</p><p><br/>“Today?” Ben queried. Martin looked at him, exasperated. Ben clarified his question. “You wanted a one time job. You said one time only. So what were you doing today?” Martin sat up straighter and turned towards Ben, obviously interested in Ben’s questions.</p><p><br/>“You don’t know, do you? Well, the money is good, very good, and I have now done several jobs for your mate Tubbs.” Ben felt worried. He wasn’t sure why. What business of his were Martin Fowler’s activities? But Ben had known Martin for a very long time. He was straight in every way.</p><p><br/>“Is it what you want Martin?” he asked quietly. Martin shrugged. “Maybe,” Ben hesitated. It wasn’t like him to offer advice. “Maybe it’s not the right thing for you?”</p><p><br/>“Like you care,” snapped Martin. “You got me into it.” Ben took a deep breath, impatient at the accusation.</p><p><br/>“You got yourself into it. You asked me for a contact. I gave you a contact. Nobody forced you.” Ben was annoyed that Martin was holding him responsible.</p><p><br/>“Yeah at first. But now I don’t seem to ‘ave a choice, do I? Tubbs won’t let me go. He found Stacey and threatened ‘er with trouble if I didn’t continue. You know Stace. She screamed at him to sling ‘is ‘ook and then rang me to tell me to sling mine. And now she’s shacked up with Posh Josh and … I think she likes ‘im more than me.” The tears were flowing freely down Martin’s face. “He can give her more than me. I can’t earn money like that unless I work for Tubbs.”</p><p><br/>“What do you want Martin? Maybe I can help,” offered Ben. He genuinely wanted to help and he thought he could possibly persuade Tubbs to ease off Martin.</p><p><br/>“Maybe you can help?” scoffed Martin, bitterly spitting out the words. “What do I want? I want to go back to having my wife at home before you and your dad made sure she had to stay away!” He looked at Ben with pure hatred in his eyes. Ben was enraged. Enough! He lowered his voice and got his face close to Martin’s.</p><p><br/>“D’ya know somethin’ Martin? An’ I’m sure I’ve told ya this before. I did not make yer wife steal my dad’s money. I did not make her hit ‘im over the head with a wrench, almost killin’ ‘im. I did not force you to take work with Tubbs. It’s all on you and yours, Martin. Take responsibility.”</p><p><br/>He stood up, looking down at the broken man. As he considered how pathetic Martin looked, sitting there crying on a bench in the middle of the night, a thought flitted across his mind: What would Callum do? As he walked away, he texted:</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Need to talk to you. Is it ok to wait at your flat?</em>
</p><p><br/>The answer came almost immediately. Ben loved Callum for this habit of constantly being in touch.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Yeah course. We’re just having a meal so I’ll be back early.</em>
</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                   +++</p><p><br/>Callum surprised Ben with his response.</p><p><br/>“You’re right, ya know. None of this is down to you.” Ben looked up at him in surprise. He was in his favourite position laid across Callum’s lap.</p><p><br/>“Well that’s not what I expected, Officer Callum,” he teased. Callum ran his fingers through Ben’s hair, bending down to quickly kiss the top of Ben’s head.</p><p><br/>“I’m not a policeman yet. But what I’m observing is that people tie you to your dad like you’re the same person. You’re not your dad, Ben. You and him need a different way of being. You have your life, full of good things, like Lexi, your businesses and … and me,” he stammered, glancing at Ben shyly. “It needs to be clear to everybody that you are separate from your dad’s businesses. You have got to find a way to make everybody know that.”</p><p><br/>“Ya know he uses The Arches for the dodgy stuff and I own The Arches.” Ben smiled at Callum’s naivety. He had no idea what Phil was really like. For very good reasons Ben had never taken Callum round to his dad’s while Phil was in. He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever but, for now, he was going to make sure they were kept apart.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, well, you could keep the freehold but hand over the keys, then your dad leases the space,” suggested Callum.</p><p><br/>“You’ve thought this through, haven’t ya?” said Ben, stroking Callum’s arms affectionately, and then endorsing his suggestion, reassured him, “It’s a good idea.”</p><p>But how was he going to have that conversation with his dad? Nobody could help him with that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Doesn't make sense</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The surprise party for Sharon and Louise had a shocking aftermath. Ben could not make any sense of it. Mel, Louise’s godmother and co-owner of E20 with Sharon, had been arguing with Lisa, Louise’s mum, at the party and then she had set off for the airport. Sharon had also set off for the airport to collect Phil who was returning from some business overseas. During her own party? That was not right, Ben thought. His dad always got a cab back from the airport anyway. Then Mel had crashed her car and run out in front of a truck, witnessed by Sharon. There was something amiss and Ben was fixated on finding out what it was. He wondered if it had anything to do with Sharon and Mel selling E20 to Ruby because that was weird as well. Sharon said she was selling because she was going to focus on the new baby. That reason at least rang true. Louise was due around Christmas and Sharon was due in February. Ben liked babies and was looking forward to their arrival. Sharon was having a boy so maybe Phil would get a real son this time, he thought wryly.</p><p><br/>Ian was distraught at Mel’s death; they had been married once for a few hours. So Ian had hosted a family lunch in her memory. Ben smiled remembering how pleased Callum had been to be invited. Ben’s family was huge and modern, full of second, third, fourth marriages, step-parents, half-siblings, adopted and fostered children. He was even distantly related to Lola; his great great grandad was Lola’s great great great grandad. Ben knew this because he and Callum had worked it out last week from an old picture of the family tree. Callum had been intrigued by this rich heritage. His own family were pretty much missing. Callum and his brother Stuart had not seen their dad Jonno since the day Callum came out, and that had been the first time in a long time. Their relationship could be best described as estranged. Their mum was never mentioned. Ben had an insatiable appetite for knowing other people’s business and he was waiting for Callum to open up about his mum. There was a niece Zara and a much-loved but dead grandad. That was it. Callum was made for family, Ben could see that, and he wanted to share his own as much as he could. The trouble was that Ben’s family was chaotic and Ben wanted to shield Callum from the worst bits.</p><p><br/>Callum, for his part, had enjoyed the lunch at the Beale’s. He chatted with Bobby, Ian’s son, who was excited to hear of Callum’s plan to apply to become a police officer. Martin had been highly amused about this, ribbing Ben who just about managed to keep his irritation under control. Callum knew from Ben that Martin was involved with Tubbs and was confused about Martin’s jibes. Surely it would be more of a problem for Martin than for Ben? He felt sorry for Martin really. Ian, Ben and Jay all had their own businesses and Martin was treated like a second-class citizen. Ian made some crass comment about Martin being an ordinary man, that there had to be ordinary men for there to be extraordinary men. Callum shared a look with Bobby at this – Ian was an arse.</p><p><br/>Callum left to go back to work and, after a lingering kiss goodbye at the kitchen door, Ben returned to the diningroom to a sea of smiles.</p><p><br/>“He is lovely,” cooed Kathy. “Make sure you treat him right. It might even last if you can stop yourself from doing anything stupid.”</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” agreed Lola. “Know this: Lex and me are keepin’ ‘im if Ben messes it up.”</p><p><br/>“He’s great, Uncle Ben,” Bobby squeezed Ben’s arms as he sat back down at the table. Ben looked at his nephew fondly and gave him a squeeze in return.</p><p><br/>“Too good for you,” was Ian’s contribution. Kathy glared at him. “What?” Ian carried on, scooping up the last bit of pudding from his plate as he talked. “It’s obvious. Callum’s a good guy and, well, Ben isn’t. It is what it is.”</p><p><br/>“And what is that Ian?” asked Ben.</p><p><br/>“Time-limited,” said Ian snidely. Ben routinely dismissed pretty much anything Ian had to say, but the message had lodged in his brain. Callum was a good guy. Ben was not. End of story. He suddenly realised that, deep down, he didn’t believe that him and Callum would work out.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                            +++</p><p><br/>Callum and Ben spent most nights together at Callum’s flat or at the Beale’s. Each of them secretly marvelled at the warmth and intimacy they were sharing, as well as the amazing sex. Ben had experienced plenty of great sex in his time but had avoided any kind of emotional connection with his hookups. He was surprised at how much this enhanced the sex with Callum. They would lock eyes and Ben would feel warmth flood his body taking his breath away. He had not been turned on by anybody like he was with Callum. His man was seriously seductive and could send Ben into a horny frenzy with his deep gaze and his wandering hands. After delirious love making, Ben would fall into a deep sleep knowing that the next thing, something he absolutely adored, would be waking up wrapped around his gorgeous boyfriend. Callum was definitely his type physically but Ben was beginning to think he might also have an emotional type: sincere, authentic, kind. He was deeply in love with Callum but he was doing his best not to let it show; if he was more honest with himself, he would recognise that it scared him and he was having to work hard at keeping this fear suppressed. Their love affair was ultimately doomed, of that Ben was certain, but he could enjoy it for now. He wasn’t ready for it to end yet.</p><p><br/>Callum could see Ben’s love, even though the words were never uttered, and matched it with his own. He had been searching for a love that made sense for half his life and believed that he and Ben were destined for each other. For Callum, his type was simply somebody that he could be himself around, with whom he could breathe deeply and laugh and smile. He loved Ben’s mischievous sense of humour, his quick wit and saucy antics, but most of all, he was drawn to Ben’s big heart. That was not to say he didn’t find Ben physically attractive. Ben was a good-looking guy, with piercing blue eyes and a sexy mouth. His strong cheekbones and his stubbly jaw were explicitly masculine. He was a good few inches shorter than Callum which Callum especially liked; he liked admiring the way Ben’s hair spiralled around the crown sweeping forward to the soft coif at his forehead; he liked wrapping his arms around Ben and feeling like he could hold all of him. And Ben had the most beautiful cock. He was a little guy with small hands and small feet, but he had a massive dick. Callum revelled in sex with Ben. Although he was a novice, he didn’t feel like it with Ben. He knew what got Ben, how to take him to a point where he was gagging and desperate; Ben had discovered places on Callum’s body that responded in a way Callum had not known possible. They would watch each other as their bodies moved in collusion, their eyes tethered together wordlessly offering promises and uninhibited rapture. Callum smiled to himself, realising that he had been holding his breath whilst thinking about last night’s sex. When Ben had boasted that he was unbelievable in bed, he was not wrong.</p><p><br/>“What’ya thinking about?” murmured Ben sleepily, pulling himself closer to Callum. Although it was almost 7am, it was pitch black outside and felt like the middle of the night. “Only, the way you were ‘olding yer breath, it better be me.” Callum manoeuvred his arm around Ben to pull him in.</p><p><br/>“Yeah big head, maybe I was,” he laughed. Ben’s hands moved downwards, as his eyes glinted with fun, encouraging Callum to join in.</p><p><br/>“Big head, eh?” teased Ben, rubbing his fingers expertly over Callum’s manhood, before slipping down beneath the sheet to lick his slit tantalisingly. Callum groaned with pleasure. He could never get enough of this. Morning sex was his favourite, slower, more sensual, with a deeper, longer climax. In Callum’s mind, this was more than having sex; this was making love.</p><p><br/>Ben was also finding that he loved morning sex. It wasn’t something he had done much so he was on the same voyage of discovery as Callum. This morning was especially good with hidden treasures found. He and Callum had come together and it felt like it went on and on. Fuck it had been good! He stole a glance at his boyfriend who, for once, wasn’t looking straight back at him. Callum was lay with his head straight back on the pillow, looking completely blissed out. Ben was overwhelmed suddenly with the love he had for this man. It was everything he could do not to say it aloud.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                        +++</p><p><br/>“I’m going to call it Ruby’s,” announced Ruby. She and Ben were sitting in their booth in E20 enjoying a lunchtime drink.</p><p><br/>“It’s all about me,” crooned Ben, laughing at his friend.</p><p><br/>“Well we won’t be playing McFly, I can tell you that much,” laughed Ruby, clamping her hand over Ben’s mouth as the singing continued. “Shut up you idiot!” She looked around the club, a little frisson of excitement travelling up her spine. “D’ya remember it when I had it before? It was called ‘Scarlet’.”</p><p><br/>“You had this before?” Ben was surprised.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, you were probably a kid.” Ruby breathed deeply, remembering her painful past. “It was named for my sister. She died in a fire.” Ben knew about this and that Ruby had lost her mum in the same fire. He also knew that his dad and Ruby’s dad had been enemies and that Phil had exploited Ruby to get revenge on Johnny. How were Ruby and he such good friends? It didn’t make sense. He reached up to stroke her face. She was beautiful. “Things are gonna be different this time,” Ruby said softly, almost to herself. They sat companionably for a few minutes, sipping their drinks.</p><p><br/>Ben was thoughtful, puzzling over the nightclub sale.</p><p><br/>“Weird Mel dying like that, just after she’d sold you this place,” Ben ruminated. The missing pieces from the puzzle of Mel’s death were still bugging him.</p><p><br/>“I’m still amazed I’ve got it,” admitted Ruby. “Sharon was so definite that she wasn’t going to sell and then, poof, she changed her mind.”</p><p><br/>“Why did Mel want to sell though?” persisted Ben. He could explain Sharon’s decision because of the baby, although he didn’t see why she couldn’t have got a manager, but he didn’t understand Mel at all.</p><p><br/>“She was in a mess after Hunter was shot dead …”</p><p><br/>“… after he shot me …” Ben interjected,</p><p><br/>“ …yeah, and she wanted to move away. She needed the money to buy somewhere abroad. She told me Lisa, Louise and Keanu were going with her.” Ruby saw her friend’s face become still. “What have I said?” she asked worriedly.</p><p><br/>“Louise?” Ben was stunned. “Louise was moving? She’s about to have a baby any second now. That doesn’t make any sense. She’s not said anything.” Ben and Louise had a typical bickering sibling relationship not helped by Phil’s adoration of Louise and his determination to pave her way through life. Phil was a man of his time, that is, sexist. Ben had to man up and prove himself; Princess Louise had everything handed to her on a velvet cushion. But somehow Ben and Louise were close; they got each other. He had no idea she was planning on moving away. Why would she want to do that? And why would she not tell him?</p><p><br/>“Yeah, well, Mel was all over the place. I probably got the wrong end of the stick.” Ruby shrugged her shoulders. Ben considered her explanation but was unconvinced. There was definitely more to the story.</p><p><br/>“You and Callum gonna be at the opening?” asked Ruby, changing the subject to change the mood. She didn’t want to get into the Ben and Louise discussion. Ben always managed to overlook the fact that his dad had given him a business to make his way in life, and Ruby felt that his self-pity was somewhat misplaced. Phil had done some terrible things to Ben, but Ruby’s observation was that Phil was shifting and she could see his love for Ben. Her own dad had done terrible things but she would forgive him in a heartbeat if she could have him back. She brought her mind back to Callum. “You are still on, aren’t you? He hasn’t ditched you for a taller version?” she teased.</p><p><br/>“As if!” Ben looked genuinely affronted. “Of course we’ll be there. He’s a shit dancer but he does seem to like watching my arse.” Ruby giggled.</p><p><br/>“I’ll make sure he has a ringside seat then to enjoy your gorgeous backside doing its stuff,” she sniggered. Ben widened his eyes in mock outrage.</p><p><br/>“I have moves! Anyway, who will be on your arm? Max? Martin?” Ruby sighed heavily at the question.</p><p><br/>“Max’ll have a meltdown if it’s not him. Martin will be there though and Max does know.”</p><p><br/>“You told him?” Ben was not really surprised. Ruby was unapologetic about her choices. She nodded and shrugged.</p><p><br/>“I’m gonna cut him loose. It’s doin’ my ‘ead in. He wants to get married and I don’t. I don’t think I ever will, not to anybody.” Ben looked at his beautiful friend and wondered if her scars would ever heal. Ruby turned to him. “I was gonna talk to you about Martin actually.” Her voice sounded worried if anything and Ben waited carefully for what she said next. “He said you introduced him to one of your mates. He wants out Ben. He has fresh injuries every other day. It’s not good.” She could see Ben was getting annoyed and put a hand on his arm in reassurance. “I’m not having a go at you Ben. Martin’s a big boy. But maybe you can help him get out?”</p><p><br/>“Ya know what Rubes? I am trying to go straight. For Callum. For Lexi. I didn’t want to introduce Martin to no-one. He begged me.” Ben was becoming increasingly frustrated at how this was his problem.</p><p><br/>“I know Ben,” Ruby soothed, lifting his chin gently with a perfectly manicured finger so that he was paying attention. “Your mum would have wanted you to help him out. It’s pressure, ain’t it?” Ben knew Ruby wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. He smiled sadly at her.</p><p><br/>“I already offered to help ‘im,” he said. “He turned me down.” Ruby frowned. Martin had told her that he wanted Ben’s help. It didn’t make sense.</p><p><br/>“Can you try again? Please Ben,” she pleaded. Ben rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, sighed heavily and nodded. Okay, he would have another chat with Martin.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Expectations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>An amalgamation of some of my favourite scenes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben glanced down at his phone and stopped walking. Callum, who had been holding his hand, stopped also.</p><p><br/>“What?” asked Callum, watching Ben’s concern grow.</p><p><br/>“It’s Louise, she’s having the baby.” He looked up at Callum. “Apparently no-one has seen Keanu, and it is now my job to find the plank.” Callum frowned at Ben’s insult. He could not persuade Ben to give his prospective brother-in-law a chance. Ben was determined to see Keanu as intolerable. Callum thought Keanu was okay, if a bit dull as he never had any conversation or showed any interest in anything.</p><p><br/>“He went into your dad’s a few minutes ago. I saw him when we came round the corner,” explained Callum. “Why don’t you go and get him and I’ll take you to the hospital? You shouldn’t be driving!” Ben nearly laughed. Callum could be so cute.</p><p><br/>“Why?” he enquired, turning to face his knight in shining armour, putting on a suitably serious face.</p><p><br/>“I don’t know,” answered Callum, his face radiating concern. “Stress?” Oh my god, he was for real, thought Ben, and it was adorable.</p><p><br/>“Callum,” he started, getting hold of Callum’s lapels. “You are brilliant. You are sexy. And,” he stared at his lover, three important words bouncing round his head, “I am lucky to have you.” One of these days, he would betray himself. “Please just go to work.” Callum smiled and kissed Ben.</p><p><br/>“15 minutes notice. It’s all I need,” he insisted, stroking Ben’s face. As he walked off, he cast an anxious look at Tubbs who was leaning against the lamppost. Ben saw him as well and walked over.</p><p><br/>“You don’t have business round ‘ere mate,” he warned. Tubbs, like Callum and Martin, had a few inches on Ben and he stood up to his full height, an unspoken threat.<br/>“Is that right, Benny boy? Maybe I do,” he drawled lazily, full of self-confidence. “Anyway, here’s a story: I hear lover boy is gonna be a copper. What does daddy think of that, eh?” Ben slit his eyes and gathered his most menacing energy. It didn’t bother him that he was shorter than the average thug. He was not afraid of anybody. Tubbs had hit a nerve though; Ben had managed to avoid talking to Phil for weeks and was very worried about having the conversation about Callum’s dream job.</p><p><br/>“Copper. Not a copper. It don’t make no difference. An’ you,” he said, jabbing Tubbs in the stomach, “still don’t have no business round ‘ere!” Tubbs held his hands up in mock defeat.</p><p><br/>“I’m just picking up … ” he paused, searching for the right term, “a colleague. And here he is,” pointing at Martin walking towards him. Ben was mindful he had not talked to Martin since promising Ruby that he would. He knew he should try to stop him going with Tubbs but he had other priorities. Right now, he had to go and get Keanu and then get to the hospital. Martin would have to wait. But he was concerned as he watched the two big men walk away.</p><p><br/>Ben pushed open the gate that led to the kitchen door of his dad’s house. He could hear Sharon and she sounded agitated. As he let himself in, Sharon abruptly stopped shouting and Keanu sprung away from her. Ben looked at them curiously, head cocked over.</p><p><br/>“Well, I have to tell ya both, ya look like you’re ‘avin’ a secret affair,” he laughed. But he didn’t miss the panicked looks that crossed both of their faces. He had clearly hit a nerve or two, Was Keanu having an affair and did Sharon know about it? Ben looked between them both. He would come back to this, whatever it was, later.</p><p><br/>“Well you’ll have to pour cold water on that passion, lover boy.” He turned to face Keanu. “Your fiancé is about to pop your sprog so you need to get to the hospital. Pronto!” Ben added the last word as Keanu appeared to be rooted to the spot. It had its desired effect as Keanu left sharply. Ben looked at Sharon carefully. She seemed very shaken up.<br/>“Is that muppet gonna disappoint my sister?” he asked quietly. Sharon looked scared. Why was she scared? There were questions here and Ben was determined to find the answers.</p><p><br/>“What?” Sharon was flustered, eyes darting quickly around the room. “What’re ya talkin’ about?” She regathered her composure quickly. “Are we going to the hospital then?”</p><p><br/>“Yeah we are. We don’t have to catch up with Keano; I’ve called a cab.” He hooked his arm through Sharon’s and leaned towards her conspiratorially. “On the way, you can tell me all about whatever it was you two were bein’ so secretive about.” Sharon looked exasperated at Ben and laughed.</p><p><br/>“Keano,” she chuckled. “I can’t get your dad to say his name properly.”</p><p><br/>“Or Lerwheez,” snorted Ben. He and Sharon had always shared a sense of humour, especially if it meant laughing at Phil behind his back. “I’m lucky. You can’t go wrong with Ben.” Sharon laughed along with him as they left the house.</p><p><br/>In the cab, Ben wondered how to get Sharon to reveal her secret.</p><p><br/>“Ruby told me something,” he offered as a tempter. Sharon looked at him inquisitively. “Yeah,” Ben continued, “she said Louise, Keanu and Lisa were planning to move to Portugal.” He was watching Sharon closely and saw her catch her breath. “You knew.” It wasn’t a question.</p><p><br/>“I did. But it’s not happening now.” She caught hold of Ben’s hand. “So Phil doesn’t need to hear about it. Ben, you understand that, don’t you?”</p><p><br/>“So what were you and Keanu discussing?” If she wanted him to keep the secret, his price was another secret. But Sharon had been playing secrets and lies a lot longer than Ben.<br/>“Keanu’s worried that I’m going to tell Phil. He won’t be the golden boy if Phil finds out, will he, even if he is marrying Louise? He keeps going on and on about it. It’s making me tired. I just lost my temper.”</p><p><br/>Ben knew it was a dead end. Time to reverse and look for another route.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                              +++</p><p><br/>Phil sat alone in the hospital corridor. Only Keanu and Lisa were allowed in the delivery suite, so Ben had taken Sharon home. She was exhausted; being fifty and pregnant was no joke. Phil was even older. He’d spent a lot of his life drunk and one of the great advantages of that was not having to feel so much. He had been sober since his liver transplant three years ago and it had given him a lot of time to think clearly. He wanted his family around him: Sharon and the new baby, Dennis, Louise, Keanu and their baby. Seven people in the house. He knew that was a lot but if he had his way it would include Ben and Callum as well.</p><p><br/>Ben had spotted his dad’s mood earlier and came back to check on him. As he walked through the hospital doors, he could see his old man looking smaller somehow and very tired.</p><p><br/>“What’s happenin’?” he asked as he sat down on one of the hard plastic seats next to his dad.</p><p><br/>“She’s scared,” said Phil. “I can tell.”</p><p><br/>“Well, it’s early. Of course she’s scared. She’ll be alright. We’re fighters.” Ben watched his dad closely. Something was different.</p><p><br/>“I’m getting’ too old to fight,” sighed Phil, exhaustion and apprehension oozing out of him. “Stand by, you might have to step in for me.” He smiled fondly at his son. “Do me a favour, make sure you ain’t as old as me before you ‘ave another one.” Phil was full of surprises. Ben could almost believe that his dad understood that gay men could have children. “What’s with the face?” asked Phil.</p><p><br/>“Worried, s’all,” muttered Ben.</p><p><br/>“’bout what?” Phil looked at him directly, clearly expecting an answer. Ben looked at the floor. He couldn’t decide how to tell his dad about Callum. He needed to think it through and prepare himself. But Phil was about to surprise him again. “Look, I know,” he said. “ ‘Bout Callum wanting to become a copper.” Ben looked up in horror. Fuck! He was going to have to talk about this right now.</p><p><br/>“Listen I know it’s not ideal,” he stammered, panicking. “But it’s what he wants to do. I’ll work sommin’ out, I’ll sort it.”</p><p><br/>“Nah, shut up will ya?” Phil dismissed the problem. “No-one’s perfect, are they? Besides it might come in ‘andy ‘aving a bent copper in the family.” Phil actually laughed at his own little joke. “No offence!” he said, smiling at Ben. Ben was dumbstruck. His dad knew all along, he wasn’t bothered AND he was making inappropriate jokes. What the fuck was going on? But Phil had more to offer. “Anyway, I ain’t seen ya this ‘appy since Paul, so, er, I’m pleased for ya.”</p><p><br/>Ben was lost for words. All he knew was that a weight that he had been carrying, that he had been struggling to carry, had been eased. His dad had lifted it.</p><p><br/>“With Paul,” Ben hesitated, unsure about sharing with his dad, “everything was better. I was better, more some’ow. I was scared that I was never gonna be that person again. But now with Callum …” He looked at his dad, wondering if he saw weakness in his son, but instead saw understanding and love looking back at him.</p><p><br/>“I’m gonna hand over the keys to The Arches,” he blurted out, before courage deserted him. “I’ll keep the freehold. I wanna, ya know, for Callum …” he trailed off, wondering if he had just gone a step too far. He sneaked a glance, examining his dad’s reactions. Was he about to blow his lid? But Phil was nodding.</p><p><br/>“Course. Talk to Shirley. She’s in charge of things.” He looked at Ben. “I’m taking a step back as well. These babies, they’re a fresh start. We can do things differently. Make everything work like it should, nobody in trouble. You know sommin’ Ben – we are all gonna be happy.” Phil rested his head back on the wall, looking momentarily peaceful. Then he sat up, suddenly fierce, more of his old self. “I won’t have no-one takin’ advantage though,” he growled. Grasping Ben’s shoulder, he brought him close. “You’re strong. I see it in ya, in yer businesses. You’re tough, ya stand up for yerself, don’tcha?” Yes, thought Ben, yes he was and yes he did.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                       +++</p><p><br/>Callum could see how much it meant to his boyfriend as Ben recounted the conversation with his dad and described the meeting with Shirley. His eyes were shining and he looked relieved and happy. Callum was beginning to realise that his decision to apply to the police had been a huge burden for Ben. He was immensely touched that Ben was prepared to make changes to his life for him. Callum refused to think of this as him changing Ben; this was enabling Ben to be his best self and a better dad for Lexi. But he did recognise that it had been difficult for Ben. He also recognised that, although Ben had made it clear that he would prefer Callum not to have police ambitions, the bigger part of him wanted Callum to follow his dreams and would support him with whatever he wanted to do. Callum felt slightly guilty that this was something he did not reciprocate. He wasn’t prepared to support Ben in whatever he wanted do. He absolutely expected it to be legal. Maybe there could be a greyness around the definition; Callum wasn’t phased by the odd stolen car or a tough deal that ended up in cut lips and black eyes. He was from that world and knew that it had blurred edges. But he could not accept Ben being a villain.</p><p><br/>Callum was making dinner - chicken pasta - and Ben was supposed to be making a salad. He opened a bag of leaves, emptied it into a bowl and, satisfied with his industry, got himself a beer. Leaning on the counter, he watched Callum’s backside.</p><p><br/>“Stop ogling my arse!” ordered the chef, followed by flashing a look of disappointment at the results of Ben’s efforts. “You can’t honestly think that constitutes a salad,” he bossed, indicating Ben’s dish.</p><p><br/>“I can. I do,” stated Ben proudly. “And you should be happy I find your arse so delicious.” He tipped his head so that he could get a better look. Honestly, he was having the best day.</p><p><br/>Callum liked to set the table and “eat properly” as he described it. His brother Stuart loved flowers and there was always a little arrangement placed there made up of leftovers from the funeral parlour. The flat was hideously decorated in garish pink paint and floral wallpaper left over from when Honey had lived there after Pam and Les left when Paul died. Ben had thought it might be difficult spending time with Callum in the same flat where he had spent time with Paul, but he felt at home there. Stuart and Rainie had gone completely overboard with the decorations and Ben felt like he was eating in a Barbie themed Christmas grotto, but it still felt like home. Callum didn’t seem to notice. He was always so happily grateful to have the flat. Ben had the feeling that it was a palace compared to the flat Callum and Stuart had shared with Jonno. He loved being here with Callum.</p><p><br/>“How’s Louise?” Callum was a little sad that he hadn’t been included in the Mitchell family baby visit. He loved babies. He was included in Beale family events and was looking forward to Christmas and what it might offer, but the Mitchells were a different matter. Ben kept Callum away from that side of his family. Callum wondered, after Ben’s conversation with Phil, if it might be different going forward. “What have they called the baby?”</p><p><br/>“Peggy, after my nan,” replied Ben, devouring his dinner like he hadn’t eaten in a week.</p><p><br/>“That’s nice. What was your other nan called? On your mum’s side?” Callum had not known his nans and found Ben’s family fascinating. He could see that Ben was giving it some thought.</p><p><br/>“I never met her but I think she was called Brenda.” He grinned cheekily at Callum. “Not a name for a baby, eh?” he laughed. Callum privately thought Peggy was not a name for a baby, but wisely he kept that to himself.</p><p><br/>“Eat the salad,” he instructed. Ben looked at him amused.</p><p><br/>“I will. I made it, didn’t I?” he complied, obediently putting salad on his plate and shovelling it in his mouth. Clearing his plate, he sat back relaxed and beamed at Callum. “I could get used to this.” Callum almost laughed. Ben had pasta sauce on his cheek and his t-shirt had ridden up to show a replete tummy. Not sexy. Not tough. Callum’s heart soared with love for this man.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Whodunnit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martin was shaking uncontrollably. Ruby had cleaned up the wounds but couldn’t get him to talk. She grabbed her phone and tapped out a quick text.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>ben I need you get round here</em>
</p><p><br/>Then just to be clear about the urgency:</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>now</em>
</p><p><br/>Ruby was no stranger to the tough life but she had made a conscious decision to keep on the straight and narrow and she really did not appreciate this intrusion. At just past thirty, she had set up a successful promotions business, owned her own flat outright and was in charge of her own life. She was smart, she was beautiful and she could look after herself. She wanted Martin out of her flat and, if he couldn’t sort himself out, she wanted him out of her life.</p><p><br/>She buzzed Ben in but was surprised to see Callum with him.</p><p><br/>“You’d need a foghorn to wake Ben at five in the morning. I saw his phone and woke him,” Callum explained. Ben whistled through his teeth when he saw Martin.</p><p><br/>“Tut tut Martin. What have you been up to?”</p><p><br/>“Ben shut up,” Ruby snapped. “I think he’s been in a car crash, not a fight. Look.” Ben followed her elegant fingers as she pointed out the injuries. She was probably right, he thought. Neither of them were forensic experts but the wounds didn’t look like Martin had been attacked or had been in a fight.</p><p><br/>“We should call the police,” said Callum. Ben and Ruby swung round in unison to face him.</p><p><br/>“No!” they shouted simultaneously. Callum looked coolly at the pair of them, picked up the first aid kit from the table and started improving on the job Ruby had done. Ben stood behind Martin, watching Callum’s hands softly touching Martin’s face. Callum’s face was grim and his hands slightly shook as he worked. Ben frowned slightly as he saw tears pricking Callum’s eyes.</p><p><br/>“When did he get here?” he asked, looking across at Ruby.</p><p><br/>“Around midnight … and he hasn’t said a word in five hours.” She hugged herself tight. The heating had gone off hours ago and she suddenly realised how cold she was. “He can’t stay here. I mean, I don’t want him here.” Ben picked up a throw from the settee and wrapped it round her.</p><p><br/>“Rubes, I get that you don’t want any part of the wrong side of the law. That’s the same as me. Me and Callum, this is not us either.” Ruby slumped down on her bed. Ben sat next to her and put his arm around her. Squeezing her gently, he asked, “How do we get to be good citizens, eh?” Callum looked across at him and shook his head.</p><p><br/>“You just be one. That’s all.” His voice was uncompromising. He stared at Ben and Ruby, thinking that the three of them had so much life lived on the wrong side. Nevertheless, it wasn’t a life sentence. It could be different for them. “We should take him back to the flat, Ben.”</p><p><br/>“Killed him!” mumbled Martin. Shocked, Callum took a step back. Ben jerked up his head.</p><p><br/>“What did he say?” whispered Ruby. The three of them looked at each other, seeing the fear appear on each other’s faces.</p><p><br/>“He said,” Callum repeated slowly, “killed him!” Turning back to Martin, he crouched down and looked up at the broken man. “Who’s dead Martin?” His voice was soft and comforting, encouraging trust. Martin shrugged, his mind obviously elsewhere. “A stranger, yeah?” Callum persisted. Martin unexpectedly locked eyes with Callum. Callum froze as a distant memory fired and his chest tightened. Oh god, not here, please, he pleaded with himself. He closed his eyes and pictured Ben sleeping in the morning, listened to his soft snores and felt his arms wrapped around him. He felt his breathing steadying and opened his eyes. “Let’s get him back to the flat, Ben.” Ben nodded. He had seen Callum’s panic. It wasn’t the first time and he knew there was something deeper there.</p><p><br/>“Call me later, yeah?” appealed Ruby, holding the door open as Callum and Ben almost carried Martin out of the flat.</p><p><br/>The early hour meant that it was still very dark and even the market traders had not arrived to set up for the day. Nobody saw Ben and Callum dragging Martin through the square and towards the funeral parlour. Stuart wasn’t in so they lay Martin on Stu’s bed. As Ben stood up, Martin grabbed his arm.</p><p><br/>“Thanks mate,” he mumbled, before crashing into a deep sleep.</p><p><br/>Callum and Ben lay in their bed, fully clothed, comforted by each other. They didn’t talk about Martin. Ben wondered if he should ask Callum about that moment in Ruby’s flat but they were exhausted and emotional and he knew this wasn’t the right time. Callum wondered if he should ask Ben if he had known that Martin was still in trouble. Ruby and Ben were close, he reflected, so of course she would turn to Ben for help. It didn’t mean Ben was involved. He decided to trust Ben. He stroked Ben’s face gently and was rewarded with a lovely smile.</p><p><br/>“Bit of a night, eh?” quipped Ben. Callum didn’t say anything, just held him close.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                              +++</p><p><br/>The following morning, Martin refused to say anything more about what had happened. He thanked Ben and Callum for looking after him but insisted that he didn’t need any help.</p><p><br/>“You said somebody was dead,” Ben had pushed. Martin had denied it, saying he was probably delirious or something and talking rubbish. So the day carried on like any other.<br/>Mid-morning, Ben was sitting in the car lot, mulling it all over when his dad called.</p><p><br/>“I need ya to come an’ ‘ave a look at my computer,” Phil demanded. Ben rolled his eyes. Sharon had no problems using the computer so it wasn’t an age thing, his dad was just useless.</p><p><br/>“I’m at work dad. I’ll come over at lunchtime.” There was a pause on the other end of the line before Phil said,</p><p><br/>“I need ya to come an’ ‘ave a look at my computer now!” Ben huffed into his coat. One day, he promised himself, he would not spend his nights and his days running around after other people. He strolled across The Square, admiring the Christmas tree in the middle of the garden. Ian had surpassed himself this year, ensuring that the council put up an enormous tree with a gazillion lights on it.</p><p><br/>His dad was sitting in the dining room, glaring at Sharon’s computer. He was seething, that much was immediately clear, and Ben felt his heart still. Angry Phil was a dangerous thing.</p><p><br/>“Did you know Sharon paid for Mel’s funeral?” Phil stormed. Ben stared at him confused, wondering how he was supposed to have known that. “Now why would she do that?” Phil continued. “They ‘ated each other.”</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” agreed Ben, “that is weird. I’ll give you that. But have you talked to Sharon about this?”</p><p><br/>“What’s the point? She’ll only lie to me.” Phil pushed the computer towards Ben. “I need you to get into this.” Ben was tired and didn’t have the energy to argue. He tapped a key and stared thoughtfully at the password box. Phil was impatient.</p><p><br/>“Ain’t you in yet?” he moaned, pacing back and forth in front of the window.</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” Ben said, relieved that, on this occasion, he wasn’t going to disappoint. “You’d think if she was up to sommin’, she might make her password ‘arder to break into. Right, let’s ‘ave a proper look.” He scrolled down through Sharon’s account. “Wow! She spent a fortune on Mel’s funeral.” Ben felt a shiver of apprehension ripple across his skin. Something was not right here. Phil leaned over to have a look.</p><p><br/>“Anything else?” he barked.</p><p><br/>“Hang on,” said Ben, tapping and scrolling, and frowning as it became evident that there was definitely something awry. “Dad, ‘ave you bought another villa in Portugal?” Phil looked confused.</p><p><br/>“What?” he snapped, the final consonant making a rare appearance as he spat out the word. Ben turned the screen towards Phil.</p><p><br/>“Well, why is there a villa in Mel’s name?” He showed the entry to Phil. Phil glowered as he looked at the screen.</p><p><br/>“Because Mel knew the truth,” cried Phil, seizing the laptop. “Mel knew the truth and she was blackmailing Sharon.” He hurled the machine across the room. Ben flinched, scared of his dad in this mood.</p><p><br/>“Truth about what dad?” Phil sat down heavily, holding his head in his hands.</p><p><br/>“The baby.” He looked beaten now. “That baby is not mine.” He went to the drawer and pulled out a sheet of paper and handed it to Ben. It was a paternity test clearly stating that the baby’s father was not Phil. Ben wasn’t sure what to do. Phil was livid but he was also devastated and Ben’s urge was to be there for him, to do whatever was required. His mind flitted back to the scene he had walked in on with Sharon and Keanu. Did Keanu know?<br/>“Have you talked to Keanu about this?”</p><p><br/>“Keano?” Phil was confused. “Nah. Why would I talk to Keano ‘bout this? It’s between me and you, Ben, for now.” The insecure part of Ben was pleased that his dad had confided in him first, but not so pleased as to think that it was a good thing. This was going to lead to a whole heap of trouble.</p><p><br/>“So whose baby do you think it is?” Ben watched his dad closely but could see that he didn’t know. Phil turned to him.</p><p><br/>“I want you to find out,” he ordered.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                              +++</p><p><br/>Rainie and Stuart were very much present in the flat and Callum was feeling a little crowded, a feeling made worse by the excess of Christmas decorations. He hadn’t really wanted Stu to come and live with him and, reflecting grumpily, he didn’t even remember saying that it was okay for Rainie to move in. He had asserted himself, insisting that he had the bigger bedroom with the double bed; it was his flat after all. Ben and Stu had an uneasy truce going, for which Callum was grateful as wanted them to get on, but, in his opinion, Stu had not gone anywhere near far enough towards making up for beating Ben up last year at Pride or for locking him in the boot of a car at Callum’s stag night. Ben had nothing to be sorry for; Stuart did but still seemed to think he could criticise Ben and Ben’s family. Callum was very annoyed with him. And now Stu had persuaded Jay to give him a try at the funeral parlour. He had informed Callum delightedly about this and had been surprised that Callum wasn’t thrilled. Callum sighed in frustration, knowing that there was little he could do about it all.</p><p><br/>“I want to make some changes to the flat after Christmas,” he suggested to Ben as they were watching TV. “Maybe decorate.” Ben was quiet. “Stu and Rainie need to find their own place,” Callum carried on before hesitating as he realised that this was not Ben’s home and he and Ben had not talked about moving in together. He was getting ahead of himself again. They spent every night together but it wasn’t the same as officially living together. “What d’ya think?”</p><p><br/>“Yeah babe,” murmured Ben. Callum looked down at Ben but couldn’t quite see his face. Was he listening? Was he watching the TV? Callum sensed that Ben’s mind was elsewhere. Ben was thinking hard about his dad’s order and also about Martin. He wanted to talk to Callum about everything but he had seen an odd reaction in Callum a few times now and it was always when there was trouble. Callum had been a bit down all evening and Ben was worried about him. Callum didn’t really do down; he was eternally positive and optimistic. Ben wanted to protect him and resolved to sort out his dad’s problem and the thing with Martin without involving Callum. He sat up.</p><p><br/>“I’m going out for a while,” he said, stroking Callum’s arm reassuringly.</p><p><br/>“Where?” asked Callum. Ben’s statement had come out of the blue and Callum reasoned that it was related to whatever Ben had been thinking about. “You didn’t say you were going out. What’re you doing?”</p><p><br/>“What? You’re my keeper now?” snapped Ben, not wanting to answer Callum’s questions. He knew it sounded too aggressive but he was too tired to be placatory.</p><p><br/>“No, no! Course not!” Callum was hurt by Ben’s tone and confused by the sudden switch from loving to angry. He didn’t really mind Ben’s moodiness, he was getting used to it, but he thought they had got over this habit of keeping secrets.</p><p><br/>“I’ll be late so I’ll stay at mine. Don’t wanna disturb ya.” Ben knew he was being mean but couldn’t be bothered to rein himself in. He stood up, swished on his coat and left. Callum was mortified. He had rushed things again, talking about the flat like it was their place. It was obviously too much and Ben had felt the need to escape, leaving without his usual kiss on the cheek or the forehead. Deflated, Callum wondered what he had done so wrong.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Problems dealt with</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben found Martin nursing a cut glass tumbler in E20. There was a bottle of scotch half empty on the bar. Ben looked accusingly at Billy, who was tending the bar. Billy was also a Mitchell, sharing a great grandad with Phil.</p><p><br/>“Please tell me he hasn’t drunk all of that,” Ben said, pointing at the bottle.</p><p><br/>“Hello to you too Ben,” welcomed Billy sarcastically. “We sell drink ‘ere. It’s what we do.” Ben scowled at Billy before nudging his shoulder under Martin’s arm and manoeuvring him to a booth. He signalled to Billy and mouthed “Water”. He needed Martin to sober up.</p><p><br/>“Anythin’ else I can get m’lord?” chirped Billy as he arrived with a jug of water and glasses. “And don’t ask for coffee. We don’t serve it late. He alright?” he asked, looking at Martin.</p><p><br/>“Is anyone alright?” griped Ben moodily. “What’s the bar for alright?” But the existential questions were way beyond a simple man like Billy.</p><p><br/>“Alright, alright,” he grumbled. “Keep yer ‘air on.” Ben turned his attention back to Martin, asking gently,</p><p><br/>“What’s goin’ on mate?” For once, Martin didn’t correct him about their relationship status. He observed Ben through glassy, bloodshot eyes and wondered if he could trust the cocky little shit. He needed a way out of this thing with Tubbs and what they had done. Maybe Ben could help.</p><p><br/>“We were on a job. Or rather, we’d done the job and we were … celebratin’, drinkin’. In the van. I was driving.” Martin fell into silence. Ben knew how it was to talk about an awful thing and waited patiently. “We were drinkin’. In the van,” Martin resumed his story, “and then we hit somethin’.” Tears started to roll down Martin’s face. Ben turned him round so that he was facing the wall, wanting to avoid people seeing him. “It was a person. A person, Ben. I hit a person. An’ I just drove off.” He was beginning to properly sob now and Billy had noticed, scooting over to check on things.</p><p><br/>“What’s going on Ben?” he demanded. “This is somewhere people come for fun. We can’t ‘ave ‘im in ‘ere like this.”</p><p><br/>“Okay Bill, ‘elp me get ‘im in the office. The door’s right there so we won’t ‘ave to go past any o’ yer punters enjoyin’ ‘emselves.” The two short men hoisted up the tall man and walked him through the door, down the short corridor into the club office. Billy left the room, shaking his head. Like he was the local saint, thought Ben harshly. Ben settled Martin onto the settee and perched himself onto the edge of the desk. He had read that morning in the local paper about a hit and run that had left a man dead and assumed that this was Martin’s victim. Martin’s face was pushed into the cushion but Ben could hear his muffled voice.</p><p><br/>“It’s the second time now that I’ve killed someone by runnin’ ‘em over.” Ben took a deep breath steadying himself to talk about something he had not forgotten or forgiven: Martin had killed Billy’s nephew, Jamie, who had been like a cousin for Ben.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, I remember,” he said simply. Now was not the time for recriminations. “Tell me Martin, you’ve been small time, y’know, burglary, vandalism. You’ve been inside. You’ve done robbing, blackmail, drugs. You terrorised innocent kids.” Martin turned over to examine Ben who looked back coldly. Maybe Ben could get a recrimination in. “I ‘aven’t forgotten the railway bridge Martin.” Ben’s words hit home and Martin closed his eyes. “So tell me Martin, given that you’ve done so much worse than me, why does everyone think you’re a salt o’ the earth family man and I’m scum?”</p><p><br/>“Have I Ben?” questioned Martin roughly. “Have I done so much worse than you?” He rubbed his eyes and reached for the bottle of water that Ben had set on the floor next to him. “Maybe the point is, that I’ve stopped and you ‘aven’t.” The two men glared at each other until Ben broke the wary silence.</p><p><br/>“I ‘aven’t done anythin’ illegal in months. You did a hit and run days ago.” Harsh but fair. The truth was that Ben didn’t understand why he seemed to be permanently tainted but Martin was completely forgiven. It had never bothered him that much but now, with Callum, he wanted the possibility of an honourable life. He wanted to be worthy of Callum.<br/>Martin was crying again. Ben wanted to feel sympathy but what he really felt was anger. He was about to do something illegal to save this man’s skin. He would have to keep it from Callum so he was going to lie to his boyfriend for Martin. And then, at the end of it all, Martin would be that great guy that everyone knew and loved, and Ben would still be scum.</p><p><br/>“Where’s the van Martin?” Ben’s voice was low and menacing, deadly serious. Martin heard the tone and looked up hopefully. Ben was going to help him.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                    +++</p><p><br/>Creeping into the Beale’s house early in the morning, Ben was exhausted. It had taken hours to break up the van and distribute the pieces. All he could think about was crawling into bed. His inattention meant that he missed Callum who had been unable to sleep and was out for an early run. Callum saw Ben going through the Beale’s back gate and noticed that he was wearing the clothes from yesterday. So he had been out all night. Callum was shattered. Part of him could not believe that Ben had been out on a hookup but what other explanation could there be? He had completely misjudged the feelings Ben had for him. He sat on Arthur’s bench, trying to make some sense of it all.<br/> </p><p>                                                                                                                           +++</p><p><br/>Ben woke around noon. He could tell that the house was empty. He reached across his bed, feeling sad that it also was empty. He missed Callum. He needed him. Pulling himself together, he reminded himself that there was still the matter of Sharon’s baby’s paternity to address. When he had sorted that out, he would patch things up with Callum and get on with being good.</p><p><br/>Casting his mind back to Mel’s funeral and, before that, the ill-fated surprise party, Ben tried to remember if he had noticed Sharon having furtive encounters with anybody. She was close to Jack Branning; Ben remembered seeing them head to head, deep in conversation. Could it be him? She had definitely been at odds with Mel and Lisa. And then there was that moment just a few days ago when he had walked into his dad’s house surprising her and Keanu. But who had she been close to seven months ago? That was really the question that needed to be answered.</p><p><br/>Seven months ago, Ben had been OBSESSED with Callum. The instant he had realised Callum was queer was etched for all time in Ben’s memory. Their faces had been almost touching and the sexual tension was off the scale. Callum had been angry about Ben selling him a stolen van and had pushed him against the wall. Ben being Ben had responded by thrusting his groin up towards Callum’s, intending to catch him off guard; it would normally be enough to get a man to back off. But Callum had reacted sexually. He hadn’t wanted to, of course, but he had been turned on. He knew it, Ben knew it and, from that moment, Ben was hooked. The upshot was that now he had no idea what was going on at that time for anybody else.</p><p><br/>First texting Louise to see if she and Peggy wanted to meet him for lunch, he showered and changed before heading out to Walford East, Ian’s restaurant.</p><p><br/>Louise was pleased to get out of the house. Phil was in a mood and it was spoiling everybody’s day. Keanu was great with Peggy, but there was something going on with him and Sharon with secret conversations being had behind closed doors. Louise grinned to herself. Christmas was coming and she felt sure there would be a lovely surprise for her.</p><p><br/>“You look ‘appy,” Ben kissed her forehead as he arrived, catching her in the middle of this thought. He looked at her closely. “Actually, strike that, you look fuckin’ knackered.” He reached for baby Peggy and nestled her in the crook of his arms, cooing and smiling.</p><p><br/>“It is so good to get out of the house,” said Louise, relaxing. “But I am tired. She,” nodding at the baby, “doesn’t sleep for more than a couple of hours and Keanu sleeps like the dead.”</p><p><br/>“You gotta make ‘im pull ‘is weight Lou,” advised Ben. He widened his eyes at his new niece as she locked eyes on him. “I’m yer Uncle Ben, gorgeous.”</p><p><br/>“She can’t see ya,” grumped Louise. “She’s too young to focus.”</p><p><br/>“Nah, ya got that wrong,” Ben smiled, “’cause this is feeding distance, and she can focus this far.” Louise was a bit fed up that Ben had managed to read more of the baby book than she had but was enjoying watching him with her daughter.</p><p><br/>“D’ya know what’s wrong with dad?” she asked. Ben scrutinised his sister, trying to figure out if she was strong enough for what he was about to tell her. He decided to get straight to the point.</p><p><br/>“He has found out, don’t ask me how, that he’s not Sharon’s baby daddy. And now he wants to know who is.” Louise’s face was the picture of shock. She leaned forward, closer to Ben.</p><p><br/>“What?” she whispered, horrified.</p><p><br/>“It’s a secret Lou, you can’t let on to anyone. Not even Keanu.” Louise stuck out her bottom lip, looking every inch the teenager she was.</p><p><br/>“Do you keep secrets from Callum?” she demanded. Ben pushed away the thought that, yes, he did. “But Keanu and Sharon are really close at the moment,” Louise carried on. “I think they’re organising my Christmas presents.” She giggled conceitedly. A vague warning bell rang in Ben’s head as he listened. “So, I’ll keep the secret. Just in case, y’know, Keanu lets it slip. He’s honest to a fault,” she said.</p><p><br/>“I was wondering if you can remember who was sniffin’ around Sharon seven months ago,” Ben probed, giving her a prompt. “You would have just found out you were pregnant.” Louise thought back.</p><p><br/>“Well, me and Keanu split up. That was then,” she recalled.</p><p><br/>“We’re trying to focus on Sharon,” Ben reminded her. Peggy was tightly holding onto his finger as she looked at him. She smelt delicious. Glancing up, he saw Callum, holding a takeaway bag, watching him from a little distance away. “Callum,” Ben waved. “Come an’ say ‘ello to Peggy.” Callum looked like he might not come over, and then he seemed to change his mind.</p><p><br/>“She’s beautiful Louise,” he said, bestowing his beautiful smile. Tickling Peggy, he brushed hands with Ben, and sharply pulled away. Louise misread this.</p><p><br/>“Oh she won’t break. Have a hold.” Ben had not misread Callum’s response and was disturbed. He flashed his most winning smile and handed Peggy to Callum. Callum’s big hands fitted her perfectly and he tucked her into his arms. Ben’s heart melted at Callum’s soft voice chatting to Peggy. He looked perfect in that moment. Callum glanced at him and saw the adoration. His heart twisted in confusion. He handed Peggy back to Ben, and picked up his food bag, saying,</p><p><br/>“I didn’t mean to disturb yer lunch. I only ‘ave a few minutes, so I’ll be getting’ back.” Ben reached for his hand.</p><p><br/>“I’ll see ya later babe,” he said softly, not missing the fact that when he squeezed Callum’s hand, he didn’t squeeze back. But Callum hesitated before walking away.</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” he said, stroking Ben’s hair. The action soothed Ben’s worries but he knew he needed to talk to Callum. Something was up.</p><p><br/>In his preoccupation with Callum, Ben missed a moment where Louise remembered something important. He watched Callum walking away and as he looked back at Louise, he could see that she was struggling. Her eyes were filling with tears and she looked alarmed.</p><p> </p><p><br/>“What’s the matter Lou?” he asked, placing Peggy carefully in her pram, and reaching for his sister’s hands.</p><p><br/>“I’m such an idiot,” she whispered, almost choking. “Can you look after Peggy? I need to go to see … need to go somewhere.” She got up hurriedly, looking distractedly around her. “She’s gonna need feeding but I left her bottles at home.”</p><p><br/>“It’s ok,” Ben reassured her, “I’ve got her. You go. I’ll see ya later.” Privately, he was more than a little frustrated that he wasn’t going to be able to follow her and find out who she was going to see but this felt like a lead. He would follow it up when she got back home.</p><p>                                                                                                                              +++</p><p><br/>Louise ran round to The Arches, barging in and locking the door behind her. Keanu had his head under a car bonnet. At the disturbance he stood up quickly, ready to defend himself. Phil’s business meant that he always had to be ready. He relaxed as he saw Louise and then immediately tensed as he saw how upset she was.</p><p><br/>“Where’s Peggy?” he asked worriedly.</p><p><br/>“She’s fine. Ben’s lookin’ after her.” Louise took a breath and steadied herself, saying, “You need to tell me the truth.” Keanu looked at her confused.</p><p><br/>“Always. I always tell you the truth,” he replied, pulling out the chair for her to sit down.</p><p>“Well that’s it,” snapped Louise. “I don’t think you do.” She paused, watching Keanu’s alarm grow. “But you are gonna tell me the truth this time.”</p><p><br/>“Lou, you just gotta tell me what you wanna know and I’ll tell you.” Louise felt her inner strength rising, giving her a calm that she hadn’t thought she would be able to muster.</p><p><br/>“Are you the father of Sharon’s baby?” She could see the answer in front of her as Keanu’s world crumbled and he collapsed onto the desk.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Lost and found</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ben and Callum have the best arguments and resolutions. Here’s a whole chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum was lost again. It was an overwhelmingly hopeless feeling. The only person he had was Stu, who not only got on his nerves most of the time, was so wrapped up in Rainie that Callum might as well have been invisible. Just days ago, he had friends and family, but it had been an illusion. They were Ben’s friends and Ben’s family. Callum was exasperated with himself; he knew better than to construct pink bubbles of unreality. He had old army buddies, but nobody close. He also had Mick but Callum could see that there was trouble in that household and they did not need him turning up on their doorstep. He had nobody.</p><p><br/>Christmas was less than a week away and Callum had been so hopeful that he would enjoy this with Ben and Lexi. He had loved the Christmas shopping not having had many opportunities to indulge in it before this year. It had been time spent with Lola and they had laughed a lot. Lola had a thing about inspirational quotes and Callum had bought a notebook for her, with “Don’t look back; it’s not the way you’re going” on the front with a picture of a traveller facing an open road. He had wrapped it and hidden it underneath the Beale’s Christmas tree. Lexi’s gift, a new board game, had already been expertly hidden away by Lola, but Callum wanted to give Ben his gift face-to-face. It was a wallet in beautiful rich brown leather, with BM embossed on the front and a picture of Ben and Lexi inside. He knew Ben was sentimental and he had thought Ben would enjoy having this memento of Callum on him always. Callum had a moment of deep despair; he had been such a fool.</p><p><br/>However, although he was a fool, he was also a proper grown up. He was not going to leave this precious relationship without a conversation. So here he was, sitting in his flat expecting Ben, so that they could end things properly. His heart was broken. It was going to be hard. He had nowhere else to go and he needed to keep his job so he would have to live in Ben Mitchell’s world but not be part of it. He sobbed loudly. The flat was empty - who was going to hear him?</p><p><br/>He heard Ben opening the door downstairs and quickly checked in the mirror that his tears were cleaned up.</p><p><br/>“Callum! You’ve been crying! What’s happened?” Ben saw him straightaway. He rushed over to hold his man. Callum held him away with his longer arms.</p><p><br/>“We’re gonna sit down Ben and we’re gonna talk.” Ben immediately complied, his face lined with concern and care. Callum wasn’t sure how to start.</p><p><br/>“I know you think I’m a soft touch …"</p><p><br/>“I don’t …” Ben interrupted, and then stopped as he saw Callum’s irritation.</p><p><br/>“You said I was your boyfriend, which means, to me, exclusive. Just me and you.” Ben was nodding.</p><p><br/>“It does,” he agreed. “to me as well.” Callum looked at him. Ben was about to lie to him about being out all night, he could sense it.</p><p><br/>“Whatever you’ve done, you need to tell me. We have got to have honesty.”</p><p><br/>“Callum babe,” said Ben, “ya sound like you’ve caught me with my pants down, but ya can’t have, except with you.” Callum realised he was crying again. He had wanted to have a calm conversation, for Ben to admit what he’d done, and for that to be that. He should have known it was never going to be that simple. He was going out with Ben Mitchell, after all, an expert liar and manipulator.</p><p><br/>“I saw you,” he wept. “After you left last night, I couldn’t sleep so I went out for a run early and I saw you coming back in. You were out all night.” Ben hung his head.<br/>“I was,” he said sadly, tears filling his eyes. “But it’s not what you think.” Ben was annoyed at himself for crying and wiped away his tears roughly with the back of his hand. People always thought the worst of him but not Callum; he had not expected Callum to think so badly of him. “Ya think I would hook up with some random? Ya think I would do that?” Ben’s voice was low and anguished. Callum was baffled as he observed that Ben looked completely crushed. “This thing between us,” Ben moved his hand between them, “does it not feel real to you?” he cried, the pitch of his voice rising with hurt evident in every syllable. Callum realised that he had misjudged matters. Ben was looking at him with total disappointment which hurt Callum more than the thought of Ben cheating. He was demanding honesty from Ben so maybe it was time for him to be honest.<br/>“This is special Ben,” he said quietly, moving round and putting his hands gently around Ben’s head. “Me and you. I’ve been looking for this for half my life. An’ I am in love with you Ben, a real and proper love, and it’s beautiful.” Ben looked at Callum’s earnest, beautiful face. He believed Callum’s words. A part of him soared high with the knowledge that he was loved like this, but the other part was finding it hard to forget that Callum, to whom he had shown total loyalty and fidelity, thought he would have cheated, and not just cheated, but indulged in a meaningless hookup. How could he have thought that? Ben’s face hardened.</p><p><br/>“You really need to start believing in me,” he said harshly, the slight quiver in his voice betraying that he was upset more than angry. Callum was frustrated. He had professed his love for Ben. It was an important moment as those words had not been used by either of them before. But now he was getting a guilt trip. Ben might not have been out last night on the pull, but he had been out all night doing something.</p><p><br/>“You need to start being honest, about who you are and what you are,” Callum shot back. A silent war waged between them as they looked into each other’s eyes. Callum was fighting for honesty from Ben. Ben was fighting for trust from Callum. Ben turned away and Callum looked down as they reached an impasse. Both were hypocrites even though they didn’t know it yet about each other. Callum didn’t acknowledge that, in hiding his illness from Ben, he had been less than honest. Ben wanted Callum to trust him not to get involved with criminality at the same time as hiding his criminal activity from Callum.</p><p><br/>“I’m protecting you by not involving you,” pleaded Ben. Callum huffed.</p><p><br/>“I went to war Ben. I was a soldier. What? You think I needed protecting then?” Callum pulled himself up, tall and proud. Ben rolled his eyes. The soldier thing was always a trump card. “You can tell me anything Ben. It wouldn’t matter to me. I can handle it, whatever it is you get up to. But I’m not just gonna stand here and be shut out.”</p><p><br/>“There are some things that should stay with me and me alone,” Ben determinedly stated again. He was becoming seriously fed up with this conversation. He knew there was something about Callum, an anxiety problem maybe, that made him vulnerable. Callum might think that he didn’t need protecting but Ben knew that he did. Suddenly, he heard Jay’s voice in his head telling him not to make decisions for Callum, to respect him enough to know for himself what was best for him. He looked at this big strong man who he loved almost more than he could bear and who, he now knew for certain, loved him back. He would show him this respect. Callum saw Ben’s surrender.</p><p><br/>“Tell me about those things,” he said.</p><p><br/>So Ben explained about Martin and the hit and run. He expected Callum to think that Martin should hand himself in and was surprised that Callum’s view was that it was a series of unfortunate events none of which pointed to Ben and Martin being bad people.</p><p><br/>“You do know that when you’re a copper, you can’t let people off their bad deeds because they’re not bad people,” he pointed out.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, but I might be able to stop good people from doin’ the bad stuff,” explained Callum. Ben had a flash of insight into Callum’s motivation: Callum was not about law and order, he was about saving people. They were both raised on mean streets. Ben had become part of the scene but Callum had transcended it; he wanted to make it better. Ben was impressed.</p><p><br/>“You’re a strong fucker, ain’t you?” he complimented. Callum blushed modestly, but didn’t want Ben to change the subject.</p><p><br/>“So it’s sorted? Tubbs is gonna leave Martin alone?” he questioned.</p><p><br/>“I don’t think it’s over,” Ben sighed. “We’re gonna have to come up with a plan to deal with Tubbs.” He looked at Callum thoughtfully. “When I told my mum that I was cleaning up my act, she told me ‘Be the man you are’. She told me that I ‘ave a good heart, but that it didn’t mean I have to be a pushover.”</p><p><br/>“She was right, is right,” comforted Callum. Ben didn’t seem convinced.</p><p><br/>“Yeah but,” he said, grasping Callum’s hand, appealing for his help, “I don’t know how to stop. It feels like there’ll always be one more job, one more fuckin’ problem to sort.”<br/>“I’m here Ben. It’s you an’ me not you by yerself.” Callum knew he was sounding like a romcom character. He and Ben could not live in a bubble. He remembered a counsellor talking to him about blinkers. They had discussed whether it was better to go through life wearing blinkers that kept vexatious experiences away so that they didn’t need to be addressed, or better to not wear blinkers, to see the difficulties and be able to handle them. Of course, the choice was not that simple. What if you couldn’t handle the difficulties? Wouldn’t it then be better to have avoided them? Callum had wrestled with this choice and was determined to be blinker-free. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t romanticise his relationship with Ben. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do to help,” he said, placing his other hand over Ben’s. Ben looked at it and placed his other hand on top. They both looked at their four hands, tightly held together.</p><p><br/>“We’re tight, ain’t we?” Ben smiled as he went to kiss Callum. The kiss was passionate, both having missed each other immensely. Ben fell off his chair, joining Callum on the floor, wrapping his legs around him as they rolled over. He felt Callum’s hand cup the back of his head before it hit the floor and was momentarily taken aback at the care and thoughtfulness before baser emotions took over. They grappled with each other’s clothes, eager to get closer. Ben’s whole body was fizzing in anticipation. “I think I must be a sex addict,” he moaned, as Callum littered his hips with light kisses. “I could do this all day.”<br/>“Stop talking,” muttered Callum, taking his mouth down Ben’s thighs.<br/>“Just telling you … how you … make … me … … feel,” protested Ben, hardly able to talk as his consciousness cartwheeled around his head. He bent over to nibble Callum‘s shoulders, then swung himself round so that he could reach Callum’s thighs. He adored Callum’s thighs and rested his head on them for a moment before grasping them firmly as he took Callum into his mouth, conscious that Callum was doing the same for him. It was impossible to concentrate, so neither of them bothered to try, instead just existing in moment after moment of ecstasy. Afterwards they lay on the floor, sated and spent.</p><p><br/>“Fuckin’ wow,” panted Ben.</p><p><br/>“Do you ever stop talking?” laughed Callum, leaning up on his arm, taking in the delicious sight of Ben sprawled naked on the livingroom floor. “D’ya fancy a bath before bed?” Ben’s eyes widened, intrigued.</p><p><br/>“Have ya seen the size of your bath?” Ben was perplexed by Callum’s idea. Callum himself loved a bath and would luxuriate for hours when he could, but Ben was a two minute shower type. “And the size of you?” he continued. “How do you think we’ll fit together?” he leered suggestively.</p><p><br/>Minutes later, Ben lay back in the bath against Callum. Callum was washing him and Ben found that he was enjoying it more than he would ever have imagined. He could see how this could be a very sensual act, but, in this moment, it felt like Callum was washing away all of life’s troubles so that Ben could be free of them, just for a while. It was wonderful. Swapping over, he smiled at how Callum had to bend his legs and put his feet up on the taps. His smile broadened as he imagined Tubbs or one of the big villains, somebody like Danny Hardcastle, seeing him now. Callum felt Ben’s amusement.</p><p><br/>“What are you grinning at?” he puzzled. Ben covered his lover’s face with soap suds.</p><p><br/>“Just think we’re cute ‘s all.”</p><p><br/>Bathtime was swiftly followed by bedtime and Ben and Callum lay in bed looking at each other.</p><p><br/>“I missed you,” said Ben.</p><p><br/>“It was only one night,” Callum pointed out.</p><p><br/>“Yeah well, I didn’t like it,” complained Ben. “I reached across the bed when I woke up, you weren’t there and I missed you.” As Callum reached across and stroked Ben’s face, Ben pushed his cheek into Callum’s hand like a cat, closing his eyes and practically purring. Sleep came easily.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Crossed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another mish-mash of some amazing scenes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louise and Ben faced each other across the table in the café. Peggy was back in Ben’s arms, gazing adoringly at her uncle, who was struggling to contain his shock at what he just been told; he didn’t want any negative emotion to be transmitted to his gorgeous niece so he rocked her and smiled at her.</p><p><br/>“Keanu?” he whispered, looking up at his sister, his mind racing to make sense of this new information. Louise had come home yesterday in an awful state and had refused to talk to him. But this morning, she had texted him to meet her at the café. He knew she was going to tell him something important, but would not have guessed at this. This was a whole world of trouble.</p><p><br/>Louise had decided on the café as a good place to tell Ben her news, especially if she made sure he was cuddling Peggy. He wouldn’t kick off then, she had reasoned. She trusted Ben completely to come up with the right plan, but also knew that he would be devastated and angry before he started problem-solving. Her mind was a mess. She couldn’t work out how she felt and had no idea of what to do. The thought dominating all others was Phil, what could they do about Phil?</p><p><br/>“Dad’ll ‘ ave ‘im killed.” Louise said, her voice flat and tired. Ben watched her closely. There weren’t many clues but she didn’t seem angry. Surely she should be angry.</p><p><br/>“He might deserve it,” he said slowly, trying to read Louise’s thoughts. “He has pretended to be the perfect son all the time shagging his pretend dad’s wife. How fucked up is that?” Louise shot him an irritated look. “He cheated on you!” Ben protested.</p><p><br/>“Not ‘all the time’, Ben. And it was when we split up so technically not cheating.” Louise knew she was making excuses. She had been deceived and so had her dad. In fact, she had been doubly deceived, as Sharon, who she viewed as a mum, was part of this. Sharon held their family together. How could she have done this?</p><p><br/>Ben was also thinking about Sharon. He loved Sharon like a mum as much as Louise did. Sharon had made sure that they had a stable home and helped Phil get sober. Sharon embraced Ben’s homosexuality and challenged Phil when he didn’t. Her son Denny was Ben’s brother, not just because Phil had adopted him, but with a solid bond of love and support. This was going to blast them apart. Ben felt a tornado of anger whirl through him; forget Phil, he would fucking kill that gormless idiot Keanu himself. He quickly suppressed the feeling, jigging Peggy and chatting softly to her before tucking her into her pram, all the time cooing and smiling.</p><p><br/>Louise was worried as Ben put Peggy down. He would be more volatile now.</p><p><br/>“I’m scared Ben,” she whimpered, hoping to appeal to her brother’s protective instincts.</p><p><br/>“Drop the damsel in distress act Lou,” snapped Ben. He knew Louise was tough. “We need to think this through. Dad has to know …” he stopped as he saw Louise’s face crumple then stated bluntly, “Come on, he has to know.” Seeing her tears, he relented. “It’s about damage limitation Lou … but there will be damage.” Louise nodded.</p><p><br/>“Dad’ll never forgive Sharon,” she said grimly, gulping back her tears. “All that time he was away in Spain, she was havin’ a thing with Keanu.”</p><p><br/>“What? When?” Ben could not believe his ears. “So it wasn’t just earlier this year?” he demanded.</p><p><br/>“No,” mumbled Louise. “They’d been together for months last year, then they ended it. I even suspected once, there was a voice message that sounded like … anyway, Sharon explained it. It was after that, that Keanu and me started going out. When we split up, Keanu was really upset an’ he got drunk; that’s when Sharon took advantage of him.”</p><p><br/>“Oh come on Louise,” said Ben brusquely. “Is that what he said? He blamed Sharon?”</p><p><br/>“What?” she snapped back, annoyed. “If I’d’ve been drunk and ended up sleepin’ with someone, you would think they’d taken advantage. It doesn’t just happen to women.” She sighed heavily, closing her eyes for a moment. “But no, he didn’t blame Sharon. He said it just happened and that they both regretted it straightaway.”</p><p><br/>“So it was all just a big mistake,” sneered Ben. “Sharon got pregnant by mistake and lied to dad about the baby being his. By mistake, yeah?” This was a monumental mess and Ben had no idea how to fix it. There was no point in casting judgement though; they needed a plan.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                 +++</p><p><br/>Phil stood in The Arches feeling like his head had just exploded. Ben leaned against the wall, as far away as he could get while Phil was smashing up the place with a baseball bat. It had taken him a couple of days to come up with a plan; he only had today and tomorrow to line everything up so he needed his dad to get through the smashing up the place stage quickly.</p><p><br/>“So, let me get this straight,” Phil growled, his tone becoming increasingly incredulous. “Sharon’s baby … is Keanu’s?” He swung the bat crashing it down on a workbench, scattering the tools. “All this time right under my nose. I treated that kid like a son. I’m gonna rip him apart!” he yelled. “I’m gonna kill ‘im then I’m gonna kill ‘er. And you,” he shouted, jabbing Ben in the chest with the bat, “you’re gonna ‘elp me.”</p><p><br/>“We’ll sort this out Dad, but you gotta pull yerself together,” Ben urged. Phil scared him in this mood. The man was violent and unpredictable. “Neither of us are doin’ time for Keanu Taylor, neither of us, so we’ve gotta be smart.” He walked up to his dad, grabbing the old man’s shoulders. “Trust me. I’ll sort it.”</p><p><br/>“You are jokin’,” snapped Phil. “If anybody’s gonna be knockin’ ‘im about, it’s gonna be me.”</p><p><br/>“Dad, ya need to calm down,” Ben pleaded.</p><p><br/>“Calm down,” exploded Phil. “I ‘ave to lie next to ‘er at night, moanin’ and groanin’ with somebody else’s baby inside ‘er. And you’re tellin’ me to calm down.” Ben was losing hope that he could win the day. He didn’t want anybody to be murdered and needed to get Phil to accept a lesser punishment.</p><p><br/>“I get it, Dad, but it would lead straight back to you. And the Old Bill, they would love to get you. They’ll make sure you go down for a very long time. If we’re gonna do this, we’ve gotta be water tight, alibis the lot.”</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                    +++</p><p><br/>Callum watched Ben nursing his coffee, observing his troubled frown and the way he was tearing the skin around his fingers. Ben had been preoccupied for a couple of days now. Callum didn’t want to badger him and thought that Ben would tell him about whatever it was when he was ready. He trusted Ben. Ben saw Callum scrutinising him and gave him a pale smile.</p><p><br/>“What’s the matter Ben?” Callum cupped Ben’s cheek with his huge hand. “And don’t say it’s noffin’. You were kickin’ me all night.” Ben did not want Callum involved in this business with his dad but he didn’t want to lie, well not completely.</p><p><br/>“It’s my dad,” he muttered.</p><p><br/>“What about him?” asked Callum gently, aware that Ben’s relationship with Phil was complicated and highly dysfunctional, but Ben craved acceptance from his dad. Ben had once described Callum’s dad, Jonno, as just somebody who had got his mum pregnant. Jonno had no redeeming qualities and was definitely a worse character than Phil, but Callum privately thought Ben should heed his own advice and care less.</p><p><br/>“Someone’s crossed him. Made him look a right mug,” Ben continued.</p><p><br/>“What and they’re still breathin’?” Callum quipped, wanting to convey to Ben that he wasn’t phased by the kind of a person Phil was.</p><p><br/>“Exactly,” Ben mumbled, chewing at his fingers. “I’m worried this one might come back to bite ‘im though.”</p><p><br/>“Listen,” supported Callum. “You an ‘im are on great terms. Jay was only tellin’ me yesterday it’s the best it’s ever been. If anyone can change his mind, it’s you.” Ben nodded. There was the lie. There was no way he was going to be able to persuade Phil to leave Keanu and Sharon alone.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                 +++</p><p><br/>Phil was steadily unravelling. His dreams were shattered and his anger was solidifying. He had been looking forward, imagining his house full of laughter and love. He had three great kids and was looking forward to having another one. He had been planning to be a strong dad. There would be none of the turmoil that Ben and Louise had suffered. He was going to make sure that none of his kids or his grandkids ever suffered again. He loved Sharon. She was, and always had been, the one for him. Just days earlier, he had felt real happiness at the prospect of this future and had realised that this was the first time in his life that he felt this way. Now his blood started to boil as he thought about what Sharon had destroyed. He was seething at Keanu, of course he was, but he was filled with rage at Sharon.</p><p><br/>Ben was keeping an eye on Phil, popping into the house whenever he had a spare moment. He knew he had to get control of his dad before he did something reckless. On this occasion, when he arrived, Phil was sitting at the dining table, his thoughts obviously festering as he held a photograph of him and Sharon. Ben sat down next to him and grasped his forearm.</p><p><br/>“She’s ruined everything,” Phil spat, his tone conveying a vicious mood. Ben was alarmed to see that his dad had been crying. Phil would see that as a weakness and Ben knew that there were few things Phil hated more than to show weakness. Crying would make him aggressive and vengeful and determined to demonstrate his strength in the only way he knew. Ben was desperate to regain control of the situation to make sure nobody was seriously hurt.</p><p><br/>“Come on Dad, we can humiliate ‘er, we can make ‘er pay but all above board, yeah?” Phil said nothing. His eyes glinted dangerously as he flung the photograph at the wall. The shards of glass scattered across the floor and the frame broke in two, tearing the photograph. “I’ve got this, Dad,” said Ben attempting to be a reassuring tough guy but recognising the contradiction in terms. He grasped his dad’s arm again, harder this time to get through to him. “The less you know the better. We agreed. We ain’t gonna lose our heads. We’re gonna do it right.”</p><p><br/>“Right?” mocked Phil, rolling his eyes. “I don’t care any more. I just want ‘em to suffer. I want ‘em dead.” Ben’s heart skipped a beat. This was not what he wanted.<br/>“This ain’t like you Dad. Nobody needs to die.”</p><p><br/>“What?” barked Phil. “ Her and some scumbag have been takin’ me for a mug and I ain’t gonna let them get away with it? That sounds exactly like me.” He looked at Ben scornfully. “You just don’t get it, do ya?”</p><p><br/>“Of course I get it, but you are not thinkin’ straight. You need to be as far away from this as possible. Let someone else get their ‘ands dirty.”</p><p><br/>“I can’t do that!” shouted Phil. At his dad’s refusal to see sense, and knowing they were running out of time, Ben’s patience snapped.</p><p><br/>“No course you can’t. ‘Cause you’re the great Phil Mitchell. It’s all about you,” Ben hissed, angrily jabbing his finger at his dad. “Well what about us? ‘Ave you thought about yer family?”</p><p><br/>“Family? Now you’re all about family just ‘cause you got yerself all sorted out,” accused Phil, reaching into the sideboard.</p><p><br/>“If I can’t stop you …” Ben started to speak and then froze, appalled, as Phil pulled out a bottle of vodka. “You have gotta be jokin!” he exclaimed.</p><p><br/>“Sharon thinks I don’t know her little hiding places,” smirked Phil, eyes fixed on the bottle. Ben suddenly saw red. He could not allow this to happen. He grabbed the vodka, striding into the kitchen. Phil followed, calling his name repeatedly. Slamming the bottle down by the sink, Ben turned furiously to his dad.</p><p><br/>“No, no! You are NOT doing this,” he declared, pointing angrily at the bottle.</p><p><br/>“Listen to me, alright,” threatened Phil, his eyes bright with intent. “I either kill someone for this or I climb inside that bottle. Now d’ya wanna make that choice? ‘Cause I’m fine with both.”</p><p><br/>“Sharon isn’t everything,” cried Ben, begging his dad to remember his whole family.</p><p><br/>“Oh ain’t she? My mum’s dead, Grant ain’t coming back, my sister, well, who knows where she is. Who else I got?”</p><p><br/>“You’ve got me Dad,” screamed Ben, deeply hurt. “You’ve got Louise, Denny, Lexi, Peggy.”</p><p><br/>“Ben this ain’t about you. I can’t let her get away with this. I won’t. I can’t.” Phil reached past Ben to pick up the bottle. “I need somethin’ to take the edge off.” Ben blocked his path.</p><p><br/>“That is enough!” he shouted, as Phil pushed past. He pulled his dad away, swinging back his arm to knock him out if necessary. Phil saw the fist and scoffed,</p><p><br/>“Call yerself a man do ya? Call yerself a Mitchell and ya won’t even stand by me?”</p><p><br/>“I’m on your side, Dad,” implored Ben.</p><p><br/>“Yeah? If you were, you’d be helpin’ me. But nah, you’ve got yer own ‘ouse in order so ya can just forget about yer old man.” Ben was staggered at his dad’s self-centredness. Would his dad ever be genuinely pleased for him and put Ben’s happiness first? He caught himself with a reminder that this was not the time for worrying about how much his dad didn’t love him.</p><p><br/>“I wouldn’t be stoppin’ ya if I didn’t care Dad.” Ben looked at the broken man in front of him, clutching a vodka bottle like it was life support. He was furious at Sharon for doing this to Phil. Phil was right. She had ruined everything.</p><p><br/>“And then what Ben?” Phil’s voice broke in anguish. Ben was dismayed to see his dad’s eyes well up again. “What am I supposed to do then? I’ll tell you what, Ben, I’ll tell you what. Your decision, yeah, your decision … because my ‘ead is all over the place. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t think straight but I do know this. I either kill someone … or I kill myself.” He held up the vodka, his hands shaking. “With this.” Phil was utterly destroyed and Ben felt a part of himself break as he watched. “I can’t … I can’t just do nothing.” Phil turned the cap, breaking the seal, stopped by Ben’s hand over his as he lifted it towards his mouth.</p><p><br/>“Fine,” Ben whispered, devastated. “Fine. We’ll do it your way. However you want to play it, I’m in. But you put that down. Right now!” As he moved Phil’s hand towards the table to put the bottle down, he could feel his dad’s pain. Ben would have done anything in that moment to make his dad feel better, to slaughter his demons.</p><p><br/>“We will make them suffer. We will bury them Dad. I promise.”</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. A safe place to be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was Christmas Eve and Callum had locked up the funeral parlour a little early. He was making sure he had everything ready for Christmas morning at the Beales. After sampling Callum’s eggs florentine, Ian had agreed to him making Christmas Day breakfast.</p><p><br/>“It will be your own hollandaise, from scratch,” he had instructed bossily. Callum was not intimidated.</p><p><br/>“No, Ian. I wanna spend time with everybody. The hollandaise is coming from a jar.” Callum had ignored Ian’s grimace and continued, “I’m thinking of adding smoked salmon.” Ian’s face had fallen as though Callum had suggested adding earthworms.</p><p><br/>“Then it isn’t eggs florentine!”</p><p><br/>“Yes Ian it is,” Callum had replied patiently. “It’s eggs florentine with salmon.” Ian had wrinkled his nose but Callum could see that he was going to allow another cook in his kitchen.</p><p><br/>Callum was buzzing with anticipation. He was going to be spending Christmas morning with Ben, Jay, Lola, Lexi – his family, he thought happily, before being abruptly disturbed from his daydream by Stuart who appeared in the doorway to his bedroom.</p><p><br/>“You will be back for lunch tomorrow?” his brother sulked. “We’ll have a family Christmas, just the four of us: you, me, Rainie and baby Abi.” Callum was very irritated at Stuart for excluding Ben but Ben had been dismissive about it.</p><p><br/>“You’re lucky to miss lunch at ours,” he’d said. “Ian is a right royal pain in the arse about Christmas lunch. Bobby and me, we’re thinkin’ of sneakin’ off to the restaurant an’ ‘avin’ a burger. Mum has invited the Slaters round - fuck knows why – so we won’t be missed.” Ben didn’t mention the Christmas meal at his dad’s house. Callum clearly wasn’t invited to that. Ben hadn’t talked any more about the problem with his dad but something was wrong. Ben had been sleeping fitfully and when Callum talked to him, he was distracted. But more than anything, he looked sad and Callum hated to see it. He knew they needed to have a proper conversation but there just hadn’t been time. This week had been one thing after the other, with lots of good Christmas activities but it had been very busy.</p><p><br/>Callum assured Stuart he would be back for lunch the next day, grabbed his bag, left the flat and set off towards the square. It was already getting dark so the lights were on, creating a sparkling Christmassy atmosphere. There were carol singers near The Vic and people were happily hurrying home. Callum soaked it all in, boosting his good mood. He was excited about this Christmas and his beautiful smile spread across his face as he walked. Striding through the garden, he spotted Ben near the big Christmas tree talking to Martin, and headed over to see them. As he got closer, he could see that the conversation between them was furtive. What was going on now? Martin saw him approaching and nudged Ben.</p><p><br/>“Babe!” greeted Ben enthusiastically, wrapping his arms around Callum’s waist. “Blimey, what’s in there?” He tapped Callum’s backpack. “Looks heavy!”</p><p><br/>“It’s a surprise, so no peeking,” teased Callum. “Happy Christmas Martin,” he said, turning to the other man. He was a little bothered to see Martin frowning as he turned, then switching to a smile that didn’t look genuine.</p><p><br/>“You too mate,” said Martin, squeezing Callum on the arm as he took his leave. “Later Ben,” he called as he walked away.</p><p><br/>“That looked …” Callum wasn’t sure of the right word; he didn’t want to push Ben, not today. “… serious?”</p><p><br/>“Yeah, Martin’s gonna help me with that thing for my dad,” explained Ben.</p><p><br/>“I would’ve helped ya,” Callum wrapped his arms around Ben’s shoulders, as Ben leant against his chest. “You can lean on me, y’know,” he laughed. Ben relaxed into the hug.</p><p><br/>“You’re everything good in my life, Callum. I don’t want you in the Mitchell madness. I won’t ‘ave a safe place to be if I do.” It was a good explanation. Callum couldn’t quite put his finger on what he didn’t like about it. “However,” and Ben looked up at Callum carefully, “you have got to put up with both sides tonight. Mum has invited Dad, Sharon, Denny, Louise, Keanu and Peggy over for a party. It’s our fault, really. She wants to show off her excellent son and his steady boyfriend.” Ben saw Callum’s face light up endearingly. “It could be carnage,” he warned.</p><p><br/>They wandered slowly through the garden, holding hands and stealing soft kisses. Arriving at the Beales, Callum slowed down. Ben turned to him.</p><p><br/>“Ready?” he asked.</p><p><br/>“I’ve never been to a family party,” said Callum. Ben whistled softly. He knew a lot about Callum’s background, but every now and then Callum would tell him something like this that was completely unexpected.</p><p><br/>“Wow! Baptism of fire then. You’ll ace it, babe.” And he pulled Callum through the gate.</p><p><br/>Kathy had surpassed herself with an impressive spread of canapes and cocktails. There was Christmas music in the background and the only lights were fairy lights. Callum thought it was perfect.</p><p><br/>“Here they are,” she squealed as Ben and Callum walked in. “Callum, I’m so glad you’re here.” She gave Callum a big hug and a kiss on the lips and he realised she had been sampling her cocktails. “Ben I can do without,” she giggled, “but you are welcome any time.”</p><p><br/>“Thank you mother,” remarked Ben snarkily, as he took Callum’s bag, opening it up as he went. Callum swiftly took it back, giving Ben a warning look and a smile.</p><p><br/>“There’s things in there that need to go in the kitchen.” Callum quickly stowed his food stuffs, made sure Ben’s gift was hidden underneath his clothes and handed the bag back to his nosey boyfriend. “Now you can take it upstairs,” he laughed.</p><p><br/>It was a lively party. Kathy was sozzled and made a fun host. She had Santa hats for everybody but was so drunk that whenever she tried to put the hats on various people, she missed their heads. It became a bit of a game as everybody took to moving their head at the last second to tease her. Sharon told an amusing story about waiting for a lift in a hotel in the summer and, when it opened, a bunch of lads spilled out, all wearing Santa hats. Callum liked Sharon; she was always friendly. She adored her son Denny. Callum recognised the blinkers but admired the amount of love she was able to show. Denny was sneaking cocktails, giving Callum a cheeky wink when he saw that he had been spotted. Callum spent a bit of time with Bobby, checking that he was doing better. Bobby thought Callum was amazing. He could see his Uncle Ben’s happiness around Callum and it gave him hope that one day he might find love himself. He also liked the way Callum had a part amused, part indulgent look whenever he dealt with Ian. Bobby loved his dad but was aware that he was a berk; most people were short with him but Callum managed to be nice. Callum noticed that Ben stuck close to Phil, who was in a foul mood. Sharon advised him to ignore Phil when she saw him watching Ben and his dad. She said Phil was a living Scrooge. But Callum could see that Ben was being careful to keep Phil calm and, from what he could see, the problem was something to do with Keanu. Keanu got almost as drunk as Denny on the cocktails. He seemed a bit on edge. Louise looked tired but was doing her best to keep a smile going. Peggy was passed around giving Louise a break and Callum found himself cradling the gorgeous baby. She smelt delicious and Callum had to stop himself from burying his nose in her downy hair. Kathy sidled up and admired his skills, telling him he was a natural and asking him if he wanted kids. Ben told her to leave Callum alone and everybody laughed at his embarrassment. Lexi insisted he put Peggy down and carry her around instead. She was exhausted and fell asleep in Callum’s arms as Lola and Jay ribbed him about being ‘a natural’. It was everything Callum had imagined a warm family party might be and he loved it.</p><p><br/>Ben was highly stressed. His dad was on a knife edge and Ben needed to get him through this evening without incident. He watched Callum smiling and enjoying himself. Ben silently cursed his dad, Sharon and Keanu. He knew previous Christmases for Callum had mostly been lonely affairs. As they arrived that evening, Callum’s confession that he had never been to a family gathering like this had made Ben determined that this would not be spoiled for him. This evening could be perfect, thought Ben, a wonderful gift to Callum. Ben wanted so much to be able to give that to him. Just as he was starting to think all might be fine, his fears were realised. Kathy tried to put a Santa hat on Keanu, prompting him to tell his story: he had been in a hotel last year, in the middle of summer, where there was a stag full of blokes wearing Santa hats. Everybody was confused. That was the same as Sharon’s story, wasn’t it? Ben spotted instantly that Phil was not confused, and as his dad got up to launch himself at Keanu, Ben bundled him out of the front door.</p><p><br/>“What are you thinking?” hissed Ben through gritted teeth, settling Phil against the wall outside. “This is not how we’re gonna do this.” Phil eyes were bulging with fury and his skin had turned bright red.</p><p><br/>“I’m goin’ mad ‘ere,” he raged. Ben held Phil’s shoulders and made solid eye contact. “YOU,” he emphasised, pausing to make sure he had Phil’s attention. “YOU are goin’ to leave Keanu to me. YOU are gonna to lay it out for Sharon in the morning but NOT before I ‘ave had time to deal with Keanu. You have GOT to stick to the plan Dad.” Phil’s breathing had slowed down and his skin colour had cooled. He looked at Ben and nodded. Ben looked across at the square, at the perfect Christmas scene, the pretty lights twinkling and the sound of happy chatter spilling out from the pub. Why couldn’t he have the fairy tale? He looked back at his dad. Ben was suddenly overwhelmed with sorrow for him as he remembered Phil talking about his hopes for his future and his optimism about the new baby. Nobody deserved what Phil was going through. He put his arm round his dad and gave him a squeeze.</p><p><br/>“Right, let’s get back in there,” he said and led Phil back into the house.</p><p>The party was wrapping up and Ben was able to sneak Phil back in unnoticed as coats and baby paraphernalia were being collected. Callum saw them come back in and raised his eyebrows questioningly across the room at Ben. Ben offered him a sad smile. He was desperate to share his problem with Callum but believed that if he did that, it would be for his own sake, not for Callum’s. If he put Callum’s needs first, he would give him a wonderful Christmas. Ben knew honesty was important to Callum, and he was going to be honest with him, he was; he just didn’t want to spoil Callum’s Christmas.</p><p><br/>When they retired to bed, Callum wanted some answers.</p><p><br/>“What was all that about with yer dad, Ben?” Ben had anticipated that Callum would have questions.</p><p><br/>“This isn’t the conversation I want to have with you,” he said, lying down on the bed next to Callum and stroking his arm. “I wanna talk about a happy Christmas. I want us to enjoy this night, our first Christmas together. Talkin’ about my dad will spoil that. Please Callum, I will tell you all about it … after Christmas.” Ben’s face was open and truthful and Callum relaxed. He also wanted to enjoy Christmas so yielded to Ben’s plea.</p><p><br/>“Remember we have honesty. We talk to each other.” He looked deep into Ben’s eyes and saw his worry. He wanted to know what was causing Ben this concern but knew he would have to work hard to get it out of him and the lovely warm mood they had right now would disappear. In that moment, he decided to give his boyfriend a temporary reprieve. “But yer dad can wait. I wanna talk about yer marvellous mother,” he said, smiling broadly at Ben.</p><p><br/>“Oh my god, she was off her face tonight,” laughed Ben. He tickled Callum’s ribs playfully. “She loves you. I don’t reckon she could think of a more perfect boyfriend for her favourite son.”</p><p><br/>“I am NOT goin’ out with Ian,” Callum joked. Ben rolled his eyes.</p><p><br/>“Oh haha.” He gazed lovingly at his hunk of a boyfriend. Although he had spent a lot of time watching over Phil during the party, he had spent the rest of his time watching Callum. Everybody loved him. He had noticed Bobby hanging on Callum’s every word. Bobby needed supporters and there was nobody better than Callum. His heart fluttered as he remembered watching Lexi fall asleep in Callum’s strong arms. She was completely relaxed with Callum; he was so good with her. He remembered Lexi’s face watching Callum with Peggy. “D’ya reckon Lex is jealous of Peggy?” he wondered.</p><p><br/>“Jealous is not the right way to describe it,” advised Callum. “She just needs reassurance that she’s still important. When I was Christmas shopping with Lola, we bought a present for Lexi to be from Peggy.”</p><p><br/>“Was that your idea?” Ben was touched by Callum’s warm wisdom and the care shown for Lexi at the same time as realising that he had not given this matter any thought at all. That wasn’t how he wanted to be. He needed to get his priorities in order. He loved his dad but he was not more important than Lexi and Callum.</p><p><br/>“Well, yeah, it’s just a small thing,” said Callum underplaying his part. “She’s a great kid.”</p><p><br/>“Ya know she’s gonna be in 'ere in less than five hours,” Ben warned. “Ya won’t be thinkin’ she’s so great then.” Callum’s heart leapt. He could not think of a better start to Christmas Day than an early wake up call from Lexi.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. The storm after the calm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Why would Martin be prepared to kill somebody in return for Ben breaking up a van? I needed to make some sense of this. I also loved cold Louise and wanted to explore a tough side to her character. This chapter goes partway with these ideas.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Callum thought Christmas morning was wonderful. Everybody devoured his breakfast and Ben had bought champagne to go with the meal. Callum was very touched that Ben had wanted his meal to be as special as possible.</p><p><br/>“It’s traditional to have Bucks Fizz on Christmas Day,” Ian bossed, as he took charge of the champagne.</p><p><br/>“I like mine half and half,” said Kathy, “I think it tastes nicer.”</p><p><br/>“But then it’s not Bucks Fizz, it’s a mimosa,” Ian wittered, and a good-natured argument ensued about the difference. Callum could see that with a restaurant, a chippy, a café and a bar between them, the Beales were going to have opinions about food. He had been a chef in the army so was easily able to hold his own even though this kind of family chatter was completely new to him.</p><p><br/>After breakfast, they opened gifts. Lexi had a ridiculous amount of presents, mainly from Ben.</p><p><br/>“You gotta be careful,” warned Lola. “She’s in danger of being spoiled.” Ben wasn’t worried; he knew that every gift had been chosen thoughtfully. He was, however, unsure about his gift for Callum. He knew Callum liked his music so had bought him a subscription to NME. It now felt a little impersonal especially when he unwrapped his own gift from Callum. Callum had wrapped all of his gifts beautifully with ribbons, in stark contrast to Ben’s which looked like they had been wrapped by a two year old, and Ben could see that a special effort had been made with his. The wallet was perfect. Ben rubbed his thumbs over the leather and felt as though he could feel Callum’s love. Callum was never going to get that from a magazine.</p><p><br/>They played games, ate too much chocolate and laughed a lot. It was a perfect morning and Callum was sad to leave. Ben saw him off, holding him tight at the kitchen door.</p><p><br/>“I’ll see ya later,” Callum promised, prising Ben’s arms away. Ben looked at him as though he was about to say something and then closed his mouth. He was troubled.</p><p><br/>“Ben,” Callum clasped his boyfriend’s head, his big hands cradling it gently, “what is it?”</p><p><br/>“I’m gonna tell you later, yeah,” whispered Ben. His eyes pleaded with Callum not to ask any more questions. Callum kissed him deeply.</p><p><br/>“Okay.”<br/>                                                                                                                             </p><p>                                                                                                                                 +++</p><p><br/>Louise shoved clothes into cases, thinking over the traumatic conversations she’d had with Keanu. He had begged and pleaded, promised to be a loyal husband, a wonderful father for Peggy. She believed him but then her mind would return to Sharon. What did Keanu even see in her? What did Sharon have that Louise didn’t? Sharon was thirty years older than Keanu. It was disgusting.</p><p><br/>Ben had told her that Phil was determined to have Keanu killed. Phil had a different plan to destroy Sharon but Keanu was dispensable. It was typical of Ben to understand that killing Keanu would affect Louise more than her dad and to make sure she had a say in it; Phil might have the brawn but Ben had the brains. Louise was angry with Keanu, disappointed and let down. She was supposed to have her happy ever after and now, because of him, it would never be that. She was furious enough to murder him herself. But did she want her daughter to be fatherless? Yes. And no.</p><p><br/>Eventually, exhausted with crying and shouting, she had agreed with Keanu: they needed to get away. Christmas morning was perfect as nobody was expecting to see them until lunchtime giving them plenty of time to make their escape. Keanu stuck his head around the door.</p><p><br/>“We’ve got to hurry up Lou. Anything we’ve forgotten, yer mum can send on. When we’re settled.” He saw Louise’s tears and tentatively touched her shoulder. “This is not the Christmas that I’d planned,” he murmured sadly. Louise flinched slightly. She had not quite forgiven her fiancé even if he was Peggy’s dad.</p><p><br/>“You’re the father of my child,” she said. “I’m not ‘avin’ anythin’ ‘appen to you.” She zipped up the last case and turned to face him. “Let’s go.”</p><p><br/>The plan was to get a car from The Arches, but all the keys had been locked in the safe. Keanu had not anticipated this and was beginning to panic. Louise jigged Peggy as Keanu frantically searched.</p><p><br/>“What about the van?” she suggested. “Aren’t the keys for that somewhere in the rear wheel arch?” Keanu breathed again. Yes, they could take the van.<br/>Climbing into the van, Keanu looked across at Louise. Something was wrong.</p><p><br/>“You ‘avin’ second thoughts,” he checked anxiously. Generally, he was not good at picking up Louise’s signals but even he could tell that her mood had shifted.</p><p><br/>“Not at all,” said Louise, quietly and coldly, not looking at him.</p><p><br/>“I told you,” Keanu was feeling increasingly apprehensive. He needed Louise to be with him. “I am so so sorry.” Louise hated his whining and grovelling. She hated him. Turning to face him, she struck him with her icy, furious words.</p><p><br/>“You were right. My dad WILL kill you.” Her eyes flashed with pure anger. “Never … ever … take a Mitchell for a fool.” Without warning, the driver’s door opened and Martin grabbed Keanu, placing a cloth over his mouth and nose. As Keanu struggled, his eyes filled with tears as he saw Louise get out of the van. She didn’t look back at him, staring instead at Martin. Martin saw her stern, hard eyes looking at him and realised something: Ben might struggle to muster the Mitchell ruthless streak but Louise did not. She walked away not looking back.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                            +++</p><p><br/>Sharon had gone to a lot of trouble with her Christmas table. Special sparkly napkins and luxury crackers sat on top of the best china with perfectly polished glasses and cutlery completing the set.</p><p><br/>“Where is everybody?” she asked Phil as he entered the room, closing one door behind him and walking slowly round to the other door to close that as well.</p><p><br/>“Gone to the pub,” he said. Sharon spun round surprised but then immediately recognised the signs. Phil was angry. She watched him warily.</p><p><br/>“Worth it, was he? Keano Taylor?” he hissed.</p><p><br/>“What’ s this? Ben stirring it again?” she tried desperately. “Is this still about the will and you leavin’ his share to Keanu? If he thinks he can ruin Christmas ….”</p><p><br/>“Don’t!” screamed Phil. Sharon knew the game was up but she was nothing if not a fighter.</p><p><br/>“You were ignoring me!” she shot back at Phil. “You were never around!” Phil flung a chair across the table, smashing the shiny glasses.</p><p><br/>“You are not, not, putting this on me,” he roared, incandescent. “Not! D’you understand me?” Sharon was a strong, proud woman and she would not take this submissively. Phil was going to hear exactly why she had found herself in Keanu’s arms.</p><p><br/>“He made me feel wanted,” she spat. “Sexy! He made me feel like a woman.” All the years of frustrations with Phil were channelled into her words. “Everything we’ve been through. Your drinking. The operation. Sometimes I felt like a carer.” She saw her cruel words slice Phil but continued regardless. She had to hit him hard. “I don’t wanna feel like a carer. I wanna feel like a wife.”</p><p><br/>“So what? You just throw yourself at the first pretty boy who walks through the door? Look at ya,” sneered Phil, casting his eyes over her. Sharon reared up.</p><p><br/>“Yes,” she said, her head held high. “Look at me. Turned fifty, bleaching the grey. But he didn’t see that. He made me feel alive.” Her eyes flashed at the memory. Phil watched her defiance and his heartbreak broke through the fury.</p><p><br/>“You don’t even regret it, do ya?” he said dejectedly.</p><p><br/>“He paid attention. He was kind.” Sharon twisted the knife. “I told ‘im nothing could happen. And then you went to Spain. Just like that, for two months, acting the big man and throwing your weight around. I was lonely. And he was here.” Sharon saw the tears in Phil’s eyes and wondered if she could salvage something. “We’d split before him and Louise even noticed each other. I went to Australia to clear my head.”</p><p><br/>“And when you got back, they was together, wasn’t they?” remembered Phil.</p><p><br/>“I chose you Phil,” her eyes beseeching Phil to believe her. “I will always choose you.” Phil stared at her wanting it to be true. “I didn’t want his baby. I didn’t want any baby. But when I thought it could be yours, when I saw how happy you were ,,,“ Phil blinked back the tears, struggling to keep the unbearable sadness at bay.</p><p><br/>“But it weren’t mine, Sharon, was it? It weren’t mine.” His anguish screamed at her. He was openly crying and Sharon couldn’t help but join him. “I thought I meant sommin’. I thought that we meant sommin’,” he wept.</p><p><br/>“We’ve been here before,” she pleaded. “With Grant, Kathy, Shirley, Jack. But me an’ you, we go round in circles, but we always, always come back to us.”</p><p><br/>“I love you,” sobbed Phil, “and only you. I ain’t got my brother, I ain’t got my mum, if I ain’t got you …” he broke off, the loss impossible to contemplate.</p><p><br/>“It was a mistake,” Sharon begged. “A stupid mistake. Phil we can get through this.” But Phil was already getting himself together.</p><p><br/>“Sharon I can’t forgive ya.” His voice was controlled. The tears had stopped. “Did ya really think I’d take ya back? I’ve changed my will. I’ve started divorce proceedings. You ain’t getting’ noffin. That secret little account, the one ya bought the villa wiv. Noffin’! It’s gone.”</p><p><br/>“You’d do that to Denny?” Sharon accused, recognising the need to get back in fight mode.</p><p><br/>“What’ya talkin’ about? I adopted him.” Phil played his ace. “I’ve got as much right to keep him as you ‘ave!”</p><p><br/>“You’d try to take my child away?” Sharon was horrified.</p><p><br/>“That’s what you’ve done to me.” Phil’s voice was low, laced with sorrow but exuding determination. Taking Denny was to be his revenge. “You’re dead to me Sharon, you an’ ‘im, both dead.”</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                             +++</p><p><br/>The rest of the Mitchell clan were already settled in the pub as Phil arrived, sharing their Christmas morning stories. Everybody could see immediately that Phil was in a dangerous mood. Nobody, except Ben, knew why until Sharon walked in. She strode confidently up to them, looking straight at her son.</p><p><br/>“Denny!”</p><p><br/>“You might wanna go,” Phil snarled at her. Everybody looked at him in confusion.</p><p><br/>“You don’t own this pub any more,” stated Sharon, head held high.</p><p><br/>“Unless you want everyone knowin’ your secret,” threatened Phil.</p><p><br/>“They’re gonna find out soon enough, Phil,” replied Sharon. She looked round at the family she had called her own. “I cheated on him,” nodding at Phil. “I’m ‘avin Keanu Taylor’s baby.” The shock at the table was palpable.</p><p><br/>“Why’s she sayin’ this?” Denny turned to Phil, seeking reassurance.</p><p><br/>“Because it’s true Denny.” Sharon looked at her son, hoping he would understand. “I’m not proud of it, but it’s true.” The pub was quiet, everybody listening to the unfolding drama. Sharon had been here before and she was not afraid. “So I made a mistake,” she called out, turning to face the rest of the pub. “Are ya tellin’ me no-one else has? Am I the only one who’s ever cheated?” People looked down at their drinks. Nobody was prepared to throw the first stone. Then Louise stood up and walked towards Sharon, her face filled with hatred. Sharon shrank back.</p><p><br/>“That it?” Phil spoke up. “Ya finished? It’s Christmas. I’m in my local havin’ a drink with my family. You,” Phil looked Sharon up and down disgustedly. “You should go.”</p><p><br/>“I ain’t goin’ ‘til I get what I came for. Come on Denny, we’re goin’.” Sharon jerked her head at Denny. Denny looked at Phil then at Ben, and turning back to his mum, said,</p><p><br/>“I ain’t going nowhere.” He looked at her coolly. “You’re a liar and a cheat. I’m stayin’ with Phil.”</p><p><br/>Phil regarded Sharon coolly, satisfied that she was now going to share his pain, and then turned back to his family, putting his arm around Denny.</p><p><br/>As the day wore on, Ben was finding the forced jollity hard to sustain. Lola had picked up on it and tapped her heart from across the table to show her solidarity and Jay had nodded, tapping his heart also. Ben spent a lot of time being envious of his dad’s love of Louise, but he had a sudden insight that he had other people to love him and Louise had no-one. He felt for Louise’s hand underneath the table and gave it a squeeze.</p><p><br/>“Don’t go thinkin’ I’m a weak link,” she muttered, glaring at him. “ ‘Cause I’m not!” Phil overheard the remark and raised his eyebrows, questioning Ben.</p><p><br/>“Not ‘ere,” mumbled Ben, nodding towards the bar, and speaking loudly, “Come on Dad, come an’ ‘elp me get the next round in.”</p><p><br/>At the bar, Phil, Louise and Ben were able to talk.</p><p><br/>“Louise wanted to ‘elp,” explained Ben. “She made sure Keanu was where we wanted ‘im. It would not have gone as smooth without ‘er.” He was worried that Phil would be angry that he had involved his sister but Phil merely nodded. Louise looked fearless and Ben found himself impressed with her poise. Suddenly, his phone buzzed in his pocket. Looking down at it, he could see a message from Martin. He looked up to see Phil and Louise waiting and announced, “It’s done!”</p><p><br/>“Good,” said Phil. He put his arms around his children. “You two are the only ones I can trust.” He smiled at them, picked up the tray of drinks and headed back to the table. Ben and Louise looked at each other and held the gaze. They were in this together.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                         +++</p><p><br/>Martin was sweating. Keanu was a big bloke and dragging him into the warehouse had been hard work. Martin had listened to Ben explaining the plan and had pointed out that it was not foolproof. Ben could see the flaws, but time was short and he couldn’t think of another way. Neither could Martin, so here he was, very nervous of the next step, never having fired a gun before. He glanced at Keanu who was tied, blindfolded, to a chair and was just coming round.</p><p><br/>“Who’s there?” Keanu croaked. Martin poured some water at Keanu’s mouth and removed the blindfold. Keanu looked around frantically, his eyes stopping on the gun in Martin’s hand. “Martin! What’re ya doin’? Why’re you doin’ the Mitchells’ dirty work?” he groaned, struggling with the cable ties around his wrists. Martin felt irritated that Keanu was not more scared.</p><p><br/>“Keanu Taylor. Total idiot. This is your life!” he announced theatrically, moving onto the story. “You have an affair with Phil Mitchell’s wife. You break it off. You decide that the next thing you should do is start a relationship with Phil Mitchell’s daughter. You get her pregnant. Then in a brief break from the daughter, you get back with the wife. You get her pregnant as well. So the pair of you decide to pass the baby off as Phil’s.” Keanu dropped his head. “Is any of that inaccurate, dumbass?” barked Martin.</p><p><br/>“I’m not denying that I’ve made mistakes,” stumbled Keanu. “An’, ya know sommin’, I get why Phil is upset.”</p><p><br/>“Oh, UPSET?” scoffed Martin. “Upset is not anywhere near a strong enough word to describe how Phil feels. Phil wants you DEAD!” He walked around Keanu, twirling the gun on his finger. For this plan to work, he needed Keanu to be terrified. “Now, Phil is gonna want proof.” He walked round to face Keanu and lifted his chin with the muzzle. “Proof that you’re dead,” he clarified as he watched Keanu’s eyes widen. “So, option one, and I gotta say that this is the most straightforward option … I kill you.” He let his words land and was relieved to see that Keanu was beginning to understand that this was serious. Or so he thought.</p><p><br/>“Come on, Martin,” said Keanu, apparently unconvinced, “you’re not a killer.” This was not what Martin wanted to hear. How was he going to frighten the man?</p><p><br/>“You’re right,” he agreed. “But, without wantin’ to go into details, you should know that I have got involved in some deep shit recently, and if I do this, I earn my pass. I am VERY motivated.” Keanu looked at him, less confident now.</p><p><br/>“Option two?” he queried tremulously.</p><p><br/>“Well now you should be worried,” warned Martin, “ ‘cause this is a Ben Mitchell plan and he does not have a great success rate. There’s a reason his dad does not involve him in the gangster shit.”</p><p><br/>“That’s crap and you know it,” muttered Keanu. “Ben knows exactly what Phil does.”</p><p><br/>“Missing the point, lover boy,” replied Martin, continuing to stroke Keanu’s face with the gun. “He might KNOW about it but he isn't trusted to DO it. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not afraid of a fight but he is plagued with a conscience. He can’t help himself. Louise on the other hand … well, I reckon you know, she is another matter.”</p><p><br/>“Just stop talkin’ will ya?” cried Keanu, suddenly tired of all the to and fro. “What is the Ben plan?”</p><p><br/>“Now you mustn’t misunderstand, Keanu. Louise IS minded to have you dead. The only thing she doesn’t want is her daughter to find out one day that her mummy had her daddy killed. It might destroy their relationship you understand. So Ben’s idea is that we make it look like I killed you, to keep Phil ‘appy, and then you leave and you never come back, to keep Louise ‘appy.”</p><p><br/>“Why would I do that?” Keanu failed to recognise that he wasn’t being given a choice. “My dad ‘as never been around and I ‘ave always promised myself that I would not do that to my kids. What would they tell Peggy if I leave and never see ‘er again?”</p><p><br/>“The truth!” said Martin harshly. “When’s she’s old enough, she’ll hear that story and know that her cheating scumbag dad did a runner.”</p><p><br/>“What about my mum? My family?” whined Keanu.</p><p><br/>“Same story. But we don’t want your mum raisin’ hell and going’ to the police. So you’re going to send her a message tellin’ ‘er straight that you’re a coward and you’ve done a runner.”</p><p><br/>“An’ what if I don’t? What if I tell her what’s really goin’ on?” Martin frowned, realising that Keanu was still not taking the situation seriously.</p><p><br/>“Okay, idiot brain, here’s the deal. I’ll use small words so that you don’t get lost,” he jibed. “Phil is expecting a proper hitman to be doing this job. A professional like that would be able to prove the job was done. D’ya think Phil knows that I’m ‘ere wiv ya? No he does not.” Matrin watched Keanu processing the information. “Ben has persuaded Phil to leave arrangements to him because he doesn’t want his dad to end up inside. Louise, well, I already explained that. Which is where I come in, as an UNprofessional hitman, one who’s prepared to fake your death. But it has to look like it was done and then you ‘ave to disappear. Because - make sure you’re listening, lover boy - if you reappear, Phil WILL order the hit himself and you WILL be properly dead.”</p><p><br/>Keanu had clearly understood as his shoulders were slumped and he was crying hard.</p><p><br/>“How’re ya gonna make it look like I’m dead?” he whispered. Martin steadied himself. This was the hard bit.</p><p><br/>“I’m gonna shoot ya.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Wreckage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben got back to Callum’s flat quite early on Christmas Day. He was tired of his family and all the drama and he wanted to be with Callum. They escaped to their bedroom for some privacy and Ben told his story. Callum was deeply shocked.</p><p><br/>“How d’ya know he hasn’t got septicemia and isn’t dead in a ditch somewhere? Where did you get a gun? Why would Martin do it? Where was it done? There’s gonna be evidence.” He pulled away from Ben in their bed and sat cross-legged with folded arms, his eyes burning fiercely. Ben felt judged.</p><p><br/>“You wanted honesty. This is what it sounds like,” he cautioned. He wished that Callum didn’t feel the need to know everything. He was finding it hard to envisage a time when there wouldn’t be something crooked in his life and he didn’t want to be engaged in an endless round of this kind of conversation. Be the man you are, he remembered from his mum. Well, it was not easy. “Ok, babe, there is more,” he said, thinking that he might as well get it all out. Callum swivelled round on his knees. His face was stony and Ben sighed inwardly. “One of your questions was about Martin and why ‘e would want to ‘elp. It’s ‘cause I’m gonna ‘elp ‘im send a message to Tubbs. When that’s done, it should all be over.” Ben suddenly felt wiped out. Tears were pricking his eyes but he was sick of crying. He curled into the foetal position laying with his back to Callum. Callum watched him sadly. He could see that Ben was trying to be a better man. He thought Ben made dubious decisions but, still, he could see the effort. He lay down to spoon Ben, knowing that he needed to offer some solace. Ben felt Callum surround him and breathed deeply, absorbing the comfort given. He kissed Callum’s hand, wondered about starting something more and promptly fell asleep.</p><p><br/>Callum held his boyfriend tight, soothing him when he was agitated in his sleep. He was having problems himself and was working hard to look after his own mental health. He had started going back to his therapist, something he hadn’t yet shared with Ben. Ben had enough on his plate. Callum didn’t recognise that he was making decisions on Ben’s behalf in exactly the way he objected to Ben doing for him.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                 +++</p><p><br/>Sharon moved into the Beales. She’d thought about going to The Vic as Linda Carter was her closest friend but knew that things were not well in the Carter household. Ian was her oldest friend and she knew he would take her in. Kathy and Lola were not happy but there was not a lot they could say as the house belonged to Ian.</p><p><br/>“Whilst you’re under my roof, keep your opinions to yourselves,” Ian warned them.</p><p><br/>“Yeah well,” replied Jay. “It’s not our opinions you gotta worry about. Does Ben know yet?” Sure enough, as soon as Ben heard, he was straight round there.</p><p><br/>“Is there sommin’ you want to discuss with me?” he asked menacingly as he walked into Ian’s kitchen.</p><p><br/>“You weren’t ‘ere,” replied Ian, hands placed belligerently on his hips.</p><p><br/>“You’ve ‘eard of one o’ these, ain’t ya?” asked Ben, waving his phone at his brother as Ian rolled his eyes. “You are my brother. How can you invite that … that tart to live under the same roof as me?” Ben exclaimed angrily.</p><p><br/>“Who do you think you are, marching in ‘ere, callin’ my friend that?” stormed Ian. Kathy ran into the kitchen, alerted by the raised voices.</p><p><br/>“You in on this too, mum?” accused Ben.</p><p><br/>“No of course not,” said Kathy. ”But if Ian insists …”</p><p><br/>“No!” yelled Ben. “Now you go up there and chuck her out,” he ordered. Ian folded his arms calmly and stared straight back at Ben.</p><p><br/>“No!” he stated determinedly. “It doesn’t matter what’s she’s done. She’s pregnant. She’s desperate and I am going to help her.”</p><p><br/>“If she stays,” Ben threatened through gritted teeth, “then I go. Lola and Lexi too.”</p><p><br/>“Ben!” protested Kathy but it was too late as both of her sons were resolute. Ian shrugged his shoulders to Ben and reaffirmed,</p><p><br/>“I am gonna help my friend.”</p><p><br/>“I’ll go an’ pack our stuff then.”</p><p><br/>So Ben, Lola and Lexi moved into the Mitchell house. Ben planned to spend most nights at Callum’s but knew it was inevitable that at some point Callum would be having breakfast with the mighty Phil. His heart sank at the prospect.</p><p><br/>Louise was struggling with Peggy and she didn’t know what to do most of the time. She missed her mum. Lisa had gone to Portugal to sort out the villa; Mel had left it to her in her will. Phil had agreed to let this go as long as the villa was in Louise’s name, so Lisa had gone to sort it out. She was coming back but Louise needed her now. She also missed Sharon. Lisa’s struggles with mental illness had meant that Sharon had been the stable mother figure in Louise’s life. Sharon had been so helpful with advice about what to do with a baby. Louise needed her but was in no mood to forgive her.</p><p><br/>Ben held Sharon responsible for his dad’s heartache and the fracture in their family. He had thought Sharon and Phil were solid; a highly loyal person himself, he couldn’t understand why Sharon would have done what she did. Ben’s relationship with Kathy was now good, but she had been absent for a long time until five years ago. It had taken Ben a while to forgive her. Sharon had been as strong a mother figure for Ben as for Louise, but he also wasn’t ready to forgive. He found himself stepping up to support Louise with Peggy, much to Lola’s amusement.</p><p><br/>“Get supernanny over there. Don’t know where ya got all them skills, all of a sudden,” she had teased.</p><p><br/>One night, he got Peggy off to sleep and came down to find Louise sitting at the kitchen table. Grabbing a bottle of vodka from his coat pocket, he poured some for each of them.</p><p><br/>“Mugs?” queried Louise. Ben shrugged. He wasn’t bothered how it was served. “Even though I hate Keanu,” said Louise sadly, “I still miss him.”</p><p><br/>“I know,” replied Ben gently. He knew how much he needed Callum’s support; he didn’t think he could have coped without it. He was trying to help but, in reality, Louise was on her own.</p><p><br/>“Do you feel bad about what we did?” Louise’s question betrayed her own feelings. Ben was with her; he had been worrying a lot about lying to Phil.</p><p><br/>“Well I ain’t exactly drinkin’ to celebrate what a wonderful person I am.” They sat quietly for a few moments. “He trusts us Lou,” said Ben, his voice low and anxious. “You’ve always had it but I ‘ave waited years for ‘im to believe in me. And now he trusts me, I’ve betrayed ‘im.” There was a barely perceptible shift in Louise’s body language but Ben felt it immediately.</p><p><br/>“You did what you did to save ‘im Ben,” she said firmly. “I did it to save me, so I wouldn’t ever have to tell Peggy that I killed her daddy. Dad wanted it for ‘imself; he wasn’t thinkin’ about anyone else. We’re selfish, Dad and me. But you, Ben, your heart.” She sighed. “It gets in the way.”</p><p><br/>“Kindness is a weakness, eh?” said Ben, raising his mug. Louise clinked her mug against his.</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” she smiled. It was a tough, resolute smile. “Ben,” she held his eyes, “you got me. An’ I got you.” Secrets have a way of making their way from the depths to the surface but Ben and Louise were both confident in each other - they were never going to reveal this one.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                           +++</p><p><br/>Despite Keanu’s message to her, Karen, his mum, went to the police and reported him missing, resulting in the police visiting the Mitchell house. Louise was ready for them.</p><p><br/>“I know for a fact he took his passport,” she told the officer.</p><p><br/>“So he confessed everything to you, and then you went to The Queen Victoria pub with your family,” clarified the police officer, writing quickly in her notebook.</p><p><br/>“Yeah,” confirmed Louise. “An’ then he ran off like the two-timing coward he is. It’s like I keep tellin’ people, I wish I did know where he was ‘cause I’d love for my dad to get ‘old of ‘im.”</p><p><br/>“So you’re looking for him?” questioned the officer.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, we put some feelers out,” said Ben. “What d’ya expect after what he done to my sister?”</p><p><br/>The police left after a few more questions.</p><p><br/>“What’s that about Karen gettin’ a text from Keanu?” demanded Phil as soon as they had gone.</p><p><br/>“I sent it,” said Louise. Ben looked at her in surprise. They had not rehearsed this. “Karen was never gonna accept that he’d just disappeared. So I sent her a message on Keanu’s phone, saying he was scared of you, Dad, he thought you would kill ‘im and so he was leavin’ and never comin’ back.” Phil was impressed.</p><p><br/>“Good thinkin’,” he growled. “Realistic. Good shout.” Shit, Louise was good at this, thought Ben.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                +++</p><p><br/>Callum was missing Ben. He knew Ben was supporting Louise and that the Mitchell house was packed so it wasn’t ideal for him to be there. Generally, Ben came over to Callum’s late and left early, but there had been several nights now where he had texted to say he was not coming over. They weren’t going out, they weren’t meeting for lunch or breakfast and their sex life had dwindled.</p><p><br/>He had tried to talk to Stuart about it but Stu had misunderstood.</p><p><br/>“I knew he’d do this. ‘E ain’t got a loyal bone in his body. ‘E’s probably stumbling in now from some skanky one night stand wivout one thought o’ ya. Nah mate, you’re well off out of it,” he’d ranted.</p><p><br/>“We ain’t split up Stu,” Callum had shouted, exasperated at his brother’s ability to always think the worst of Ben.</p><p><br/>Callum was confused about Ben not wanting him to stay at the Mitchell house. Bathroom and kitchen congestion had been Ben’s reason, but it seemed like an excuse to Callum. Ben had always kept him away from his dad’s house. Callum was confident that he could handle Phil but Ben avoided this discussion.</p><p><br/>Last night, Ben had arrived at Callum’s at one in the morning; it was obvious that he’d been drinking.</p><p><br/>“Babe, please skip the questions, please,” he had begged. Then he had fallen asleep in Callum’s arms without as much as a kiss. Callum was a generous person and he recognised that Ben was extremely troubled and just needed reassurance. There was no way he would have withheld that comfort. It didn’t stop him missing how they used to be and wondering if they were going to get back there.</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                               +++</p><p><br/>Phil lay in his bed missing Sharon. He hated her yet he missed her. He was so tired of life throwing him trouble. He had his kids and his grandkids in his house like he’d wanted. Why didn’t that cheer him up?</p><p><br/>He heard Ben let himself out, obviously heading over to Callum’s. Phil still wasn’t entirely comfortable about what Callum and Ben might be doing in bed. He didn’t like to think about it and, if Callum were staying here, in Phil’s house, he would probably be aware of it. He’d found it hard enough hearing Keanu and Louise. Perhaps it was best that Callum didn’t stay here. Phil never saw himself as a homophobe so he lacked the awareness to challenge this thought.</p><p><br/>Another thought did bother him. Ben had stepped up for Phil with Keanu and Phil could see how much time Ben spent looking after Peggy, making sure Louise was okay as well as keeping a watchful eye on Denny, playing FIFA with him (even though Ben hated football) and taking him to the café. He gave Lexi lots of time and worked hard at the car lot. Phil was proud of Ben for the way he put family first and his work ethic. But he could see Ben was neglecting Callum and that was not good. Phil had neglected Sharon; that’s why they were where they were. He resolved to talk to Ben to urge him not to make the same mistake.</p><p><br/>Louise always made him proud. She was so beautiful and strong. He wished his mum could have seen her grow up; she would have seen a chip off the old block in Louise. He wouldn’t have wished motherhood at eighteen years old for his daughter, but these were the cards that had been dealt and he knew Louise would be a wonderful mother, just like his mother had been. Comforting thoughts of his mum eventually led him to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Hanging on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Enough teasers about Callum’s illness. It’s about to get serious. I've done some research ... but not a medical degree. Apologies for any ignorance.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martin and Ben had become closer through their troubles. Martin had stopped objecting to Ben addressing him ‘mate’ and even used the term himself. They waved at each other across the square and had a pint together in The Vic. One morning, over a cup of tea in the café, they discussed the problem of Tubbs.</p><p><br/>“I spoke to him,” explained Ben, “and he told me that, as I was out of the game, I should keep out of his business. He wants to keep you on retainer.”</p><p><br/>“I thought you were mates,” puzzled Martin, although he wasn’t really surprised. Tubbs had said much the same to him.</p><p><br/>“Yeah but cops and robbers ain’t exactly bed fellas,” grumbled Ben, slurping his tea noisily. “I did threaten him, say you were on my dad’s payroll and all that. That bothered him a bit but he wasn’t budgin’.”</p><p><br/>“So Callum is still up for joining the police?” Martin privately enjoyed this little problem that Ben was experiencing and felt Ben deserved all the conflict that came with it.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, he’s put in for ‘is assessment. It’s next month.” Ben chewed his nail. “No self-respecting villain has anythin’ to do with Ben Mitchell, the cop lover,” he groused, taking another noisy slurp. “I know I owe ya’ Martin. I just need to think about it some more.” Martin inwardly groaned at the prospect of another convoluted Ben Mitchell plan and wondered if he could think of something first. He was deep in thought as Ben tapped his hand to get his attention. “Changin’ the subject, how would you feel about a triple date?” Martin looked at Ben in surprise.</p><p><br/>“What?” he asked, confused and amused.</p><p><br/>“Y’know, a double date when one couple goes out wiv another couple, so a triple … for fuck’s sake Martin, stop laughing. It was Callum’s idea.”</p><p><br/>“Okay,” laughed Martin, trying to keep a straight face. “You an’ Callum. Jay and Lola I assume. Me an’ … ?”</p><p><br/>“Ruby?” suggested Ben coyly. “Stop muckin’ about Martin. I know you’re seein ‘er.” Martin was suddenly serious.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, okay, that’s as maybe, but, Stacey doesn’t know and I want to hang on to my crown jewels.”</p><p><br/>“So Callum’s idea of a cosy dinner in would be perfect?” reasoned Ben, smiling at Martin.</p><p><br/>“You are full of surprises today, Ben. A dinner party?” Martin laughed again at Ben’s grumpy scowl.</p><p><br/>“You could just say no,” he sulked. “Ya don’t ‘ave to take the piss. An’ I didn’t say dinner party, I just said dinner.” He got up, buttoned up his coat and looked down at Martin. “Just so ya know … Rubes already said yes.”</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                +++</p><p><br/>Martin came up with a plan; it was a plan with some symmetry which he was sure would appeal to Ben. Years ago, Martin had held a very young, very terrified Ben Mitchell over the edge of the railway bridge. He wasn’t proud of it. He had been a thug but he knew he had changed since then, grown up, and that was all a person could do, after all. In Martin’s opinion, there was no point being ashamed unless you put things right and he thought that his plan gave him a chance to make amends as well as giving Ben the chance to get some revenge as it involved Ben dangling Martin off the same bridge.</p><p><br/>Ben had listened enthralled as Martin explained the plan.</p><p><br/>“Yes!” he had exclaimed afterwards. “But you’re not worried I might drop ya?”</p><p><br/>“Of course I am. Look at the size of ya,” Martin said rudely. “You need to organise a couple o’ heavyweights to do the danglin’.”</p><p><br/>“The problem’s gonna be my dad,” mused Ben.</p><p><br/>“Yeah well he’s your problem,” stated Martin baldly. “We need him to agree to this if it’s gonna work.”</p><p><br/>                                                                                                                                  +++</p><p><br/>Callum was delighted about the dinner. He wasn’t allowed to call it a dinner party; Ben forbade it.</p><p><br/>“I’m twenty-three not fifty-three,” he complained.</p><p><br/>“You’re always too tired to go out, or you’re late home, so it’s a way of us doin’ something that’s like goin’ out, but that isn’t actual goin’ out, thinkin’ of how you’re always tired an’ not wantin’ to go out …” Callum bent himself in two trying to explain without making Ben think that he was complaining.</p><p><br/>“Stop, okay, stop. I give in,” Ben protested, coming up to Callum and holding him around the waist. “It’ll be nice. Rubes and Martin, Jay and Lo, me and you. It’s a good idea, babe.” He looked at Callum thoughtfully. “My dad says I’ve been neglecting you,” he said quietly. Callum looked down at him, at eyes full of concern and care.</p><p><br/>“Your dad? What do YOU think?” Callum was frankly amazed that Phil had given Ben this insight but it was more important to him that Ben had the thought for himself. He was desperately unhappy with how things were between them and it hurt him deeply that Ben didn’t seem to have noticed. He saw it as a sign that Ben was pulling away from him. Ben led Callum to the settee, letting go of his hands before establishing his favourite feline position on Callum’s legs. Callum felt his breathing stop for a moment. He saw this action as Ben taking and him giving and wondered why they didn’t seem to have a balance. What about me? he thought. It felt like he was disappearing.</p><p><br/>“When you’re good like we are,” Ben started to explain, his voice confident and content, “and there are problems somewhere else, then ya might think that ya can focus on those problems, an’ everythin’ else will stay good.” Ben turned his shoulders to look up at Callum. Callum was squeezing his eyes and lips tight and pain furrowed his brow. Ben sprung up, full of concern. “Babe?” he asked, kneeling up to hold Callum’s face. “Babe?” Callum started to cry, noisy, convulsive sobs wracking his body. He sat forward in an attempt to breathe, hating that he was like this. Ben immediately sat on his lap, legs wrapped around him, holding him tightly. “What’s the matter?” he soothed, stroking Callum’s back and kissing the side of his head. “Come on, babe, talk to me.” But Callum couldn’t speak. Ben held on to him until his sobs subsided and his breathing calmed.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry,” Callum whispered. He hated that he had broken down like this. What was wrong with him? He was trying desperately to get his breath back, but there was banging in his head and he was so hot; he couldn’t regain control.</p><p><br/>“Sorry? It’s me who should be sorry.” Ben stroked Callum’s hair and kissed his damp eyes. “I know there is something goin’ on with ya Callum. But you’re so strong, ya seem so strong. I was waitin’ for ya to tell me.” Ben was aware that Callum didn’t seem to be paying attention, but he heard his own words and didn’t like what he was saying. He did not want to put this on Callum. He spoke softly into Callum’s ear. “I’m sorry babe, I stopped lookin’, I got wrapped up in all this other family stuff, an’ I didn’t notice it had got worse for you.” They held on to each other tightly, Callum’s breathing steadying slightly as he became more aware of Ben’s words. “I did neglect you, babe, an’ I’m sorry.” Ben willed all the love he had to pass from him to his precious boyfriend.</p><p>Then Callum spoke, tentatively, in a small, broken voice.</p><p><br/>“It started in the army. There was an IED. There were lots of IEDs but this one … soldiers died, civilians died … blood, body parts everywhere …” He paused, struggling to breathe again. He didn’t want to think about it but the images had taken root in his consciousness now. Ben had no idea what was the right thing to do, but as Callum was holding onto him tightly, he held him back. They sat for a few minutes, clamped together, before Callum carried on, still crying, still shaking. “I was holding his hand, a kid … cuts, blood on ‘im… and then his hand let go.” Tears flowed down his cheeks. “I held it, I kept holding it but …” The banging in his head was cacophonous and he felt like he was a small being inside his big body and if he could just get out and hide somewhere, maybe he could get away from the noise. Ben was wrapped around him, more scared than he had ever been. This was horribly painful for him and he could only imagine how much worse and unbearable it must be for Callum. He cursed his self-centredness and was truly sorry for having let Callum down. Callum started to talk again. “An’ now, when somethin’ is slippin’ away, or when I see injuries, or sometimes just when somebody lets go of my hand, I’m back there with that kid. When he died. Sometimes I can’t breathe. Sometimes everything closes in. There’s banging, lots of noise. Sometimes … I … it’s like a fit or something.” He seemed like he was smashed into tiny peices. Ben grasped Callum’s head and kissed his forehead. He was also crying and their tears merged as they pressed their cheeks together.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry, babe,” wept Ben. “Sorry you’ve had shit like that to go through, sorry you’ve had shit like me to go through.” They kept holding on, time ticking away. The room got darker as night fell but neither of them moved. Eventually Callum was silent, still holding on to Ben, but no longer crying. Ben pulled away slightly and looked at Callum, making sure his eyes were focused. “I’m gonna be there for ya, babe. I know you’re there for me. We’re gonna be there for each other, you got that?” Callum smiled. It was a shadow of his radiant beam of a smile but it was there. He nodded.</p><p><br/>“You and me,” he whispered.</p><p>                                                                                                                               +++</p><p><br/>“You did what?” shrieked Lola. The rest of the table stared at Ben, appalled, apart from Callum, who had already heard this story, and Martin who had been Ben’s partner in crime.</p><p><br/>“It’s karma,” explained Ben. “He did it to me when I was a kid. So we’re even now.”</p><p><br/>“Mate, these people are dangerous,” said Jay, disturbed by Ben and Martin’s nonchalance. “How can ya be sure that Tubbs is gonna fall for yer little show?”</p><p><br/>“We were VERY convincin’,” bragged Ben. “I was REALLY hard, proper tough guy, and Martin cried like a baby.” Martin pulled an exasperated face at Ben.</p><p><br/>“So, let me understand the plan,” said Ruby, half concerned, half amused. “Martin doesn’t want to be involved with Tubbs any more, so you make sure Tubbs is in the area so that he can see you pretend that Martin is working for your dad, who for some reason has got you cleaning up. Martin’s slipped up and you make a big show of how useless he is and punish him by hanging him from the bridge?”</p><p><br/>“Tubbs didn’t see the pretence. He thought it was real,” insisted Ben. “No-one can say that danglin’ someone off a bridge is soft!”</p><p><br/>“I have three questions.” Ruby looked sternly at Ben. “First, why will Tubbs care about Martin messin’ up your dad’s job?”</p><p><br/>“He won’t,” admitted Ben. “I was proving my dad’s ownership of Martin.” He flashed a winning smile at Martin, who curled his lip contemptuously. “Villain’s code,” Ben added, tapping his nose knowledgeably, making everybody snigger.</p><p><br/>“Okay, second question,” said Ruby, “You’re not supposed to be associated with yer dad on account of baby copper here.” She indicated Callum who acknowledged the appellation with a small bow.</p><p><br/>“Yes,” admitted Ben. “That was the technical aspect to the plan. I had to get my dad to play along. I gotta confess, I thought he’d laugh me out of town, but he thought the whole thing was quite funny and agreed. The story is he let me do it to pay Martin back for all those years ago, but I’m still a no-go with the business,” he smiled at Callum, “on account of baby copper ‘ere.” Callum rolled his eyes.</p><p><br/>“Right, third question,” Ruby turned sharply to Martin. “Are you a complete idiot?” Everybody burst out laughing. Ruby kissed Martin warmly. “You are a dick, y’know?” she admonished.</p><p><br/>The dinner not-a-party was a great success. Callum’s food was proclaimed to be delicious, everybody admired the way he had laid the table and there had been a lot of laughing. As they were having a final drink, Lola looked towards the kitchen.</p><p><br/>“Please don’t tell me that you ‘ave already cleared up Callum because, if you ‘ave, I will be insistin’ you come and live with me an’ Ben.” Callum didn’t dare admit that living with Ben, Lola and Lexi topped his list of favourite daydreams.</p><p><br/>“It’s bein’ in the army,” he explained. “You get used to washin’ and clearin’ as you go along.” Ben watched Callum’s eyes sparkling and his beautiful smile reach from ear to ear. He loved this man more than he could put into words. He looked around at these people, all connected to him: sort-of-brother, mother of his child, close friend, sort-of-cousin and lover. He loved them all and, in that moment, realised how fortunate he was.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Exciting news</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There are lots of bits of Whitney’s story that I wanted to change – you won’t hear any mention of a stalker - and I’m intrigued with building a friendship between Ben and Whitney.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben looked at his boyfriend from the warmth of their bed. Callum was getting ready for his run and Ben could see the results of his efforts in his leaner, stronger figure. Ben wasn’t predisposed to putting on weight, but under the duvet he pressed his soft tummy thoughtfully.</p><p>“I think I’ll join ya,” he announced, jumping out of bed and ignoring the groaning inside his head. Any resistance to the idea of exercise melted away as Callum grinned in delight.</p><p>“Yeah?” he smiled, grabbing Ben around the waist and pulling him in for a kiss.</p><p>The run was much longer than Ben had anticipated.</p><p>“Do you always go this far?” he moaned, barely able to talk.</p><p>“It’s 5k. Takes half an hour. ‘s not that far,” chatted Callum easily, running backwards for a bit so that he could look at Ben. “And you’re fine. You should be able to talk but not sing. Then you know you’re working hard enough but not too hard.” Ben loved to sing and briefly considered breaking into a tune, but quickly realised that if he did this he might pass out.</p><p>It was a work day for both of them, so the run was followed by speedy showers and, adhering to a recent habit of Callum’s, a cooked breakfast. Ben stared dubiously at his plate.</p><p>“Won’t this just replace all the calories we just burned off?” He pushed the food around the plate. It was eggs but not in any form he recognised. “Where’s the toast?” he queried, looking more closely at the meal. “Is that cabbage? And what’s this? And this?”</p><p>“Sweet potato. Feta. Eat it,” instructed Callum. “Drink your coffee. If you still want toast after that, have some.” Ben tucked in and soon decided that the egg dish was delicious even if he wasn’t sure why Callum had to call it some Spanish name. He didn’t need the toast.</p><p>Callum got huge pleasure from watching Ben enjoy his food, but the cooking of breakfast was something he did for himself. It provided a structure that helped him set himself up for the day. Chopping vegetables and stirring pots had become a necessary routine. He knew he needed to talk to Ben about the talking therapy and couldn’t pinpoint the reason he hadn’t done it already. He had mentioned this to his therapist, asking her advice, but of course she did that therapist thing of getting him to locate his own answers; he just hadn’t found them yet.</p><p>“What you up to today?” Ben looked at Callum attentively. He saw him deep in thought, a troubled frown settling on his face. Recently, he kept catching Callum looking as though he was about to tell him something and he was waiting for Callum to open up. Ben was a keen reader and he had been researching anxiety and PTSD. He thought Callum should get some professional help but wasn’t sure how best to bring it up.</p><p>“Oh, y’know, normal stuff. The parlour. You at the car lot with Jay?” Callum looked even more fed up. “I miss ‘im y’know. Stu’s alright, an’ Rainie, but I liked it more with Jay.”</p><p>“Why don’t you pick up some sandwiches from the café and bring them over at lunchtime? We can lock the door for ‘alf an hour an’ ‘ave a natter,” suggested Ben.</p><p>“Yeah,” said Callum, his frown lifting, “I’d like that.”</p><p>+++</p><p>
  <em>meet me in the vic 6pm exciting news</em>
</p><p>“Did you get a text from Ruby?” Callum asked Ben and Jay, reading his phone when it buzzed.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ben confirmed, glancing down at his own phone. “Sounds intriguing. She loves a bi’ o’ drama does Rubes.”</p><p>The three of them were talking cars and it was giving them all a much-needed bit of escapism. Ben and Jay liked big engines, growling motors and speed. They were unsure about the new market for hybrids but Callum was insistent that this was the way forward for their business. His idea was that people could have electric cars for their daily business and other cars for their hobbies.</p><p>“So you could have a fast motor and go to a racetrack or you could have a classic motor for a drive in the country,” he explained. “They would sound like proper cars, like you want, but ‘cause you’re only using ‘em at the weekend, it’s better for the planet.”</p><p>“It’s a thought,” nodded Jay. “We could have a sideline business for little MGs, Triumph Spitfires, that sort of thing.” Ben was not usually a daydreamer, but a vision of himself and Callum going for a drive in a classic two-seater convertible passed through his mind; he acknowledged that it felt good.</p><p>Callum was relaxed and happy. He drew his attention to his breathing and felt the regularity and the ease of it. He could feel Ben beside him; their breathing was in sync. Ben looked up at him with a content smile. Life was in balance and he mentally bottled the moment.</p><p>The rest of the day passed quickly for all of them and it was soon time to head to The Vic. Ben and Ruby arrived first.</p><p>“I need a bottle of champagne and glasses please Linda,” Ruby requested, her excitement bubbling over.</p><p>“Alright for some,” grumbled Linda, setting off to get the champagne from the cellar. She was clearly unsteady on her feet and Ruby glanced at Mick who was watching his wife wobble her way along the corridor with a devastated look on his face.</p><p>“I’ll go and get us a table.” Ben nudged Ruby, pointing to Whitney sitting by herself. Last year, Whitney would have been in the midst of this celebration, laughing and enjoying herself. Now, here she was forlornly sitting alone.</p><p>“Whit,” he greeted her as he sat down next to her. “Ruby’s got sommin’ to tell us all - ‘exciting news’.” He hooked his fingers in the air to indicate the quotation.</p><p>“Yeah,” said Whitney quietly, “she texted me.” She paused for a moment. “I don’t know if I’m in the mood for excitin’ news … or for watchin’ other people’s happiness.” She was looking at the bar as Callum and Jay turned up. Ben felt a pang of regret at her words. He liked Whitney and he hadn’t wanted to hurt her; he knew Callum was guilt-ridden at the hurt he’d caused. He grasped her hand so that she turned and made eye contact with him.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he murmured, searching her eyes. She looked so sad. “For everything.” Whitney looked at Ben, the man who couldn’t keep his hands to himself and had stolen her boyfriend. Could she forgive him? Did he need forgiving? She could see how much MORE Callum was with Ben than he had ever been with her. She loved Callum and wanted him to be happy … and he was happy with Ben.</p><p>“You’ve got a good guy in Callum,” she replied softly. “Look after him for me. Don’t mess it up.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he squeezed her hand again. “Me, I’m a careless fucker, leavin’ a trail of devastation wherever I go. It’s just that Callum, he has this need to fix what he’s broken.”</p><p>“I gotta fix myself Ben,” whispered Whitney. Ben slipped his arm around her and gently kissed her cheek.</p><p>“And you will Whit, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger an’ all that.” Whit could see everybody making their way over and hastily dabbed her eyes.</p><p>“How do I look?” she checked with Ben.</p><p>“You’re beautiful, Whit,” he smiled at her.</p><p>Callum’s first reaction seeing Ben and Whitney was alarm. Then he saw that Ben was being kind and gentle and Whitney was looking at him like she trusted him, so he relaxed. Before he sat down next to Ben, he reached over and greeted Whitney with a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“How are you, Whit?” he asked as he pulled away and sat down, giving Ben a quick peck as well.</p><p>“I’m okay Callum,” Whitney replied, actually feeling a little flustered by the feel of Callum’s stubble on her cheek and the smell of his cologne. Would she ever find somebody to love who was as perfect as Callum?</p><p>Linda brought over the champagne, Mick trailing in her wake with a tray of flutes. There was no way he was trusting Linda with a set of their best glassware.</p><p>“We don’t ‘ave a lot of this. Most people prefer prosecco nowadays,” Linda informed Ruby, as an experienced licensee to a new one.</p><p>“I don’t,” said Ruby, dismissing the advice a trifle snootily. “Anyway, this is part of my news.” She pointed at the bottle and asked Linda, “Did you take part in their promotion?” Linda frowned.</p><p>“I did not. Did you see how many cases they wanted you to commit to?”</p><p>“Well, I did,” continued Ruby, pouring the drinks and passing everybody a glass, including Linda. Mick was by her side in an instant, gently removing the glass from her grasp. “And I won first prize in the draw!” Linda looked crushed.</p><p>“You won the cruise,” she whispered hoarsely, “the champagne cruise?”</p><p>“Yes,” giggled Ruby, clinking glasses with her friends. “A champagne reception for 40 guests on the Thames.”</p><p>“I’m assuming we’re invited,” laughed Ben, intoxicated by Ruby’s upbeat mood. “When is it?”</p><p>“Valentines Day,” announced Ruby triumphantly. The table went quiet. Linda raised her eyebrows at Ruby.</p><p>“A WINTER cruise?” she smirked.</p><p>“February?” questioned Jay. “They’re ‘aving a laugh. Those cruises are bloody freezing in May. I bet they got it for free in February.</p><p>“Ungrateful!” replied Ruby, merrily quaffing her drink. “Shall I take you off the guest list then?” She looked round at the group of uncertain faces. “Oh come on you lot. It will be fun. We can go chalet chic. You can wear a lovely coat – if you haven’t got one, Ben has hundreds – and style it up with hats and scarves.” Ben widened his eyes in mock affront at Ruby’s reference to his coat habit.</p><p>“Well I’m in,” stated Linda. “All us Carters, we’ll be there.” Mick looked appalled and tried to pull Linda away.  </p><p>“Rubes hasn’t invited us L,” he muttered, getting his body weight behind his wife and encouraging her to walk away by pushing her forward.</p><p>“Of course you’re invited,” Ruby called out. “It’s going to be an outing for all of us in the square.”</p><p>“All yer posh friends refused to get out on the river in the winter, eh?” teased Jay.</p><p>The conversation continued in this vein but Ruby wasn’t ruffled. She knew it would be a good night out. Across the pub, she could see Martin sitting with his friend Kush. Kush was seeing another of the Slater women and did not know about Martin and Ruby. Martin had been curious at the champagne and the celebrating but not enough to come over. He couldn’t risk the Slaters finding out about him and Ruby. Although, she was tired of the subterfuge, Ruby felt something with Martin that was different somehow. He was an attentive lover and she was addicted to their physical relationship, but it was the way they just clicked that had caught her by surprise. Nonetheless, he was Stacey’s husband and Ruby frequently reminded herself about this. Stacey had moved in with her new fella and hardly ever came back to the square even to visit her mum; Ruby hadn’t heard from her in weeks. Despite this, Martin was terrified of Stacey finding out about him and Ruby. This had to mean he still hoped to reunite with his wife. Ruby pushed away the unpleasant thoughts and concentrated on her friends.</p><p>Within a couple of hours, Whitney and Ruby had drunk most of the champagne as the rest of the party switched to beer, and were absolutely sozzled.</p><p>“How are ya, Whit?” asked Ruby, snuggling into her friend’s side.</p><p>“I want Callum back,” stated Whitney plainly. Ruby sat up straight, casting a worried glance at Ben and Callum who fortunately weren’t listening.</p><p>“He’s gay. It’s not like he can just switch it off,” whispered Ruby, confused.</p><p>“Yeah, I know. I just don’t think I’m that bothered. I’d rather have him with no sex than not at all. He’s wonderful.” Whitney stared at Ruby belligerently, daring her to argue.</p><p>“But HE’S bothered Whit. You can see how he is with Ben. What d’ya think of that?” Whitney looked across at Ben and Callum chatting with Jay, but still rubbing each other’s legs and sitting moulded to  each other. She remembered how Callum had hated to sit close to her and certainly had never rubbed her leg under the table. As she was watching, she caught a little look between them. She had noticed this about them before. Everywhere they went, there were soft little looks; they were so tightly connected. It was like an epic love story. The best part of her was happy for Callum and, if she was honest, for Ben too. Ben was like her, abused as a child, followed by a tragic love life. Seeing Ben like this gave her hope. However, the worst part of her was eaten up with jealousy. Why did Ben get his happy ending and not her? She reached for more champagne.</p><p>“Can either of you two walk in a straight line?” laughed Ben, as Whitney and Ruby both gripped their chairs as they stood up. They had been drinking steadily for over five hours. Jay had left earlier to keep Lola company as she was home with Lexi, so Ben decided that he and Callum should take Ruby and Whitney home.</p><p>“We’ll make sure you get home,” he told them. “I know it’s spitting distance but, to be honest, I don’t trust either of you to get there in one piece.”</p><p>“Thank you,” slurred Ruby, tucking her arm into Callum’s and gazing at him with her most winning smile. She wasn’t so drunk that she was going to leave Whitney alone with Callum. That way, trouble lay.</p><p>“You got the short straw,” said Ben as he put a steadying arm around Whitney.</p><p>“Short!” snorted Whitney, patting the top of his head.</p><p>“Watch it,” huffed Ben, pretending to be offended. “You might upset me.”</p><p>As they made slow progress around the square, Whitney turned to Ben and stopped him. She was crying now. It wasn’t heavy, uncontrollable sobbing, more a relentless stream of tears.</p><p>“I am so jealous of what you ‘ave with Callum,” she wept.</p><p>“I know you are,” said Ben simply, rubbing her tears away with his thumbs. “I see you watchin’ us and I feel like we’re rubbin’ salt in your wound. But what d’ya want us to do, Whit? I love Callum. We love each other.” Whitney looked at him through damp eyes, seeing him clearly.</p><p>“D’ya know what? I reckon you’ve not even said that to ‘im yet,” she accused.</p><p>“Things like that, they’ve gotta be said at the right time. They’re important.” Ben knew that Whitney saw him. Maybe she could understand how they could all move forward. “I know we don’t need it, Whit, but, if you would give it, it would make things better for all three of us …”</p><p>“What?” Whitney watched Ben’s uncertainty. She knew he hadn’t meant to hurt her. She knew Callum hadn’t wanted to hurt her. These men both cared for her.</p><p>“ … your acceptance or, even, your blessing.”</p><p>“Yeah, I … I can see how … yeah.” She held Ben’s face in her hands and said, “I’m gonna really try. I promise.” They had reached an understanding.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Incriminating evidence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Karen was still digging into Keanu’s disappearance.</p><p>“If she don’t shut up,” threatened Phil, coming home one evening after encountering her in the pub, “I’ll send her that video of ‘im coppin’ it with a warning that she’s next!” Ben nearly choked on his drink and Callum looked at him inquiringly. Ben hadn’t said anything about a video. “What’re ya watchin’?” Phil asked, squinting at the telly. “Is that ‘arry Potter?” he questioned, as though he couldn’t believe his eyes.</p><p>“Yeah, we started watchin’ it wiv Lex, but she didn’t like the dementors so we turned it off,” Ben explained, feeling the need to mollify Phil for some reason.</p><p>“It’s not off, though, is it? It’s on,” observed Phil somewhat obviously. “Your kind of thing, this?” he accused Callum. Callum glanced at Ben who was chewing his fingers and scowling. Clearly Phil did not know that his son was an avid Harry Potter fan.</p><p>“I never watched it when I was kid,” Callum offered, to save Ben his embarrassment. “I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.” To his amazement, Phil dropped himself into an armchair, and waved his hand at the telly.</p><p>“Let’s see it then,” he ordered. Callum was aware that Ben was now sitting slightly apart from him on the sofa. He reached for his hand and gave him a reassuring smile. Ben’s look back said everything: fuck, we’re sitting here watching Prisoner of Azkaban with my dad.</p><p>Phil being Phil got bored after about half an hour, proclaimed that the film was ‘for kids’ and announced that he was heading to bed. On his way out of the room, he stalled and turned back to look directly at Callum.</p><p>“You can stay ‘ere y’know. Overnight. If ya want to.”  Leaving his generous offer floating in the living room air, he went upstairs. Ben observed the wistful look on Callum’s face. He knew Callum would like to stay.</p><p>“I’ve never done it before,” he said. “Slept with my boyfriend in my dad’s house.” Callum watched the indecision on Ben’s face.</p><p>“So what d’ya wanna do?” he asked, trying for a neutral tone. He wanted to stay because it was another step for their relationship but he didn’t want to push Ben to do something that made him feel uncomfortable. He positively didn’t give a damn about Phil feeling uncomfortable. “We don’t have to have sex or anyfin’. Keep the noise down, yeah?” he teased, keeping the conversation light. He continued to watch Ben and interpreted his hesitation as unwillingness. “But we can go back to mine. Make as much noise as we like there,” he laughed, trying to make it not so much of a big deal.</p><p>“No,” Ben reached up to Callum and cupped his cheek with a gentle hand. “Let’s stay here.” Callum smiled, the sweet, happy smile that always melted Ben. It was a moment made for a kiss … that turned into a full on make-out session.</p><p>“Let’s take this upstairs,” suggested Ben after a while, grabbing Callum’s hand and pulling him up.</p><p>As they climbed into bed, Callum looked around.</p><p>“Where exactly is yer dad’s room relative to this room?” he wondered. There didn’t seem to be enough bedrooms for all the people in this house, as far as he could work out.</p><p>“It’s like he’s sleepin’ with us wiv you talkin’ about ‘im all the time,” moaned Ben. “And, babe, the thought of that is a passion killer.”</p><p>“My passion is not dead,” protested Callum, letting his hands wander over Ben, and nipping his neck lightly. Ben willingly submitted. They were going to have to learn how to have fun quietly and that was going to take practice.</p><p>They lay in the bed afterwards, giggling at the effort it had been to not wake the household.</p><p>“This mattress is much better than mine,” commented Callum. Ben snorted.</p><p>“You could have mentioned the staggeringly good blowjob or even the monumental beauty of my cock, but, no, you, you’re talking about the mattress,” Ben complained, eyes twinkling as Callum laughed. “But if we’re gonna talk about sommin’ serious,” Ben moved onto his side so that he could look properly at Callum before he continued, “I saw your face when Dad mentioned the video.”</p><p>“Yeah, what is that?” Callum asked lightly, careful not to sound worried or judgemental, both of which, he knew, would cause Ben to clam up.</p><p>“Martin and Keanu had to stage the death. It’s normal for there to be either a body or proof of death after a hit. So there’s a video of Keanu begging for his life, then a gunshot, then Keanu apparently dead on the floor. Martin did a great job of editin’ it. It’s really convincin’.” Callum stared at Ben incredulously.</p><p>“An’ you kept it? Or did ya give it to Phil an’ he kept it? You do understand that it’s evidence, Ben. Even if ya deleted it, it can be recovered on yer phone. You ‘n’ Martin could end up going down for a murder that you didn’t commit because you made it look like you did. Keanu has disappeared and a case could be made that’s because you killed ‘im. Who’s got the video?”</p><p>“Shit, you really do think like a copper, don’t ya?” deflected Ben, although, in fact, the danger was dawning on him. “Martin sent it to me. We had burners. I showed it to my dad and then destroyed the phone.” He paused. “But I need to check that Martin has got rid of his phone.”</p><p>“All this stuff was supposed to be over,” chided Callum. “I’ve got my police assessment next week.”</p><p>“Yeah, and you will fly through it,” reassured Ben. “All that training and these very impressive muscles,” he murmured smuttily, groping Callum’s bum, and pulling their bodies together, “can not have been for nothing.” And, with that, the problem of the video was put aside until the morning.</p><p>+++</p><p>“I hid it,” muttered Martin, faced with a furious Ben.</p><p>“Why Martin? Why would you be so fucking stupid?” Ben was aware that he was sweating as he paced up and down The Arches. “Tell me exactly what happened in the warehouse. Step by step. Don’t miss out anything.” Martin was crestfallen. The job had been beyond him when he agreed to do it; this moment had always been inevitable.</p><p>“We made the video of him begging.  Then I shot him, carefully, exactly where you said, and he was really good, he didn’t move until I did the second shot in the wall and I filmed him falling backwards. You saw it Ben, he did it really well. He was bleedin’ a lot and I filmed him on the floor. Then I cleaned up his wound, padded it like you said and gave him that packet of antibiotics just in case. I made him change his clothes, gave him the bag and he left. I changed my clothes and burned everything in the warehouse on top of where I shot him, like you said. I cleaned the gun, threw it in the canal where you said.” Martin looked miserable, knowing that he had messed up. “I forgot about the phone. I forgot to burn it so I shoved it in my pocket thinking I’d get rid of it with the gun. Then I didn’t, ‘cause the gun was clean so couldn’t come back to me, but phones are not the same. What if it was found and somebody saw the video?”</p><p>“Yeah, what if?” Ben snapped sarcastically. “So then?” he demanded.</p><p>“Then nothing,” whined Martin. “I was gonna burn the phone at the allotments, but one of those old men would have spotted it in the incinerator, an’ I couldn’t think of another safe place to burn it. I hid it in my dad’s old shed. Ted’s away and no-one else uses it.”</p><p>“Until they do, you fucking moron!” Ben wiped the sweat off his face. Martin tried to explain himself.</p><p>“I was gonna look up how to destroy a phone but, well, you can’t just look up somethin’ like that. Yer browsin’ can be spied on.”</p><p>“Yer what?” Ben almost shrieked with incredulity. “Who’s spyin’ on ya, Martin?” Martin looked at Ben curiously.</p><p>“What did you do with yours?” he asked.</p><p>“Deleted all the data, did a hard reset on the phone, removed the sim and cut it up into small pieces and flushed ‘em, took a hammer to the phone, scattered the bits in the market rubbish.” Ben closed his eyes, sighed heavily and opened his eyes to glare at Martin. “Which is what we’re gonna do now with your phone. Let’s go!”</p><p>They trudged over to the allotments, each thinking very similar thoughts. Neither man wanted this kind of thing to be part of his life. They had both been involved in illegal activities for much of their lives and they were not worried about the odd dodgy deal, but they wanted to be able to exist mainly on the straight and narrow. They wanted to focus on their loved ones.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m gonna have an icecream while you fetch it,” declared Ben, eyeing the kiosk as they walked past it. He generally had a sweet tooth and today he craved the comfort.</p><p>“In January?” asked Martin curiously.</p><p>“You ‘ave hot drinks in the summer; why not ice cream in the winter?” Ben smiled inwardly at this borrowed bit of Callum wisdom. Thinking of Callum always grounded him. He sat at the picnic table enjoying his ice lolly while he waited, expecting Martin to be no more than a couple of minutes. When he hadn’t reappeared five minutes later, Ben knew that he hadn’t been able to find the phone. Now they really were in trouble.</p><p>+++</p><p>There was no love lost between Sharon and Karen. As far as Karen was concerned, Sharon had exploited her son for sex. She knew that Keanu had believed he was in love with Sharon, but he was young, what did he know? Sharon didn’t like Karen’s judgement. Why shouldn’t a woman approaching fifty have a man approaching twenty? Why not? Keanu knew what he was doing. He didn’t answer to his mum.</p><p>But they were both worried about Keanu’s disappearance knowing that Phil was more than capable of making him disappear permanently. So Sharon had gone round to talk to Karen.</p><p>“I heard you had a go at Phil last night in The Vic,” she began, staring at the chipped mug of thick brown tea, limescale floating on the top, given to her by Karen. There was no way she was drinking that. “D’you think he has somethin’ to do with Keanu runnin’ away?” In reply, Karen shrugged inelegantly.</p><p>“Dunno, do I? D’you?” she obfuscated, surveying Sharon, wondering if she had anything to share. Deciding to start off the sharing process, she got out her phone and showed Keanu’s message to the older woman.</p><p>“That does sound like him,” suggested Sharon.</p><p>“Yeah, it does,” admitted Karen. “The way ‘e starts with ‘my mum’ – none of my other kids do that -  and the two kisses, that’s ‘im. Even the spellin’ is ‘im. ‘e was never no good at spellin’.”</p><p>“So he got away then?” whispered Sharon hopefully, desperately wanting it to be true. She had been certain that Phil would have ordered a hit on Keanu, but she knew who to ask and she’d asked around - nobody knew anything. Had Keanu got away? If so, she was certain he’d had help. Keanu might be cute but he wasn’t smart. Who would help him? He didn’t have any friends. As her mind raced, she noticed Karen’s face crumple.</p><p>“I jus’ wanna know. For certain, y’know.” Karen didn’t want to cry in front of Sharon but couldn’t help herself.</p><p>“If he got away, d’you think he had help? Maybe,” Sharon started her move, “you were askin’ the wrong Mitchell. Maybe Louise knows more.” Karen nodded along. “Or Ben,” Sharon hinted. “He hated the attention Phil showed Keanu.”</p><p>“Ben? Why would he know anyfin’?”</p><p>“He cares about his dad,” Sharon suggested silkily, “and he cares about his sister.” Sharon had noticed Ben orchestrating the Mitchell drinks on Christmas Day. She was certain he was involved. She just needed somebody else to set the cat among the pigeons.</p><p>“They were all of ‘em in The Vic for hours on Christmas Day. They were nowhere near it,” refuted Karen.</p><p>“Oh Ben won’t have wanted to get his hands dirty,” said Sharon, building her case. “We have to think about who would help him.”</p><p>“You sayin’ that Keanu mebbe didn’t get away?” Karen had turned pale, her eyes wide and frightened. Sharon shrugged slightly. She didn’t want Karen to be too alarmed.</p><p>“I don’t know Karen, I don’t. But we need to find a way to get Ben to talk.” Karen looked at her knowingly.</p><p>“’e won’t talk to you, will ‘e?” Karen was beginning to get the measure of Sharon. “So you want me to what? Use a mother’s ‘eartbreak? Or rip off ‘is goolies?”</p><p>“I’d start with the first,” proposed Sharon. “He has a soft heart.”</p><p>+++</p><p>Sharon watched Karen’s ridiculous attempt to get information from Ben from across the square. Karen wailed and wept, hung onto Ben’s arm and pleaded with him to tell her what had happened to Keanu. Callum stepped in and told her to stop.</p><p>“The police said he sent you a message explaining why he left,” reasoned Callum. Ben was more hostile.</p><p>“Leave ‘er alone Callum. ‘er precious son ripped apart my family, destroyed my sister’s dreams and then fucked off. That’s the truth.”</p><p>It was in the middle of the market and there were a lot of people watching but Sharon noticed Martin Fowler in particular. He looked guilty. Why would he look guilty? She watched him closely and as Ben and Callum walked past him, they all did that man thing of tapping each other’s arms. Were they friends? She was certain, though, that at least up until Christmas Martin and Ben had not been friends.</p><p>She had something else on Martin. On Christmas Night, she had found herself with nowhere to go and had taken shelter in Arthur’s shed on the allotments. Martin’s sister Michelle now lived in Australia but had been Sharon’s best friend since childhood. Sharon knew exactly where the key was hidden. Luckily the shed was solid and there were no draughts. She had tucked herself onto some sacks and an old sun lounger cushion at the back of the shed and had briefly fallen asleep. She was woken by Martin. Not seeing her, he had dashed in, opened a box at the back of a bottom shelf and shoved something in. Within seconds he was gone. Sharon recovered a phone from the box. She had watched Martin after Christmas, quickly learned that he was having an affair with Ruby and she presumed this was why he had a second phone that needed to be hidden. She had meant to put the phone back. Stacey Fowler was a shrew and Ruby was a darling; good for Martin, she thought. But she hadn’t got round to putting it back. Perhaps now was time to have a look at that phone.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Double-cross</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just can’t believe that the police forensic team would not have picked apart the video. <br/>Also, time for tough Louise to reappear.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The police arrived early one morning and arrested Phil. There was a houseful as both Jay and Callum had stayed overnight. Denny had already left for school as he was on a trip and Lexi was upstairs getting ready, so Phil managed to avoid the humiliation of the children seeing him taken away. Ben rang Kathy to collect Lexi and take her to school, followed by Martin to tell him to come round. Then Ben, Callum, Louise, Lola and Jay sat around the dining table.  Callum noticed Ben sit in Phil’s usual chair and hoped it wasn’t some kind of foreshadowing.</p><p>“So they have the video.” Ben spoke quietly.</p><p>“Take a step back, mate, what video?” demanded Jay. The full story was laid out for him and Lola.</p><p>“Actually, I reckon that was quite a good plan,” mused Lola. “I’m not sure Martin was a good choice. You could’ve got Jay to do it. That would’ve made more sense.”</p><p>“What?” said Jay, hardly able to believe his ears. Addressing Ben, he said, “Thank you for NOT involvin’ me in your mad scheme.”</p><p>“Or you could’ve asked me,” interjected Callum, surprising Ben. “I would’ve ‘elped ya. But, I think you’re safe. There’s nothin’ on the video to show Phil, Martin or Ben. They won’t even think of Martin, and you and Phil have alibis.”</p><p>“There’s text messages,” muttered Ben. “But no names and nothin’ to say it was a fake murder. They probably make it sound like a real one.”</p><p>“Your dad has been arrested because he has motive and because they think he has form,” reassured Callum. “But his alibi is gonna hold. He’ll be back soon.”</p><p>“But what you’ve done now,” Jay spoke angrily, looking at Ben then Louise, “is involve all of us ‘ere in your double-cross of Phil. We’re all gonna cop it if he finds out.”</p><p>There was a knock on the door and Lola jumped up to let in Martin. He looked at the grave faces and picked up the sombre mood.</p><p>“The police have got the video. They’ve arrested Dad,” Ben summarised.</p><p>Louise spoke up. Her tone was steady and strong. Her eyes flashed with determination.</p><p>“Callum’s right. Dad will be back soon.” She looked around the table. “We’re askin’ the wrong question. The question we should be askin’ is: who gave the video to the police? That person is more dangerous to us than we are to each other. None of us,” she emphasised, “know anythin’ if anyone ‘appens to ask.”</p><p>“So, who do you think did it?” asked Lola curiously.</p><p>“I know who did it,” said Louise darkly. “It can only have been one person – Sharon.”</p><p>“I can see why Sharon would do it,” argued Jay, “but how did she know where to find the ‘phone? It’s not like she was in Arthur’s shed.”</p><p>“Where was she on Christmas night?” asked Lola. Everybody looked at her, confused. “Well, she moved into Ian’s on Boxing Day an’ she left ‘ere on Christmas Day,” Lola carried on, “so where did she stay on Christmas Night?”</p><p>“At Linda’s or with another friend? The Travelodge? She’s not likely to have spent the night in a garden shed,” protested Jay. “You’ve seen Sharon. She doesn’t come across as someone who would slum it.” Martin frowned as he thought back to Christmas night.</p><p>“Dad’s shed was unlocked,” he remembered. “I didn’t really think about it, ‘cause sometimes Ted leaves it unlocked. But he’s away. Maybe someone else is usin’ it?”</p><p>“We find out where she was,” instructed Louise. “Martin, check the shed for any signs that she stayed there. Callum, find out if she was at The Carters. Ben, check the Travelodge. We meet back here in half an hour.” Ben watched his sister take charge and made a mental note never to cross her.</p><p>Thirty minutes later, they had established that Sharon had indeed been in the shed on Christmas night. She had taken the phone and given it to the police. Ben and Louise were appalled.</p><p>“I’m going to go and talk to her,” said Louise.</p><p>“I’ll come with ya,” offered Ben.</p><p>“No,” Louise brushed aside the offer. “I want to do this. It was my life she wrecked.” Callum watched, reflecting that he didn’t need to worry about Ben taking on Phil’s mantle; it was much more likely to be Louise.</p><p>Louise walked over to the Beales’ slowly so that she could rehearse her play. She knew that the kitchen door was often unlocked so she went in that way, stopping briefly at the door to listen for voices. Ian, Kathy and Bobby should be out but she wanted to be careful.</p><p>Sharon was sitting at the table, flicking through a magazine. She was startled as Louise walked in but quickly gathered herself.</p><p>“I think you know why I’m here,” started Louise. Sharon could see that Louise was in a worryingly hostile mood. She decided to go on the offensive.</p><p>“Your dad had your fiancé killed,” she spat nastily. ”The father of your child.” Louise regarded her coolly, and then looked down, examining her nails slowly and carefully, eventually lifting her eyes to stare coldly at Sharon.</p><p>“And the father of YOUR child.” Louise was calm but scary. Sharon had never seen her this way and could see the Mitchell in her. She lifted her chin defiantly, determined not to be intimidated.</p><p>“Yes, Louise,” she snarled. “The father of my child. You want to think of yourself as a grown up. Well this is what being a grown up is. It’s messy, full of mistakes. You think you can live a perfect little life. Well, you can’t!”</p><p>“Hmm, messy,” considered Louise. “You are a mess, that is true. Look at you. No home, no money … no son.”</p><p>“Keep Denny out of this,” snapped Sharon.</p><p>“Oh, I don’t think so,” threatened Louise. “What is there to tie Dad or me to that video? Maybe you and Keanu staged that video to frame Dad. You did watch it, didn’t you? I don’t think it is going to take the police long to unpick that video and realise it doesn’t actually show a murder. Who would have more motive to do that than you and the father of your child? I wonder what Denny would think about that?” Sharon paled as she realised the sophistication of the plan. Louise had known all along how the video could be used to implicate Sharon and Keanu. She had wanted to get a copy but Ben had been careful to destroy his phone quickly and she’d assumed Martin would have done the same. This morning, she had been secretly pleased that the video had emerged. She would have preferred to not have the police involved; threatening Sharon had been her planned revenge.</p><p>“I saw Martin Fowler stash that phone,” Sharon shot, desperately looking for a way out. “You Mitchells might have got your alibis sorted, but Martin won’t have one, will he?”</p><p>“Martin Fowler?” Louise laughed hard. “You’re just picking on him because he’s friends with Ben.” She pulled her chair nearer to Sharon, leaning in to get her face as close as possible. “And your alibi, Sharon? Where were you after you left the pub?” She stood up slowly, staring at Sharon throughout. “Worried yet?” she asked mockingly. But Sharon had one last play.</p><p>“If that is true, then Ben and you have fooled Phil. I wonder what he’ll think of that.”</p><p>“Yes, you’re right. It is a small problem because he did want Keanu dead. But,” and Louise abruptly switched into her precious princess act, “I couldn’t stand the thought of killing my little girl’s daddy,” and burst into tears. Sharon watched, appalled, knowing that this would indeed earn Phil’s forgiveness. Maybe Ben would have to suffer but not Louise. Louise switched off the tears as suddenly as she had switched them on. She glared at Sharon.</p><p>“Worried now?” And she left Sharon alone.</p><p>Louise strolled back across the square. She couldn’t imagine that Sharon wouldn’t drop her and Ben in it with Phil and while she was sure she could get Phil’s forgiveness, she knew he would give Ben a hard time. Maybe she had frightened Sharon enough. Louise’s view was that the police would worry about two things: wasting their time and the gun. She hadn’t yet come up with a story for the gun and it was concerning her.</p><p>+++</p><p>As predicted, the police let Phil go after a couple of hours. His trusted lawyer Ritchie Scott had quickly demolished their case. Nonetheless, Phil was furious with Ben.</p><p>“What idiot did you get for the job?” he yelled, pacing the livingroom.</p><p>“Someone I can trust. Someone I can still trust,” insisted Ben, flinching as Phil hurled a shoe across the room. “There’s nothin’ on that film to come back on me or you or Louise or my contact.”</p><p>“Do I know ‘im? Is that why you won’t give me a name?” Phil charged, with an accurate flash of insight. Ben lost his temper.</p><p>“I am NOT givin’ you a name because we need to let this die down. YOU would just start it all off again. Keanu’s gone. Sharon’s gone. You got what you wanted, Dad.”</p><p>Ben’s wish for the matter to die down was not to be granted. As Louise had realised, the police figured out that the video was of a staged death. What she hadn’t anticipated was that they would come up with the theory that Sharon and Keanu had staged it together as their first line of investigation.</p><p>+++</p><p>“Really officer?” Sharon reasoned when the police came to talk to her. “Look at me. Even at Christmas, I was pregnant, you know. What have you got to tie me to that video?”</p><p>“You had it in your possession Mrs Mitchell …”</p><p>“Watts,” corrected Sharon.</p><p>“… and we don’t believe that Phil Mitchell would have given it to you, or even that he would have failed to destroy it afterwards.” Sharon weighed up her options. She could tell her story of the shed and Martin but she couldn’t prove it and, even to her ears, it sounded farfetched.</p><p>“You also have motive Mrs Mitchell,” warned the officer. “If we can’t tie you to this, we’ll keep watching you and when you disappear into the sunset to join lover boy, we’ll know what you did.”</p><p>“Phil and his daughter Louise also have motive,” suggested Sharon, part of her cringing that she was giving them to the police.</p><p>“How’s that then Mrs Mitchell?” Sharon was becoming increasingly annoyed at his refusal to call her Watts. “Why would Philip Mitchell have staged Keanu Taylor’s death? We can think of a reason for him to have him killed, but not to spare him. You can see the problem, Mrs Mitchell.”</p><p>“What about Louise then?” Sharon said, feeling a stab of regret that her and Louise had come to this point. She loved Louise like a daughter. Had loved.</p><p>“We’ll be talking to Miss Mitchell.”</p><p>“Are you arresting me?” snapped Sharon, suddenly tired of the questions. She wanted these people to leave.</p><p>“No Mrs Mitchell we’re not arresting you at this time.” The officer looked at her sternly. “We take a very dim view of wasting police time and staging your lover’s death to frame your husband is something we take very seriously.” They left Sharon more shaken up than they realised. She could see how it looked and it didn’t look good to her. She especially didn’t want Denny to think she had done this. The police felt like the enquiry was going nowhere and they were not particularly inclined to get in the middle of a Mitchell on Mitchell war. Let them fight it out between them. The visit to Louise was carried out reluctantly and was equally fruitless.</p><p>“It was fake?” Louise expertly feigned ditsy confusion as the police officer explained about the video. “You think I did it? Why would I have faked his death?” Ben and Phil sat quietly, watching her in full flow, both silently applauding her performance.</p><p>“It has been suggested to us that you might have staged the death to stop your father from murdering your fiancé,” said the lead officer.</p><p>“What?” Louise was giving a very good impression of complete innocence. “If my dad was that kind of person, and he ain’t, how would someone like me be able to stop ‘im? Who would I get to do the staged death thing? Where would I get a gun?”</p><p>“We do not know for certain that a gun was used. It could have been a sound effect,” argued the lead officer. Louise cheered inside. The gun had been giving her more than a few restless moments.</p><p>“You did tell one of our officers,” the other officer referred to his file, “that you wanted your dad to ‘get hold’ of Mr Taylor?”</p><p>“Yeah, to warn him off, frighten him. Not to kill him. Why would you think that?” cried Louise, actual tears falling. She appeared to think and her forehead wrinkled in confusion. “How does that link to staging his death? I don’t understand what you’re saying.” The lead officer glared at his subordinate for muddying the waters.</p><p>“That’s enough,” growled Phil. “My daughter is just eighteen, she’s just ‘ad a baby and discovered her fiancé was bedding her step-mum. She’s been through enough. You’ve got noffin’. Time to leave, officers.”</p><p>After they had left, Phil stood up and faced Ben and Louise, sitting together on the settee, partners in crime, his face grim and his hands placed angrily on his hips. He glowered at them both in turn and when he spoke, his voice was steady but right on the edge of anger.</p><p>“A staged death?” Ben’s heart sank as he readied himself for a barrage of disappointment but Louise was not taking the criticism.</p><p>“If we killed him Dad, one day … one day, Peggy might find out. What do you think would happen then, Dad? And let’s face it, you might not be around at that point, so it’s not comin’ back on you. She would HATE me! I was NOT going to risk that.”</p><p>“So whose idea was it? Yours?” he levelled at Louise.</p><p>“Yes!” she shouted back. “And it would have worked perfectly if it hadn’t been for …” She caught herself just in time.</p><p>“The phone not being destroyed,” Phil finished. “An’ that’ll’ve been your part in this!” Phil turned his anger on Ben.</p><p>“It’s worked out better than we could have hoped, Dad.” Louise sat forward and banged her fists on the coffee table to get her dad’s attention. “It looks like Sharon and Keanu staged it. She deserves the ‘assle. An’ now the police and Karen are gonna stop lookin’ for Keanu.”</p><p>But Phil remained focused on Ben.</p><p>“So you could have either done what yer sister wanted or what yer dad wanted? Is that it?” he accused savagely. Ben sat forward alongside Louise.</p><p>“Or what I wanted Dad. ‘Cause I matter too. An’ I didn’t want to kill anyone.” Phil rolled his eyes but Ben ignored it. “Believe it or not, I was lookin’ out for you Dad. If you go down, you’re gonna die inside and we, your family, lose you. I didn’t want that for you or for me or Lex or Lou or Peggy or Denny.” Phil stared at him but Ben could see that his message had been heard. Phil sat down on the chair facing his treacherous children. They’d made their own decisions; they’d acted strong and firm; they’d acted together, like he and Grant used to. Part of him was proud. But they’d lied to him and he was going to need to process that. He did understand why they’d done it.</p><p>“He can not show ‘is face in Walford ever again,” he growled. Louise and Ben took a breath.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. You be you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stuart made a stupid comment about Callum keeping quiet at his police assessment about his relationship with Ben.</p><p>“There’s bent coppers and there’s bent coppers,” he’d joked. Callum was infuriated. It wasn’t like he would be talking about his personal life at an interview. He was even more annoyed with himself for letting the comment sink in. He had hated the army for this, for never feeling like he could be himself. Why did he think the police would be different? He stomped back to the flat, full of conflict.</p><p>Stuart watched him go, knowing that he had created an issue. Sometimes Callum was a mystery to him; Stuart often managed to say the wrong thing. He couldn’t stand Ben but he did understand that Ben communicated better with Callum and so he went in search of his brother’s pesky boyfriend. He found him in the café with his brother Denny.</p><p>“Alright Menace,” said Stuart cheerily. He had a bit of a soft spot for the youngest Mitchell. “Ben, er, bit of a problem. I might ‘ave put my foot in it with Callum. Only now ‘e’s gone all weird about ‘is assessment.”</p><p>“That’s a shame. There goes my boy in blue.” Ben winked at Denny which annoyed Stuart even more. Callum wanted him to make more of an effort with Ben but it was not easy.</p><p>“E’s got a chance to be something so, for once, mebbe you can think about someone other than yourself.” Stuart was being offensive and he knew it but justified it because he believed Ben brought it out in him. He glared at Ben and took his leave.</p><p>“Gotta go,” Ben apologised to Denny.</p><p>“Smash ya at FIFA later, yeah?” smiled Denny cheekily.</p><p>“Fancy yer chances, do ya?” laughed Ben.</p><p>“Bring it!” challenged Denny.</p><p>Ben headed over to Callum’s flat, let himself in and found Callum in their bedroom. He jumped on the bed and lounged luxuriously, watching Callum put on his suit. Callum took his tie into the living room to put it on in front of the mirror, then immediately took it off.</p><p>“When’s the rest comin’ off, eh?” quipped Ben, watching from the bedroom doorway.</p><p>“I’m binnin’ off the assessment,” stropped Callum. He flounced over to the settee and flung himself down, throwing the tie on the arm. Ben watched the conflict and uncertainty wrestle with Callum’s confidence. He went to sit with him, placing a comforting hand on his knee.</p><p>“Yer brother’s an idiot. I don’t know why you listen to ‘im,” reasoned Ben.</p><p>“You don’t get it,” stressed Callum. “A uniform’s a uniform. You put it on and suddenly you’re part of this big collective. You’re all talkin’ the same, being the same, acting the same … until you realise you can never be the same.”</p><p>“Woah,” comforted Ben, “Come on! You’ve gotta start realising how far you’ve come. This is a new Callum. This is the Callum that, if he gets hassled, he stands up and he brushes himself off.”</p><p>“Why’re ya boverin’ anyway? Ya don’t even want me to be in the police,” sulked Callum, fidgeting with his suit. Ben shuffled closer to him and held his jaw, gently turning it to make Callum look his way.</p><p>“I want you to be you. An’ if that means that I’ve got to drag you to that assessment myself, I will!” Callum knew Ben supported him and believed in him. His face relaxed and he sought a final affirmation.</p><p>“You really think I can do this?”</p><p>“That ain’t even a question.” Ben grinned at him. “I’ll see you at The Albert after. Go with the red tie, babe.” Ben kissed Callum on the forehead, cupping his cheek. Callum got the strength he needed from the support. He was ready to go.</p><p>+++</p><p>The Albert was Kathy’s bar. When Ben walked in, her face lit up. She would fight to the death for both of her sons, but Ben was her baby. He brought her joy and held a special place in her heart.</p><p>“Ben,” she said, coming forward to hold his face and kiss his forehead. “No Callum?” Kathy adored Callum. He was a wonderful addition to their family.</p><p>“I’m meetin’ him here. He had his police assessment this morning,” explained Ben. Kathy scrutinised her son. She knew that he didn’t always manage to keep on the right side of the law. She lived in the same house as Sharon and had overheard Sharon talking to the police about Phil and Louise and their possible involvement in Keanu’s disappearance; Kathy had stayed on the other side of the door ready to storm in if Ben’s name had been mentioned. It concerned her that Callum wanted to be a policeman. Could Ben make enough changes? He could if he was less tied to Phil, she believed.</p><p>“How is it goin’ at yer dad’s?” she asked. “I miss ‘avin’ you, Lola and Lexi in the house. I think Bobby does as well.”</p><p>“Sharon’s the problem, mum. If she wasn’t there, I’d be livin’ with you,” Ben pointed out. “But it’s ok at dad’s. I’m helping with Peggy and Denny. And Callum’s started to stay over. Not always, sometimes we stay at his.” Kathy raised her eyebrows.</p><p>“How’s Phil with that?” she asked, curiously. She knew her ex-husband extremely well.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ben laughed. “Probably not thinkin’ about it too hard. But he’s acceptin’ of it, Mum, and that matters. An’ I reckon he likes Callum.”</p><p>“Callum is strong, deep down strong,” Kathy said, her admiration evident. “He’s not afraid of yer dad. Yer dad‘ll respect that. An’, I don’t know if you’re aware, YOU are a ray of sunshine around Callum. Yer dad an’ me want you to be happy, Ben. It’s all that matters to us.” She looked towards the door. “And here he is.”</p><p>“Hello Kathy,” smiled Callum, putting his arm round Ben and giving him a squeeze.</p><p>“Come ‘ere,” Kathy said, reaching over the bar to hold his face and give him a kiss on the forehead. Ben melted at Callum’s pleasure at the greeting. “How did it go?” she asked.</p><p>“To be honest, I don’t know. Good I think. They seemed ‘appy with me. Just ‘ave to wait and see.” Callum looked from Ben to Kathy, his face full of uncertainty. Ben smiled up at him, his face full of pride. Kathy looked at them both wondering if they could be any cuter.</p><p>“Well the drinks are on me,” said Kathy. “I think we should celebrate getting through the first step. That alright with you Callum?”</p><p>Callum could feel the love coming from mother and son and was immensely touched. If he could have nothing else in the world, to be part of this loving family was enough. He felt an urge to reach out to Kathy.</p><p>“Have you got time to have somethin’ to eat with us, Kathy?” Kathy looked at Ben who raised his eyebrows and smiled.</p><p>“Have I got time to spend with my favourite boys?” she crowed, delighted, as she came round to the front of the bar. “I most certainly do!”</p><p>The lunch was spent talking about Ben’s early life, about happy days spent singing and dancing. Kathy had a habit of stroking Ben’s hair much like Callum did. Callum noticed the habit, watched how Kathy’s face softened when she did it. He knew Kathy had let Ben down in a huge way in his life. Disappearing and letting him think she was dead were big parenting crimes. But Callum was all for second chances and he could see Kathy loved Ben. As they were finishing off, Kathy held hands with both of them.</p><p>“You boys,” she said, warmly smiling at Callum. “You’ve got something here, something special. You look after each other.”</p><p>“We will, Mum,” confirmed Ben, kissing her hand. She stood up and bent over to kiss the top of his head. “Love ya, Ben.” Callum watched, enjoying the love on display and was taken aback when Kathy kissed the top of his head. “Love you too Callum.”</p><p>“Oh my fucking god,” chuckled Ben as she walked away. “I’ve got competition for your affection.”</p><p>“You just don’t recognise how lucky you are,” smiled Callum. “It don’t matter what you do, she’s on your side. So you can be exactly who you are and she’ll be good with it.”</p><p>“Not the same wiv my dad though, is it? All kinds of expectations there,” Ben ruminated.</p><p>“Yeah, I suppose,” said Callum. “But yer dad, he does love ya. I can see it.”</p><p>+++</p><p>Ben decided that he needed to have a proper conversation with Phil about the future. Before Christmas, Phil had been pulling away from his criminal activities and Ben had liked to see it. He knew that this had changed and Phil was back dealing with some serious players. Shirley was handling most of the illegitimate business as well as keeping The Arches going as a real garage; she was doing a good job. Phil was lately involved in some shady stuff with a local villain Danny Hardcastle. Ben’s last dealings with Danny had involved people trafficking so he was very bothered about his dad’s current involvement. He sat in the kitchen waiting for his dad to come in.</p><p>“You on yer own?” said Phil as he walked through the door, seeing Ben at the table.</p><p>“Callum’s watching telly with Lola and Denny, Lex is in bed, Louise is talking to her mum on Skype. I’m sittin’ here ‘cause I want to talk to ya, Dad.” Phil sat down next to Ben.</p><p>“So talk,” he said, placing his palms flat on the table. Ben was feeling nervous and beginning to wish he hadn’t started this. But in for a penny, in for a pound.</p><p>“D’ya remember in the hospital when Louise was havin’ Peggy?” Phil shrugged at Ben’s question. “You said you were getting’ too old for the scene. What d’ya think about that now?” Ben looked at his dad hopefully. Phil looked back at him giving nothing away.</p><p>“It’s all I know, Ben,” he stated simply. “Maybe it’s too late for me to change.” Phil watched Ben’s face fall. “You’re wantin’ me to be a different person to who I am.”</p><p>“That’s what I said to Callum,” said Ben. “I felt like he wanted me to change who I am. But he said he didn’t want me to change who I am, just what I do.”</p><p>“Hmph,” huffed Phil. “Truth is, you don’t like the shady stuff, Ben. Yer heart isn’t in it. So when you act like yourself, it’s straight not crooked. I’m not the same, Ben.”</p><p>“How can you say that? I have broken the law more times than I’ve broken into a sweat.” Ben felt indignant that his dad didn’t recognise his efforts. Phil, for his part, hated conversations like this, especially with Ben. They had a habit of hitting a point of conflict and going downhill quickly thereafter. He touched Ben’s arm hoping to avoid the usual pattern.</p><p>“Ben, I know you ‘ave stepped up lots o’ times and I know you’re not scared. But if we’re talkin’ about being who ya really are, and I think that’s what we’re talking about, then I’m gonna say that my life is not for you.” Ben looked at him expecting frustration and disappointment to be shown, but Phil was almost smiling. “Be yourself Ben. Keep it straight. But I’m gonna be myself and it will likely be crooked, not all of it, not even mostly, but sometimes.” It was a long speech for Phil and Ben really appreciated it.</p><p>“What about Denny?” Ben asked.</p><p>“What about Denny?” Phil asked, shrugging the question away. He found Ben’s jealousy tiresome. “He’s a lad. Into his football, it’ll be girls next, then he’ll want to make some money. But I don’t want him near the bad stuff.”</p><p>“So why,” Ben couldn’t help himself; he had to know, “why did you involve me?” Phil looked at him patiently.</p><p>“You wanted to. You wouldn’t leave it alone.” Phil’s explanation shocked Ben. He knew he had tried to get his dad’s approval but his memory of events was that his dad had withheld his approval unless Ben proved himself to be a good little criminal.</p><p>“Right,” he said in a small voice. They sat there for a few moments, Phil watching Ben, Ben trying to process the conversation.</p><p>“I’ve learned the lesson,” Phil spoke up unexpectedly. “I don’t want Denny near the bad stuff but I want him to be himself. If that happens to be crooked, then fine. But it’s not what I want for him. I hope he’s like you Ben, strong y’know, principled, wiv good relationships.” Phil stood up and looked down at his complicated son. “I’m proud of ya Ben. Be ‘appy, that’s my advice if ya want it.”</p><p>Ben sat at the table for a little longer after his dad went. He wanted his dad to give up the hard life and wasn’t sure how he could make that happen. He felt the weight of his dad’s expectations constantly so to turn that around and accept that he placed expectations on his dad was causing his head to spin. He needed to talk to Callum. Getting up from the table, he went to the door to the living room. Callum spotted immediately that Ben was troubled and came to join him in the kitchen. Ben explained the conversation.</p><p>“What do you reckon?” he asked Callum. Callum reached across the table and grasped Ben’s hands.</p><p>“It sounds like he sees you and accepts you,” assured Callum. “I think he IS proud of ya like he says. But you know that it’s not always been that way so it’s ‘ard for you to make sense of. Your dad has got a lot to make up for. But ya gotta let ‘im try, don’t ya?” Ben stood up to hug Callum, burying his face in Callum’s hair.</p><p>“I’m lucky to ‘ave you, y’know?” he murmured.</p><p>“I’m proud of ya as well, Ben,” said Callum, pulling his boyfriend in close. “You’re amazin’ havin’ that talk with yer dad. Proper brave, the kind o’ brave that counts.”</p><p>“Just tryin’ to be me,” Ben replied.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Someone to turn to</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bobby sat in his room quietly. He had done his prayers and, as usual, he felt restored and calm. He could hear Kathy and Ian arguing downstairs and Sharon weeping in her room. He was trying hard to be a good person, to be kind and honest and to help others but it was a challenge in this unhappy house. He didn’t like to look back, there was too much pain, although he couldn’t help but remember the laughing, teasing and playing games that had been part of living with Ben, Lola and Lexi. He got up and knocked on Sharon’s door. The crying halted abruptly.</p><p>“Sharon? Can I get you a cup of tea?” offered Bobby. There was a bit of snuffling before Sharon replied,</p><p>“Thank you Bobby. You make it and I’ll be down in a minute. You gonna have one with me, darlin’?” Bobby smiled. Sharon was always lovely with him. He knew what she had done but he believed in forgiveness. He was conflicted because he loved his Uncle Ben and Sharon had hurt him. Ben had been a comforting presence in this house and Bobby missed him. He wanted to help Ben forgive Sharon so that he could let go of that pain but Ben was showing no sign of being ready for this.</p><p>Downstairs, Kathy and Ian stopped arguing immediately as Bobby entered the room.</p><p>“Alright love?” checked Kathy, shooting a warning glance at Ian.</p><p>“I’m going to make us all tea,” announced Bobby. “Is there any cake?”</p><p>“You’re in luck,” smiled Kathy, joining Bobby in the kitchen. “I brought lemon drizzle back from the café.” Bobby set the table like they were in a lovely country café, using Ian’s best but rarely used china, ignoring his protests that it was just for special occasions, and the beautiful embroidered napkins that lived in the bottom drawer never touched. His dad and Sharon were in their fifties and his nan was somewhere near seventy, although she kept her age a closely guarded secret. Bobby wanted it be a nice occasion for them so put on some of his dad’s eighties music. Ian, Kathy and Sharon could all see Bobby’s intention and set about enjoying themselves at least for his sake.</p><p>“Oh I remember this one,” Kathy exclaimed, breaking into song with Sharon joining in. “All for freedom and for pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever, everybody wants to rule the world,” they sang, with even Ian joining in the last line. Bobby felt his spirits lift. The three of them chatted about favourite artists, concerts they’d been to and, for Kathy and Sharon, how big their hair had been. Ian got out some old photos and they all laughed. It changed the energy in the house and calmed all of them.</p><p>“Why don’t I make dinner tonight?” offered Sharon. “I just need to pick up some bits from the Minute Mart. You’ll help me carry the bags, won’t ya darlin’?” she smiled at Bobby.</p><p>Denny watched Bobby leave the Beale house with Sharon. Sharon was laughing and gave Bobby a quick squeeze. Denny felt his blood start to boil; he had a vicious temper and a cruel streak and hadn’t learned to regulate these. He thought Bobby was pathetic and didn’t understand why his mum had so much time for him. It wasn’t just his mum, it was Ben and it was Callum as well. Denny could see how much Ben was into Callum. He idolised Ben so he wanted Callum to like him. Callum was friendly to Denny on the surface but Denny had picked up some disapproval. Callum had caught him threatening Lexi to keep her mouth shut about when she caught him taking some cash from Phil’s wallet. He’d actually told him off, Denny remembered furiously, like he was ten. Then Callum had told him not to disrespect Sharon when Denny was slagging her off one day. Like it was any of his business. But Callum loved Bobby of course, thought Denny bitterly. He talked to him like he was an adult, even though he was only a couple of years older than Denny. It made Denny seethe.</p><p>+++</p><p>Bobby stared with horror at his phone. The message was disgusting. It showed Bobby as a terrorist, with a machete held over a man’s neck. ‘This man is in our community’ the message read. As ludicrous as the picture looked with Bobby’s baby face peering out of a man’s clothing, the photo editing was good. He felt his chest tightening and his breath shorten. He had no idea who would do this to him. He was kind to everybody. He lived a good life. Why was this happening? He stared at the message and the number of the sender with no recognition. He knew he couldn’t show his dad. Ian had really struggled with Bobby’s conversion to Islam and had not even turned up to the ceremony. When Ian realised how many of his electorate were muslims he took more of an interest in Bobby’s faith but Bobby knew Ian’s ignorance ran deep. Kathy was supportive but she wouldn’t understand the danger of this going online. He was scared to look on social media knowing that he would panic if he saw it had been shared more widely. He realised that he couldn’t stick his head in the sand about this; he had to act quickly. He needed help and, even though it was the middle of the night, he set off to see Ben and Callum.</p><p>Ben and Callum were up but were startled to hear the buzzer at such a late hour.</p><p>“It’s Bobby,” Callum told Ben, replacing the handset after buzzing in Bobby. “Somethin’s up.”</p><p>Bobby had never been in Callum’s flat and was hit by the pink psychedelia as he walked in. Even with everything going on his head, he was momentarily distracted. Callum laughed.</p><p>“Honey did it like this when she lived ‘ere. I know – it’s a bit alarmin’. One day I will redecorate. Can I get you a drink Bobby?” There was no answer coming from Bobby, so Callum guided Bobby to sit down. Bobby sat obediently but was completely withdrawn, his eyes blank.</p><p>“Bobby?” Ben grasped his nephew’s arm gently. Bobby didn’t look at either of them, merely reached into his pocket, opened his phone and handed it to Ben. Ben looked at it, his eyes narrowing as he saw the message. “Fuck!” He handed the phone to Callum before turning back to Bobby. “We’re gonna help you, Bobby,” he said comfortingly, keeping his voice soft even though he was appalled. Bobby started to cry then, partly because of the shock and partly with relief that he had support. Ben quickly got hold of him.</p><p>“Bobby, come ‘ere. I’ve got ya,” he whispered in his nephew’s ear. Bobby had come so far. He had persisted with his efforts to regulate his emotions and to find some peace in his turmoil. It had taken determination and strength, more than Bobby could be expected to have. He had been worn out and discouraged for months and Ian, Kathy and Ben had all tried to carry him when he would allow it.</p><p>“Is it anywhere else?” asked Bobby. Callum picked up his own phone and searched as Ben and Bobby watched him. Callum suddenly froze and looked up.</p><p>“Nobody you know, who knows you, will believe this,” he said, wanting to reassure Bobby. He reached forward to hold Bobby’s hand. “A group called ‘Walford is White’ have posted it,” he said, his voice low and angry. “We need to go to the police, Bobby.” At this, Bobby suddenly became hysterical, jumping to his feet, shouting incoherent words and flinging his arms out jerkily. The tears were coming thick and fast and he was almost screaming in pain.</p><p>“Okay, not the police, Bobby,” Ben reassured, attempting to hold his nephew, and getting a smack in the face for his trouble. “Not yet,” he mouthed at Callum, knowing that his boyfriend would insist on the police. An hour later, Bobby was still in pieces, sobbing and shaking, but sat down. Ben sat with him, holding him and stroking him, reassuring him that everything would be okay.</p><p>“I need to let your dad and nan know you’re here,” Ben said. Bobby stiffened immediately. “It’s ok mate, I’ll spin ‘em a line.” Ben waved Callum over to take over holding Bobby, while he messaged Ian and Kathy. A line was needed that would buy Bobby some time and Ben stretched his numb legs and arms while he was thinking.</p><p>
  <em>think he might have forgotten to let you know it was late after the film so bobby stayed with me and callum </em>
</p><p>Callum obviously had a calming effect as, when Ben turned round, Bobby had fallen asleep on Callum, his mouth open, his face still troubled.</p><p>“This IS somethin’ for the police, Ben,” Callum whispered.</p><p>“Yeah, I know. But Bobby has history with police stations. He’s frightened. Also, they would want Ian with him, not either of us. An’ he didn’t tell Ian, he told us.” Ben’s ability to look at the situation from all sides impressed Callum. It often seemed like Ben was impetuous and acted on his emotions, but here was an instance where he had looked at the whole picture, and was able to think and prioritise. Callum frequently saw this capable and strong side of Ben and it saddened him that others didn’t.</p><p>“So what’re we gonna do?” asked Callum.</p><p>“We go to bed and try to get a few hours of kip. In the morning, we get Ian over and we go to the police.” Ben was able to come up with a plan, but he always valued Callum’s opinions as he often added something Ben hadn’t considered. “What d’ya think?” Callum nodded.</p><p>“But let’s get the police to come here,” he suggested.</p><p>They lifted Bobby into their bed, not wanting him to wake up on his own, wanting him to feel safe, and soon all three of them were asleep.</p><p>+++</p><p>Bobby woke first, disorientated at his surroundings. To his left was Callum, flat on his back, snoring lightly. To his right was Ben, curled up into a ball, his face soft in sleep. He felt cocooned by the two men and it took him a moment to remember why he was here. He looked up at the ceiling as the weight of his situation started to bear down and turned to Ben for reassurance. Ben was now awake and watching him.</p><p>“Hey,” Ben whispered. He was quiet but it was enough to stir Callum who sat up.</p><p>“Let me go and make hot chocolate,” he said, jumping out of bed. Ben’s heart ballooned with love for him and his ability to say exactly the right thing. Bobby almost started crying again at the care these two were showing.</p><p>“You’re right Callum,” said Bobby.</p><p>“About hot chocolate?” Callum asked, surprised. “It is a great drink in the morning, well any time really.”</p><p>“About the police.” Ben and Callum glanced at each other. This was a good start. Ben sat up in the bed and pulled Bobby up with him.</p><p>“Okay, good,” said Ben, taking care to keep Bobby comfortable. “Now, Callum thinks we can get them to come here.” Bobby looked immensely relieved, tears pricking his eyes again.</p><p>“Really?” he said. He could feel his pounding heart easing off and his breath returning to something nearer normal.</p><p>“Yeah,” said Ben, hesitating and wondering about the best approach then deciding to be straightforward. “They will want your dad here.” Fortunately, Bobby was nodding.</p><p>“But you’ll stay? You and Callum?” Bobby looked young for his age anyway but, in this moment, he looked half his age. Ben’s heart twisted at his nephew’s vulnerability. Bobby was so determined that love and respect could triumph. Ben did not want to disabuse him of this - it was a worthy goal - but he wanted Bobby to wield his kindness like a sword, so that it made him powerful. A story from Lexi’s reading book where the sun and the wind competed to remove a coat from a man’s back popped into his head and he wondered suddenly if Bobby wielded a different sort of power, so he said,</p><p>“However you want to play it, chief.” Bobby smiled, strengthened by Ben’s belief in him. “But I’m gonna go over and get yer dad so that he doesn’t arrive ‘ere kickin’ off.” The smile faded.</p><p>Leaving Callum to call the police with Bobby, Ben walked to the square. The market was awakening. He didn’t know if he was imagining it but a lot of people seemed to be looking at and sharing their phones. Ben was glad Bobby couldn’t see it. As he arrived at the Ian’s, Ian, Kathy and Sharon were sitting down to breakfast. They were horrified when Ben showed them the post.</p><p>“It was sent to Bobby in a direct message,” Ben explained. “When he got the message, he came over to me and Callum. He was proper upset. He hadn’t seen how it’d been posted online. We found all of this last night.” Predictably, Ian asked the wrong question.</p><p>“Why did he come to you?”</p><p>“Not important Ian. What’s important is that we’ve got the police coming round, and you need to be there.” Ben had anticipated this but was still irritated.</p><p>“If Bobby is talking to the police, it will be in MY house,” asserted Ian. Ben took a deep breath and forced himself to wait patiently for Ian to realise that it might not be the best idea to be heavy-handed with Bobby. Kathy realised what he was doing and waited as well.</p><p>“Ben, Bobby is Ian’s son,” Sharon started to speak but stopped when Ben’s head snapped round and she saw the furious look on his face.</p><p>“What’s important is that Bobby had people he could turn to for support.” Ben was determined to play it Bobby’s way and he would not let Ian, and definitely not Sharon, change that. “I have promised him that he can call the shots. He wants the police to come to our flat, he wants me and Callum there, he knows I am here to get Ian,” he bossed. However, he knew this would go better if he was conciliatory, so he sat down at the table with them all. “I am not underminin’ anyone’s parentin’. I get it. If this was Lex, I would want to be the one she turned to. But if it was someone else, especially family, I would suck it up.” Ian scowled and got his coat.</p><p>+++</p><p>Ian’s face when he saw the flat décor was a picture of snootiness.</p><p>“Did you choose this?” he asked Callum, pointing at the pink and the flowers.</p><p>“Yeah, cheerful ain’t it?” replied Callum, straight-faced. Ben snorted and Bobby quickly suppressed a laugh causing Ian to look suspiciously at them all. “Can I get you a drink Ian?”</p><p>“Coffee.” Callum stared at him, shocked – and not - at the rudeness, then set about scouring the cupboards for the rainbow mug; Ian was going to get his coffee in the gayest cup Callum could find.</p><p>Ian managed to be supportive of Bobby, checking that he was comfortable with the prospect of talking to the police and asking him if he’d got any sleep. Ben watched him, reflecting that Ian was single after six weddings and five wives, his daughter and his stepson were dead and he had another son living in New Zealand. His life was a tragedy and Bobby was really all he had left. He resolved to try to be more patient with his brother.</p><p>Ben’s musings were disturbed by the buzzer. Callum let in two plain clothes officers. They were from the Counter Terrorism Investigations Unit. Ben was relieved that, for once, he wasn’t having to deal with Walford Nick and their prejudice against his family.</p><p>It turned out they were already aware of the post. They had no intelligence on ‘Walford is White’, explaining that the group had appeared the previous day and its online following seemed to be growing.</p><p>“We are actively investigating this group,” reassured the officer. “But, our feeling is that the message sent to you, Bobby, was more personal. Somebody is trying to hurt you and discredit you. Have you had an argument with a friend or someone at school?”</p><p>“Bobby isn’t at school. He has private tutors,” Ian butted in. He was sitting with Bobby; Ben and Callum were across the room, watching Ian’s pomposity with some frustration.</p><p>“A friend then,” persisted the officer, looking straight at Bobby.</p><p>“I follow the teachings of Islam,” Bobby stated. “I try to be kind always.” Everybody sat quietly for a few moments, waiting for him to continue, except for Callum who had an inkling that this was a truth for Bobby that encapsulated everything. Bobby looked around at the adults and started to panic, not knowing what else they wanted him to say. Callum nodded at him reassuringly and he relaxed a little.</p><p>“Can you think of anybody who has a problem with that, Bobby?” enquired the officer gently, skilfully picking up on the interchange between Callum and Bobby.</p><p>“I don’t hurt people,” Bobby said anxiously, thinking that they didn’t believe him and becoming distressed. He stood up, looking at Ben for help.</p><p>“We need to find out who did this to you Bobby. We need to stop them, yeah?” At Ben’s voice, Bobby sat back down. Ian placed on hand on Bobby’s arm.</p><p>“Are you alright Bobby?” he asked softly. Bobby had withdrawn into himself and was rocking slightly on the seat. Ian looked at the officer with a silent plea to stop, which was picked up on immediately.</p><p>“If you can think of anything, Bobby, call this number,” the officer handed him a card. “We will investigate this for you.”</p><p>After they had left, Ian sank back in the settee. He reached for Bobby and pulled him into a hug. Bobby clung to his dad, absorbing the reassurance.</p><p>“I’m sorry this has happened to you,” Ian said, stroking Bobby’s head. “And … I’m glad you had someone to turn to.” He looked at his brother. “Thanks Ben. And you Callum.”</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Mess and mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Bobby and Callum – it had to be done!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The situation went from bad to worse for Bobby. Everybody and their dog seemed to have seen the post. Callum was right – those who knew Bobby recognised it as a horrible incident of cyber-abuse. But lots of people only knew Bobby by sight, and their judging eyes followed him around. His mosque rallied round, many of them sharing stories of abuse, but Bobby felt lost. Again.</p><p>“What d’ya think about coming to Ruby’s boat party?” suggested Ben, visiting Bobby at home. “Denny’s gonna be there so you would have someone, y’know, younger to hang out wiv.”</p><p>“Denny hates me,” muttered Bobby, aware that Sharon was at the other end of the room.</p><p>“Denny is not going on that boat,” Sharon called out. Ben completely ignored her. He sat closer to Bobby so they could talk quietly.</p><p>“Why d’ya think that?” he asked. He had no doubt that Bobby was telling the truth. Ben had been having some trouble with Denny acting up and it was easy to believe that Denny would be mean to Bobby. Ben had wondered if the problem was that Denny was missing his mum but he wasn’t minded to reunite them. Earlier that day, he had thought it might be good to get Bobby and Denny together hoping that Bobby’s calm might rub off on Denny so had made the offer of the boat party to Denny as well. Maybe that had been a mistake. It had been a bit of an effort to get Ruby to agree and he was now thinking that he shouldn’t have bothered. But Ben was not prepared for what Bobby said next.</p><p>“Denny sent that message,” whispered Bobby, getting out his phone and showing it to Ben. Ben looked at the ‘Walford is White’ post and saw that it had been liked by Denny. Bobby flicked to another post. Ben could see Denny had commented on this one. His throat went dry. It was pure vitriol. Bobby then brought up a new direct message from the sender of the original message. The words were the same as the comment they had just looked at. Ben didn’t know what to say. He was finding it hard to process that his Denny could have done this to his Bobby. Why? Bobby was extremely agitated and a thought flitted across Ben’s mind: was Bobby worried about telling him about Denny? He didn’t want that; he wanted Bobby to trust him.</p><p>“I can sort him, Bobby,” he said. “I think I should. You ‘appy with that?” Bobby looked at him with eyes full of pain and nodded, handing over his phone.</p><p>+++</p><p>Ben sent Denny a message to meet him at The Arches and Denny turned up enthusiastically hoping this meant Ben finally had a job for him; he’d been asking for long enough. Without a word, Ben placed Bobby’s phone on the desk and beckoned Denny over to sit on the chair to look, sternly showing him the posts and the messages. Denny glared at him and got up.</p><p>“I’m not stickin’ around for this,” he spat, heading for the door. Ben got there first and locked it.</p><p>“You’re not going anywhere. You did this to Bobby! To Bobby!” he shouted. “Why would you do that? After everythin’ Bobby’s been through! What’s Bobby ever done to you?” Denny folded his arms and glared at Ben.</p><p>“What’s so great about Bobby?” he demanded. “He murdered his sister and crippled his mum! But, no, everyone LOVES Bobby!” Ben was stunned.</p><p>“What’re ya sayin’ Denny? That Bobby’s a bad person and ya took it upon yerself to ruin ‘im?” Denny was still looking defiant.</p><p>“I’m sayin’,” he hissed, “that people shouldn’t think he’s so great.” Realisation dawned on Ben.</p><p>“What people?” he questioned. Denny looked at the ceiling, then down at the floor. “You’re talkin’ about yer mum, aren’t ya?” Ben pushed. Denny snapped his head up to look at Ben, quickly losing his temper.</p><p>“I don’t care about that slapper!” he yelled, starting to cry and livid with himself for it. He kicked the chair, grabbed a hammer and banged the workbench furiously, then sat on his haunches, head down and crying. Ben dropped down and held on to his brother’s shoulders, speaking more gently.</p><p>“Yeah you do care Denny. And ya should.” He heaved a sigh, scarcely able to believe that he was about to present Sharon’s defence, unknowingly using the same words Sharon had used to Louise. “Life is messy Denny. For everyone. An’ everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes big mistakes. Bobby and me, we’ve killed people. Not deliberately, but they’re still dead. Other people ‘ave affairs. They lie. Sharon an’ dad ‘ave been ‘ere before. You gotta grow up now, too fast, an’ I’m sorry for that for ya.” He pulled Denny to standing and looked directly in his eyes. “It’s time to forgive yer mum.”</p><p>+++</p><p>Callum was having a rare moment of not envying Ben for his family. The whole situation was a mess.</p><p>“So Denny and Sharon are back on speaking terms?” He watched Ben chewing his fingers and wondered if it could be considered as self-harm; Ben ripped the skin until it bled sometimes.</p><p>“Yeah,” sighed Ben. Callum believed that healthy relationships replace selfishness with sacrifice and was quietly impressed that Ben had orchestrated this reunion. He had observed a closeness between Sharon and Ben before everything happened; they shared a mischievous sense of humour. Maybe they could get back there. He brought his mind back to Bobby and Denny.</p><p>“Has he apologised to Bobby?” asked Callum; his opinion was that an apology would be just the start of Denny’s reparation.</p><p>“He’s avoidin’ me and I don’t reckon he’s sorry at all,” said Ben, his tone resigned. “But puttin’ the problem of Denny aside, who else gets to know? Bobby’s dad? Denny’s mum? Denny’s dad? You know who they are, right? It’s such a fuckin’ mess. If this ‘appened to Lexi, I would want to know who did it an’ I would want to hurt them back.”</p><p>Callum didn’t know what to say. He understood what Ben was saying and knew it would be counter-productive to suggest that revenge would not improve anything. Maybe it would be better, if possible, to keep it from the parents. He cleared away the dinner things as a distraction but found himself thinking hard about possible solutions. He was concerned mostly about Bobby. Bobby still carried the weight of people’s stares. The police had organised for the original post to be removed, so that was something, but damage had been done and it had not been fixed. Denny had been offered understanding and a way forward, although there was still the matter of the content of Denny’s posts to be addressed.</p><p>“What about the hate posts?” Callum called to Ben as he washed the plates. Ben walked over and grabbed a tea towel. He was profoundly disturbed by what Denny had written and was determined to deal with it.</p><p>“It needs raisin’,” he said implacably. “I need to ‘ave another conversation with ‘im.” They carried on washing and drying, both thinking about what to do next.</p><p>“Can I talk to Bobby?” Callum suggested cautiously, not looking at Ben, focusing on cleaning the sink. He didn’t want Ben to think he was interfering in Ben’s family.</p><p>“Yeah course. ‘bout what?” Ben put the plates away while watching Callum and wondering why he was being so tentative.</p><p>“If I explain about Denny, I mean, I know YOU could but it might seem like you … put Denny’s needs first, not that ya did, I know that, but Bobby might see it wrong.” Callum stopped, aware that he was babbling. “I might be able to persuade him that Sharon, Phil and Ian don’t need to know.”</p><p>Standing behind Callum, Ben put his arms around Callum’s waist and put his cheek against his back, feeling his strong muscles and smelling a faint whiff of cologne mixed with Callum’s own musky smell. It was hugely comforting. He and Callum were a team and this thing with Bobby showed it off. Sometimes he got scared that what he had with Callum was so good that if they broke up he would not recover. He turned Callum round and gazed into his beautiful blue eyes.</p><p>“I never thought we’d work out,” he said earnestly.</p><p>“What? Why not?” said Callum, wondering how they had got to this point.</p><p>“’Cause you’re a good person and I’m not,” stated Ben, putting his fears into words. “But,” he said in a serious voice, holding Callum’s eyes with his own, “YOU make me wanna be better, you make me think I CAN be better.”</p><p>“You ARE a good person Ben. You just make mistakes. We all do.” Callum leaned down to kiss Ben, wet hands around his head, a lingering kiss that promised the world.</p><p>+++</p><p>Callum decided to take Bobby for a drive and arranged with Ben to borrow a car from the car lot. Ben was curious about Callum’s reasoning.</p><p>“In a car, there’s no runnin’ off, no-one’s gonna interrupt ya and sitting side by side might be less threatenin’,” explained Callum. Ben filed the idea away for future use. However, when Callum proposed the outing to Bobby, he encountered resistance.</p><p>“I’m not leavin’ the house except for mosque,” Bobby told Callum. “People look at me like … well, y’know.”</p><p>“You’re gonna walk out there with your head held high, and I’m gonna be right there next to you.” Callum wasn’t taking no for an answer and a few minutes later Bobby found himself marching through the square, running slightly to keep up with Callum’s long strides.</p><p>“Where are we goin’?” he whined as they stopped at the car lot.</p><p>“We’re goin’ for a drive,” explained Callum. “Is there anywhere you haven’t been that you’d like to visit?” Callum’s enthusiasm was infectious and Bobby decided he liked the idea of an outing. “That’s not too far away,” qualified Callum.</p><p>“Yeah, Saffron Walden,” announced Bobby. Callum looked at the young boy in surprise. He recognised the name but he didn’t know where it was. “It’s up near Cambridge,” Bobby informed him. “I had a friend … inside … his nan lived there and he had pictures. It just looked nice. An’ I liked the name.” Callum got out his phone. It was about an hour away; that was perfect, he thought.</p><p>“Okay, Saffron Walden it is.”</p><p>The journey was surprisingly easy. Callum had no idea it was so straightforward to get out of the East End into Essex. He rarely drove and was enjoying the feeling of it; he had to remind himself that this journey had a purpose. He steadied himself and started talking.</p><p>“So, Bobby, you know Denny was behind the abuse.” He glanced at Bobby to see him suddenly become still. “Why do you think he did it?” He settled himself expecting Bobby to think about it but Bobby answered immediately.</p><p>“He’s full of hate.”</p><p>“Okay, but why is he full of hate? And why pick on you?” Bobby took several minutes to give these questions some thought.</p><p>“I don’t know,” he admitted eventually.</p><p>“Y’ see,” continued Callum, “I think you’re a bit like me and you’re pretty good at guessin’ why people do things. Why d’ya think he might have done it?” He left the question hanging there, willing to wait until Bobby was ready to answer. It turned out to be a while. Bobby spent the time observing the countryside and talking about what he could see.</p><p>“Is this all farms, d’ya think? It must be good to live on a farm, away from … people.”</p><p>“I’ve heard it’s tough. You ‘ave to get up proper early and the work is hard. I’m a city boy, meself, I like people around.” Callum was happy for the conversation to meander.</p><p>“I do like people.” Bobby’s tone quietened. He had been thinking about Callum’s questions and was ready to answer. He gathered his thoughts and started to explain. “Denny’s hurt by his family splittin’ up. He’s got almost everyone lookin’ after him but I reckon he misses his mum. I miss my mum. And now Sharon’s livin’ in our house. I know what she did but … everyone deserves forgiveness. She’s lovely to me and I like her and, well, Denny might’ve noticed. But it’s alright, I think they’re making up.” Callum looked fondly at Bobby, this desperately lost boy with a troubled past and a heap of goodness. There had been a throwaway reference in there to Bobby’s mum. Callum, with his own experience, wondered how deep this particular pain went. It was a conversation for another day.</p><p>“Sounds about right, I reckon,” he agreed. “But where does that leave you?”</p><p>“Uncle Ben said he was gonna sort it,” Bobby said confidently.</p><p>“Then he will,” assured Callum. “How d’ya think he’s gonna sort it? I mean, it sounds like he might have already stopped Denny from feelin’ so bad that he takes it out on you, from what you’re tellin’ me about Denny and Sharon, but is that enough for you? What would make you feel better?”</p><p>“Has he not discussed it with you?” asked Bobby curiously. “You an’ ‘im, it’s like you talk about everythin’.”</p><p>“We try,” said Callum. “We talk a lot about honesty. But Ben and me, we make mistakes just like everyone else in the world. Sometimes we don’t tell each other stuff ‘cause there isn’t a good time or ‘cause we think the other one of us will worry too much. Sometimes we don’t say stuff ‘cause we’re embarrassed or ashamed. But it’s always best if we talk.” Callum heard his own words and reflected that this could be a lesson for him as well.</p><p>“He has talked about this, though, hasn’t he, Uncle Callum?” Bobby didn’t give any conscious thought to the name he used but Callum’s heart swelled. “An’ he doesn’t know if he should tell my dad and Sharon and Phil ‘cause … then there would be a big row.”</p><p>“You are smart, y’know, perceptive,” Callum laughed. “You’ve got the problem exactly. I hope you don’t mind me bein’ here not Ben.”</p><p>“I’m glad it’s you,” smiled Bobby. “Uncle Ben would never ‘ave agreed to Saffron Walden.”</p><p>Saffron Walden turned out to be a pretty town with a market square crowded with stalls that sold artisan breads, fancy cheese and the like. Bobby and Callum talked about how different it was to the Bridge Street market off Albert Square. They were both interested in food and spent some time tasting the samples on various stalls.</p><p>“You can do this at Borough Market,” chatted Bobby, “but I like the farmers’ stalls here.” This led on to a discussion about food miles; they were in agreement that local food was best. The walk allowed them to rationally go over the pros and cons of exposing Denny’s crimes. Bobby didn’t want any more devastation in his family and he definitely didn’t want his family to be at odds with Ben’s family.</p><p>“I want Denny to talk to me about it,” he decided. Callum agreed that was fair.</p><p>On the way back, they decided on a scenic route rather than the motorway. The sky was a crisp blue and the landscape was sleeping peacefully. Villages with big churches and tiny houses painted soft colours came and went. White boarded farmhouses and black boarded barns sat in the background. Old windmills with peeling paint rested after their industrious lives. It was beautiful and the drive refreshed them both.</p><p>“I had a mate in the army,” said Callum, “who used to say he was gonna leave London an’ move to England. I kind of get what he was sayin’ now.” Bobby nodded in silent understanding. Arriving back in Walford, they both agreed it had been a great day and resolved to do it again in the summer, maybe in a convertible if Ben had one in. As they got out of the car, their camaraderie was evident. They didn’t know that Denny was watching and that his jealousy had been freshly rekindled.</p><p>+++</p><p>‘Walford is White’ gained traction quickly and there were increased numbers of aggravators hanging around the square. Ian was incensed. As a local councillor, he thought he should deal with the situation, although he was more inclined to voice his opinions at the breakfast table than in the council chamber. He had stood as an independent and the council was held by Labour but there was a significant group of the far-right party ‘Best 4 Britain’ who were vocal in their sympathy for ‘Walford is White’. Ian didn’t agree with them but was not going to speak up. Self-preservation, he called it.</p><p>Denny was round at the Beale house to see Sharon and, unlike Ian, he wasn’t afraid to say his piece.</p><p>“I think they’ve got a point,” he asserted. Bobby stared at him dumbfounded. He was waiting for Denny to talk to him, to apologise, but this sounded like the opposite of that.</p><p>“Denny,” warned Sharon gently. “That group attacked Bobby.”</p><p>“No they didn’t,” refuted Denny, looking at Bobby without a hint of remorse. “The pigs said that was a different thing. Personal didn’t they say, Bob?” His gaze was belligerent and challenging. Bobby could feel the heat rising in his face and had an uncontrollable urge to flee. He got up without making eye contact with anybody and ran upstairs.</p><p>“We do not use language like that in this house,” scolded Ian, watching Bobby rush out of the room. He turned to Denny angrily. “You need to be more careful Denny. Bobby’s not in a good place.”</p><p>“I can discipline my son, Ian,” Sharon warned as Denny smirked at Ian behind her back. Kathy watched, privately thinking that Sharon didn’t manage Denny well at all. Sometimes Denny was a loveable rogue, easy to like with his mischievous cheekiness. This was not one of those times.</p><p>“Is it okay to come in?” called a voice from the kitchen door. Kathy’s face lit up.</p><p>“Yes love,” she called and turned to hug Callum, who dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “What can we do for you?” Callum greeted everybody by name and sat down. He was on a mission.</p><p>Denny had been successfully avoiding Ben so Ben had come up with a plan to get Bobby and Denny in the same space. He had previously arranged with Ruby for the boys to attend the boat party and, inspired by Callum using the car as a difficult conversation venue, he thought the boat could serve a similar purpose. Callum had pointed out that it was likely to be a bit busy but Ben thought it would be too cold for people to be partying outside, so they could use the outside area to engineer a mediation between Bobby and Denny. Denny was desperate to go to the party so would definitely agree to going. Ben knew Sharon had forbidden it though, and would be stubborn about it if he asked, so he sent Callum to secure permission. It had all the hallmarks of a typically convoluted Ben plan.</p><p>“Ben’s had to go to a job, but ‘im and me wondered who’s goin’ to the boat party tomorrow,” Callum began.</p><p>“I’m goin’ with Ben,” announced Denny. Callum looked straight at Sharon and said neutrally,</p><p>“Ben says you don’t want Denny to go, Sharon.”</p><p>“He’s not goin’,” Sharon insisted. Denny looked mutinous and she tried to mollify him. “I can’t go, Denny. This baby is comin’ any day now. An’ I want you around when your brother is born.” Denny stood up and banged his chair against the table.</p><p>“I’ve got a brother. His name is Ben.” He slammed the door on his way out.</p><p>“It’s just gonna take him some time,” excused Sharon as Kathy and Ian looked unconvinced.</p><p>“Me and Bobby are going,” said Ian addressing Sharon. “I can look after Denny on the boat … if you’re okay with that.” Sharon was tired and feeling hassled by her son. She didn’t want Denny in the delivery room with her so maybe it would be for the best if he went to the party with Ian. Her emotions were all over the place and she really wanted to go back to bed and have a good cry.</p><p>“I’m not going to the party. I’m going to stay with you, Sharon, unless you’ve got someone else,” said Kathy firmly. She had observed that Sharon didn’t seem to have made any plans regarding the upcoming birth. So, she had prepared a bag to bring out if Sharon didn’t have one and had ensured all her shifts could be covered so that she could go to the hospital at a moment’s notice. Sharon’s mum, Angie, had been Kathy’s best friend once; there was no way Kathy was going to let Angie’s baby have a baby by herself.</p><p>“How about this, Sharon,” suggested Callum giving her a soft, persuasive smile, “if your baby doesn’t come tomorrow, we’ll all look after Denny at the party and bring him straight to the hospital if needed.” Callum’s calm reason and solid strength reassured Sharon and she nodded tearfully. She was overwhelmed by the compassion being shown and the support being offered. She was the adopted only child of parents who were long gone so she knew how to look after herself. But she also knew life was easier with supportive relationships and, despite everything, she missed Phil. She knew she was lucky to have such good friends around her at this time.</p><p>Callum looked around. “Is Bobby in?”</p><p>“Upstairs, love,” answered Kathy. “Go up. He’ll be pleased to see you.”</p><p>Callum found Bobby in his room, sitting in the corner, hugging his knees. He had been crying. Callum didn’t say anything, just sat next to him and put his arm around his shoulders. They sat for a couple of minutes in silence.</p><p>“Denny?” Callum eventually asked. Bobby nodded. “I’m really sorry Bobby. Ben’s hasn’t been able to get him to talk.” Bobby merely nodded. “And it’s worse now, ain’t it?” Callum continued. “’Cause he’s in your home more so he’s in yer face.” Bobby continued nodding but moved into Callum for comfort. “You got this Bobby,” Callum reassured him. “Stick to yer faith and how it ‘elps you. Come round to mine whenever you want. You can ‘ave a key. Ben and me, we’ll pick up straightaway if you call. Yer dad is the same. You’re not on yer own, Bobby.”</p><p>Bobby was trying to hold on. He knew he had people who loved him and he loved them back. But he was so tired. It was exhausting to keep going, to keep hoping things would improve.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Not holding on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby had organised a coach to take her guests to Tower pier to board the cruiser. She and Whitney had already finished a bottle of champagne over a long lunch and then started another while they were getting ready at Ruby’s flat. Whitney had worked her magic and their coats were amazing.</p><p>“Look at you two!” remarked Lola, boarding the coach. She looked at Ruby and Whitney in their fabulous coats, holding their champagne flutes and felt a little left out of the fun. People knew she had Lexi to look after so they didn’t always include her. Lola had Lexi when she was sixteen and believed that she had missed out on a lot of fun. She adored Lexi but was sad about the lost years. She couldn’t complain about Ben any more; he was a brilliant dad now. They share-cared for Lex so Lola did have lots of free time, but it was not the same as being free.</p><p>Ruby looked down the coach reflecting that the various clans could be easily identified. The Carters were a vision in pink; even Mick was wearing a pink shirt. Linda was already drunk; the rest of them seemed on edge. The Slaters could be heard rather than seen; the cackling was deafening. They were hiding in their seats as they had sneaked booze on board but Ruby knew and didn’t care. The Mitchells had an air of authority, the clear alpha family. The Taylors were another loud rabble with Karen leading their pack. Her outfit, as usual, was indescribably tasteless. Ruby was staring at Karen trying to work out what she was wearing when she caught a look of surprise on Callum’s face and turned round to see his brother Stuart boarding, fully regaled as Captain Hook, with Rainie dressed as Tinkerbell behind him. Ruby felt a giggle bubble up inside her. This was going to be fun!</p><p>The boat was bedecked with fairy lights and all the guests gasped appreciatively when they stepped aboard. Everything was perfect. The canapes were delicious and the drink was plentiful. The residents of Albert Square knew how to party; there was dancing and singing and before long Mo Slater had organised a limbo game. Even Phil was smiling.</p><p>Denny was sneaking drinks. Ian was keeping an eye on him though and soon spotted what was happening.</p><p>“Er, that better just be lemonade,” he said, taking Denny’s drink out of his hand to sniff it. “But it’s not, is it?” he snapped. “I promised your mum I’d look after you so …” He dwindled off as Phil approached.</p><p>“What ya sayin’ to my boy?” he demanded aggressively. Denny picked up the glass again behind Phil’s back and raised it to Ian, grinning, before he downed the contents.</p><p>“He’s thirteen,” Ian protested. “An’ he’s had more to drink than I ‘ave. I promised Sharon I’d look after him.”</p><p>“Well ya don’t need to, do ya?” growled Phil. “His mum’s not ‘ere. But his dad is.”</p><p>Denny might have thought he had the upper hand, but he soon found that Phil would not let him have a sip of anything alcoholic and seemed to have eyes in the back of his head. Taking his chance when Phil went to the loo, he stole a bottle from behind the bar and headed below deck, encountering Bobby sitting on the steps. The two boys looked at each other warily. Despite Bobby being three years older, they were a similar height and Denny was broader. Bobby had been hiding from Ben and Callum, having worked out that they were going to make him and Denny have a conversation. Spontaneously, he decided he could do this himself; he needed answers.</p><p>“Why did ya do it?” His voice was quiet but steely. Denny debated whether to just push past him and get on with his drinking or to get the conversation done once and for all. He had also recognised Ben and Callum’s intention and had been steering clear of them. He decided to get it over and done with.</p><p>“Because I could. Because you’re pathetic. Becomin’ a muslim? Why?” he sneered.</p><p>“Why d’ya care Denny?” said Bobby. “What’s it to you?”</p><p>“You might ‘ave my mum and my brother fooled, but I reckon you ‘aven’t changed. You’re dangerous Bobby. And now you’re a muslim, you’re even more dangerous.”</p><p>“I am not dangerous, an’ being muslim is peaceful,” sighed Bobby.</p><p>“Well, I’m not the only one who thinks it,” crowed Denny. “How many people joined ‘Walford is White’? It’s massive. It’s people who know that if you’re from the East End, you’re white, you’re working class and you’re hard so no-one messes wiv ya.”</p><p>“You’re mad,” muttered Bobby. He wondered who had been talking to Denny to get him thinking like this. The authorities worried about radicalisation in mosques - they needed to widen their view. “I’m sick o’ this Denny. Your mum and dad don’t know. My dad doesn’t know. I haven’t told them. Only Ben and Callum know it was you.”</p><p>“Callum!” exclaimed Denny bitterly. “Treats me like a little kid misbehavin’ an’ treats you like a proper grown up.” Bobby looked at him. Was it not just about Sharon? Was it about Callum as well? “He’ll probably decide I need shoppin’ to the cops when he becomes a copper.”</p><p>“Callum’s not gonna tell anyone,” insisted Bobby.</p><p>“The cops’ll probably work it out anyway,” Denny said, putting the bottle down and sitting down next to Bobby. “And then I’ll be for it. Followin’ the Mitchell tradition of goin’ down as a minor.”</p><p>“They’re not gonna send you down for nasty messages to a sort-of-nephew,” said Bobby, half-smiling at the thought of Denny being his uncle.</p><p>“To who?” queried Denny, mystified.</p><p>“Your brother’s my uncle, which makes you like an uncle, sort of,” clarified Bobby.</p><p>“Shut up!” said Denny but he was half-smiling as well. They sat for a moment, each understanding that they had reached a truce. “I set up ‘Walford is White’,” Denny confessed. He put his head in his hands and screwed up his face. “The police are gonna work it out eventually. I know they are.” Bobby was about to try to reassure Denny when Ian came thundering down the steps, accidentally knocking Bobby over and grabbing Denny by the throat.</p><p>“You did what?” he snarled. “It was you. That vile, poisonous garbage was you!” He dragged Denny up the steps, neither of them noticing that, behind them, Bobby lay on the floor, knocked out by a bang to the head as he fell. Ian hauled Denny to the outside deck bumping into Phil who was out there searching for his youngest son. Ben, looking for both boys, saw Ian pass with Denny in tow and grabbed Callum to follow him outside.</p><p>“Tell him!” screamed Ian. Denny was crying and couldn’t look at his dad.</p><p>“Let ‘im go Ian,” ordered Phil.</p><p>“Not until he tells you what he did. I heard him tellin’ Bobby,” Ian shrieked, anger popping out of him as his eyes and veins bulged and his face turned beetroot coloured.</p><p>“Let. Him. Go.” Phil was angry but calm. Ben watched him warily. Any second now, Phil might erupt and it would be carnage. Ben carefully extracted Denny from Ian’s hold and sat him on a bench. Phil spoke, his tone brooking no lies. “What did ya do, Denny?” Denny heard the message in Phil’s voice. This was serious; he had really messed up. He was frightened now and couldn’t stop the tears. His words garbled through sobs and tears, he told them everything. Partway through he stopped crying and his voice took on a dead tone. It didn’t convey remorse more a disassociation with events. It was the only way he could cope.</p><p>Ian was not happy with the story. It was all about Denny and not at all about Bobby.</p><p>“Why though Denny? Why? And why did you do it to Bobby?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” snivelled Denny. He looked at Ian and became suddenly angry and started to shout. “You want me to explain it to ya. Well I can’t … ‘cause I don’t know.”</p><p>“Oh, well, that’s ok,” snarled Ian savagely. “You ruin Bobby’s life, what, on a whim? You were just in a nasty mood?” He was leaning over Denny, spitting out his words. Denny cowered, crying again. He just wanted it to stop.</p><p>“That’s enough!” roared Phil. “He’s just a kid.” Ian looked up, his eyes seeming as though they might explode and then he launched himself at Phil. Phil hadn’t been expecting it and, in a blink, they both toppled over the guard rail. Callum and Ben looked at each other before dashing to the edge. They couldn’t see anything.</p><p>“Man overboard!” yelled Callum at the pilothouse as Ben grappled with a life ring and hurled it over the side. Callum saw the captain’s head snap up and moments later heard the engine power down. Satisfied that the alarm was raised, he grabbed another life ring and looked for Phil and Ian in the water. It was dark and even though the boat was lit, the water looked pitch black. Denny was paralysed with fear. In a few seconds, crew members were there, trying unsuccessfully to get Ben and Callum away from the rail.</p><p>“I can’t see them,” Callum shouted, peering into the inky depths.</p><p>“Neither could I. I just threw the ring where they might be,” Ben yelled back. The rest of the party had realised something was happening and were trying to come out, held back by the crew.</p><p>Denny was sitting on the bench, clearly shocked. One of the crew noticed him and went over. “It’s my fault,” whispered Denny to her and, without warning, he ran and hurled himself over the side. Callum and Ben looked at each other. Callum could see exactly what Ben was thinking and quickly grabbed him to stop him going too. Denny was a strong swimmer. They could just about see him treading water and scanning the river. He then swam backwards and forwards, obviously thinking he could find Phil and Ian. In moments, the life raft was in the water. Callum had half a memory of a film where someone had gone overboard and the crew tracked the person by pointing at him. He could visualise the scene, with several people pointing so that they didn’t lose the position of the person in the water. Mustering every ounce of calm he could find, he breathed deeply and pointed at Denny, yelling his name repeatedly. The raft crew spotted him and Callum almost wept to see them using his signal to help them search.</p><p>The police launch arrived seconds later, its search light illuminating the watery scene. Callum realised how confusing it was. They were not far from the river’s edge where a large rusting barge was docked, there were several life rafts in the water, the police launch and other dark shapes that Callum couldn’t identify. Denny could be seen diving down, emerging, diving down again. Callum gripped Ben hard with one arm as he could feel him straining towards the edge but maintained his determined tracking of Denny with the other arm. Ben was frantically shouting for Denny, Ian and Phil. It occurred to Callum that this was Ben’s dad and his two brothers in the water; no wonder Ben wanted to get to them. At the edge of the light, Phil momentarily came into sight. It looked like he might be floating on his back, but all that could be clearly seen was his bald head, just for a few seconds before he disappeared again.</p><p>“Dad!” screamed Ben, escaping Callum’s hold. Callum was torn between tracking Denny and chasing Ben. In that split second of indecision, Ben had his leg over the rail. Callum pulled him back as a massive crunching sound juddered through the boat. For a second, it was completely stationary and then, creaking and groaning, it started to list. Ben and Callum both held on tight as the boat tipped, their eyes locked in alarm. Ben lost his hold, and slid across the deck, banging his head, hard, on a wooden bench. He managed to stand up, clearly disorientated and briefly locked eyes again with Callum before falling, his head bouncing on the guard rail. He crumpled to the deck. Callum scrabbled over to him and grabbed hold of his hand, desperately calling his name, only to find himself being pulled away. One of the crew had him; he could see another crew member with Ben. Desperation and panic overwhelmed him. He had lost track of Denny in the water and he had let go of Ben. His chest constricted and the banging in his head drowned out all other sounds. He collapsed.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Kin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ve been backwards and forwards trying to decide whether to stick to the EE story and write Denny’s death. I couldn’t decide so I just started writing and let it take me where it went.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sharon and Kathy were enjoying the quiet evening. Kathy read her book and Sharon flicked through a magazine, trying to ignore the contractions she thought she could feel and then knew she could feel. She didn’t want to spend hours maybe days in the hospital and was determined to go as late as possible.</p><p>“Right. It’s time,” announced Kathy, closing her book.</p><p>“Time for what?” asked Sharon, catching her breath as another wave hit.</p><p>“You’ve been having contractions for at least the last four hours. So, I’m callin’ a cab and we’re goin’ to the hospital.” Kathy had listened to the changes in Sharon’s breathing and noticed the pain swim across her face and the involuntary touches to the bottom of her bump. It had started not long after everybody left and, exactly as could be expected, had got steadily more intense.</p><p>“I need to get a bag together,” argued Sharon. “I haven’t got his things organised yet.”</p><p>“Well, that’s alright, ‘cause I have.” Kathy ran upstairs and came down with the bag. Sharon looked at her in surprise.</p><p>“Alright Mary Poppins,” she laughed, then instantly grimaced as the pain came again. Kathy called for a cab and then sat down with Sharon, holding her hands.</p><p>“I don’t wanna do this,” whispered Sharon. “I don’t want another baby.” Kathy could relate to her fear. She remembered her terror when she gave birth to her first child, Donna, conceived after Kathy was raped as a teenager, then bursting into tears as she walked into the delivery suite to have Ian, the trauma of delivering Donna coming straight back to her in that moment. She remembered clearly the fear and confusion when Ben was born. One thing was certain every time though: not giving birth was not an option.</p><p>“I know,” she soothed, stroking Sharon’s hands. “But, look at you. You’re strong. All that life has thrown at you … and look at you. You’ve got through it all.” She felt Sharon squeeze her hands as the next contraction came. “It’s called labour ‘cause it’s hard work but it’s not too hard for you, Sharon, ‘cause you ‘ave got this.”</p><p>It was frighteningly quick. Within an hour of leaving home, Sharon had given birth to a baby boy. Kathy sat with her after the midwives had left.</p><p>“I was tellin’ the truth, Kathy,” said Sharon, looking down at the bundle in the cot beside her. “I wasn’t just scared. I really don’t want another baby.” She didn’t want to raise Keanu’s son. She couldn’t bear the thought of it.</p><p>“I wasn’t much younger than you when I had Ben,” Kathy said. “He has brought love and laughter into my life. I’m so grateful for him.”</p><p>“You’re not sellin’ it, Kathy,” laughed Sharon. “Ben can be a handful and you know it.”</p><p>“You’re wrong, Sharon,” said Kathy sadly. “Every wrong turn Ben has made has mine and Phil’s fingerprints on it. Ben has had so much to deal with. We didn’t keep him safe.” Sharon observed Kathy’s sorrow and regret. She knew Ben’s story and knew that it went way beyond the usual ups and downs of life. And, despite recent events, she also loved Ben. “But look at ‘im now,” Kathy carried on, her eyes sparkling. “He loves me. He loves Phil. He has that beautiful angel Callum and they are just wonderful together. He has Lexi and she adores him. I get to be part of that as Ben’s mum. I look at the future with Ben and I’m excited.” Sharon reached for Kathy’s hand.</p><p>“You are lucky,” she said and she meant it. But she still didn’t want her baby.</p><p>+++</p><p>The party guests were evacuated on life rafts and deposited on the riverside. Ruby went through the group counting and recounting. The accident co-ordinator, a capable looking man called Nick, was with her.</p><p>“Six people missing,” she said. She could see life rafts, moving up and down with the motion of the river. Were they searching for people in the water? Her heart stalled as she realised who was missing. “Ben Mitchell, Callum Highway are two of them.” She could see Louise approaching, clearly very distressed.</p><p>“I can’t find my dad,” Louise sobbed, “or Ben or Callum or Denny. Nick raised his eyebrows questioningly at Ruby.</p><p>“Phil Mitchell, he’s around 60 I think, bald, and Dennis Rickman, adopted, his son, thirteen.” Ruby was trying hard to be useful. “Ben’s twenty-three, short like five-nine, short brown hair, he’s Phil’s son as well and Callum’s twenty-eight, tall, around six foot, short brown hair. They’ve both got blue eyes. Ben’s got a hearing aid.” Nick spoke quietly into his handset, conveying the information. He listened for a minute and then looked back towards Ruby.</p><p>“We have got Ben. He’s injured and has been taken to Walford General. From your description, we may have Callum as well. He’s been taken to Walford General as well.”</p><p>“What about my dad? And Denny?” cried Louise. A rescue worker came over to help, wrapping Louise in a blanket and talking to her gently. Ruby looked at Nick. He gave away nothing.</p><p>“The other two?” he prompted. Ruby searched her guests, thinking frantically and then it came to her.</p><p>“Ian Beale, early 50s, not tall but not short, I’m not sure, and Bobby Beale, his son, sixteen I think but looks younger, blonde, slight build.” Nick spoke again into his handset and then turned back to Ruby.</p><p>“You’ve been really helpful Ruby. Please stay here with my colleague and I will be back soon.” Ruby allowed herself to be draped in a silver blanket and then went to sit with Louise. She pressed herself up close to the teenager, reached for her hand and tipped her head towards her. Louise felt the action and responded by tipping her head until they rested together. Tears ran down both of their faces.</p><p>The boat was at an acute angle, with one side of the deck submerged. There were ambulances and emergency workers everywhere. The crowd on the riverside could see people being pulled from the water and watched in a horrified hush. Nobody could see who they were but everybody had worked out by now who was missing. Ruby held onto Louise making sure that she didn’t try to see what was happening. Very soon, Nick was back.</p><p>“Using your descriptions, we think we have Phil …” Louise let out a single thankful sob. “He needs medical attention but he is talking. My colleague, Jemma, is going to take you to him Louise.” Jemma helped Louise stand and guided her away. Nick looked grim and Ruby knew the worst had happened.</p><p>“Who’s dead?” she asked bluntly. Nick looked at her. It was not usual for deaths to be confirmed before identification, but he had heard the crowd whispering as he had walked past them. He couldn’t keep this quiet.</p><p>“It appears to be Denny and Ian.” Ruby looked at him blankly, unable to process the information.</p><p>“Are you sure? Both of them?” she whispered, a cold shiver running through every part of her skin. “Are you sure?” Nick crouched in front of her.</p><p>“Ruby, you need somebody here. Who can support you?” She looked across at her neighbours and friends.</p><p>“Martin,” she said, knowing this was the moment she let go of Max and dropped Martin in it with the Slaters. “He’s over there.” One of Nick’s colleagues ran over to find Martin and when she brought him back, Ruby buried herself in his chest and let herself cry freely. Martin wrapped his arms around her not caring who was watching.</p><p>Nick stepped away from Ruby and gathered his team.</p><p>“We have one missing. Bobby Beale. Sixteen, looks young, slight build, blonde. From what Phil was able to tell us, he was not on deck with the other casualties. So, we’re running with the theory that he is still on board, maybe below deck.” Within seconds, he had deployed the search team.</p><p>There was a shocked silence as the paramedics worked on the two bodies on stretchers, and a horrified gasp when the bodies were covered, pronounced dead and a wail from Lola ripped through the cold. Most of the Albert Square party were crying and those that weren’t were too shocked to react.</p><p>“Organise transport,” ordered Nick. “These people need to get home. Make sure contact details are collected from everyone. They’re all going to need follow-up.”</p><p>In the horror, Bobby was forgotten. Nobody asked where he was. Nobody realised that, with Ian and Denny dead, and Phil, Ben and Callum all taken to hospital, Bobby was on his own. When he was found, nobody from Walford was left on the riverside.</p><p>+++</p><p>Sharon spoke to the midwives about giving up her baby. They were supportive, didn’t tell her that she should give it time but explained that there was a process to go through, thus making sure that she gave it time. Kathy left Sharon asleep and, as she walked away from the room, her phone started to buzz.  She looked at her phone surprised to see so many messages coming in one after the other, read the first and ran to the nearest nurses’ station.</p><p>Minutes later she was at Ben’s bedside. He was awake but couldn’t hear her. She checked his ear for his hearing aid.</p><p>“Lost it,” confirmed Ben. “Mum, you need to find Callum. I need to know where he is.”</p><p>“Okay love,” soothed Kathy. With the nurses’ help, she found Callum two bays down. The nurse with him explained that he was sedated and that the extent of his injuries hadn’t been ascertained, but that he was stable. He asked for Callum’s next of kin. Kathy texted Stuart but made sure that the nursing staff knew that Ben was Callum’s partner. Then she headed back to Ben.</p><p>“Kaffy,” called a hoarse voice. Kathy turned in shock to see Phil. He gave her a brief recap of the events on the boat.</p><p>“I feel fine,” he insisted. “But they’re not convinced.” He nodded at the nurse. Kathy had gone deathly white.</p><p>“So Ian’s here? He was in the river with you?” she clarified.</p><p>“Yeah – who were you ‘ere to see?” Phil was confused.</p><p>“It’s Ben. And Callum.” She saw Phil start to react and jumped in to keep him calm. “Ben’s seems ok. He’s lost his hearing aid. Callum … I don’t know. They said he’s stable.” Phil insisted on getting up. There was nothing his nurse could do to stop him.</p><p>“You go an’ look for Ian,” he said to Kathy. “I’ll check on Ben and Callum.” When Phil reached his son’s bed, Ben was not there and Phil correctly surmised that he had gone to find Callum. Reaching Callum’s bay, Phil parted the curtain and saw his son, sitting holding his boyfriend’s hand to his mouth as he kissed it repeatedly. Ben’s eyes widened as he saw Phil and he jumped up, flinging his arms round his dad.</p><p>“Dad, you’re ok, you’re ok.” Ben was beside himself with relief. Phil held on tight to Ben. Part of him hated this kind of emotional scene but part of him, and it was the bigger part today, loved to be held by his affectionate boy and loved to hold him back.</p><p>“What’s ‘appened to Callum?” said Phil gruffly, not wanting Ben to know how close to tears he was. Ben pulled away and looked at his dad.</p><p>“What?” Ben knew he wasn’t going to be able to read Phil’s lips; they barely moved when Phil spoke. Phil had always struggled with Ben’s deafness and Ben was anxious that this latest development might be a problem. “Lost my ‘earin’aid.” He tapped his ear.</p><p>“Callum?” repeated Phil, which Ben read perfectly.</p><p>“I don’t know,” replied Ben dejectedly. “I’m not next of kin so they won’t tell me anyfin’. I just know he’s sedated.” He looked at his dad. “I’m worried about him.”</p><p>“He’s strong, your Callum,” reassured Phil. Ben looked unsure and Phil assumed this was because Ben felt that he didn’t really know Callum. He looked at Ben. “I’m wanna get to know ‘im better. When he wakes up.” Ben concentrated hard, desperate to get the gist and, on this occasion, succeeding. He knew he needed to take over the talking.</p><p>“You’ll terrify him y’know if ya start bein’ all friendly.” Ben sat on Callum’s bed, holding his hand, telling Phil stories about him. Phil listened carefully and laughed his short huff of a laugh at the amusing anecdotes. Ben watched his dad, sitting on the chair, as relaxed as he ever got. It was a precious few minutes, spoiled when Phil’s nurse came and dragged him back to his own bay. Soon after, Stuart arrived.</p><p>“I’m Callum’s next of kin, Ben, so I’m gonna talk to the doctor. Without you ‘ere,” he informed Ben coldly.</p><p>“Callum wouldn’t want that and you know it,” said Ben, more upset than he cared to show Stuart. He couldn’t believe Stuart would shut him out like that. As he walked past the nurses’ station, one of the nurses, Armando, who had heard what Stuart had said, approached Ben, touching his arm gently.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he said. “Your mum said you and Callum are together.” Ben stared at Armando thankfully. He had picked up every word from Armando’s lips. Most people weren’t that clear.</p><p>“Yeah,” said Ben. “Since last October, well since last June, but officially since October. Callum loves his brother, but they’re not that close.”</p><p>“Stuart said they live together,” pointed out Armando.</p><p>“Well yeah, but Stuart moved into Callum’s flat without asking, and then moved his girlfriend in, also without asking. Callum’s just too nice.” Ben closed his eyes and willed himself to be more constructive. “I don’t want to moan about Stuart. But I do need to tell you something. The thing is, Callum, he has … a thing, a problem. He keeps it to himself mostly, but he’s told me bits about it and I’ve been with him when he’s … suffering. It’s PTSD. I know Stu doesn’t know about it. But maybe the doctor should know.” Armando nodded. He already knew about it from Callum’s records but this was confirmation that Callum shared more of his life with Ben than with Stuart.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The boat crash left a trail of destruction through the Mitchell and Beale families.</p><p>Kathy and Sharon stayed together in the Beale house, both numb with shock. They wailed and wept and reached a point where they were frozen in grief and they just couldn’t cry any more. Kathy cleaned obsessively. Every window shone but she cleaned them again. She took down all the pictures of Ian and of Steven, his dead stepson, and of Lucy, his dead daughter. It was too much death and she needed to clean it out of the house. She remembered how Ian had kept Lucy’s room and, determined to avoid Ian’s death taking root in the house, she cleared his room, packing a box of special memories as she went. She put this box underneath her bed, directly underneath her heart as she lay, within easy reach as she couldn’t help but look at the contents every night. Sharon’s appearance deteriorated. She wore an oversized hoodie for days on end, until the smell of it tipped Kathy over the edge and she stole it one night to put it in the wash. Sharon’s false eyelashes, heavy makeup and perfect weave were replaced by puffy eyes, pale, tired, skin and greasy hair. She did nothing except look through photographs of Denny that she had asked Phil to bring over. When he arrived, she wouldn’t look at him, so he put down the box and left without a word. Sharon’s baby was taken by Karen Taylor, his grandmother. Sharon didn’t want him but social care wanted her to make that decision when she wasn’t traumatised; it was agreed that Karen was a good option. She named him Kayden, which would have horrified Sharon if she had been paying attention. Bobby was in the house with Kathy and Sharon but they didn’t see him. He recovered physically from his near-drowning experience but was completely heartbroken by his dad’s death. At sixteen, he had lost all of his immediate family one way or another. He wondered where his mum was and why his brother, Peter, was not answering his calls. He worried that it was because he had been bad; this must be his punishment. Peter was Lucy’s twin and he had left for New Zealand because he couldn’t stand to be around Bobby, or so Bobby believed. He wanted so much to be a good person. He prayed for the strength to be his best possible person not realising how close he was.</p><p>Ben had a series of tests and scans and discovered that he had almost total hearing loss. He struggled to accept the diagnosis, thinking that his hearing might gradually return. He stopped staying at his dad’s, believing that Phil would see him as weak if he realised the extent of the deafness. There was some basis to this fear as Phil had steadfastly ignored Ben’s hearing issues over the years. Ben planned to reconnect with Phil when his hearing was sorted. He buried his grief about his brothers so deep he could almost not think about it. Almost. Callum was also struggling but was receiving good psychiatric care, which he was responding to well. He knew that he needed to have a proper discussion with Ben about his PTSD but it was harder now with Ben not being able to hear and, anyway, they needed to get through the funerals first. Soon, he promised himself. He set about learning to sign after Ben’s doctor recommended it but had to do it away from Ben who had his head firmly in the sand, believing he wasn’t going to need to understand signing because his hearing would come back. Callum wanted time and space to nurture himself and Ben so he asked Stuart and Rainie to find somewhere else to live. He rearranged the furniture and put a photo of him and Ben from a happier time in a frame on the bookshelves. More of Ben’s books were finding their way onto these shelves, many of his clothes were in the wardrobe and it was starting to feel like he lived there. On the surface, Ben was grumpy and ungrateful, a bit like a child who hasn’t learned to self-regulate, but inwardly his heart burned with love for Callum and he could scarcely believe that this amazing man was his partner. Ruby noticed Bobby’s struggles and encouraged him to spend time with Ben and Callum. He was nourished by their commitment to each other and the tangible love in their flat and spent increasing amounts of time there. Ben held him close needing the physical comfort as much as his young nephew. Bobby and Callum talked about turning Ian’s restaurant into a chef school for troubled teens; Callum thought maybe this was a better fit for him than the police and started to investigate youth worker qualifications. Bobby felt some shoots of optimism and Ben was quietly relieved.</p><p>Phil had completely withdrawn into himself, unable to come to terms with the idea that Denny had died trying to save him. He wasn’t back on the booze but he wasn’t looking after himself. Like Sharon he did nothing except look through photographs, but he didn’t have Kathy cleaning so his house became filthy and untidy. He didn’t notice. Lola and Lexi stayed with Billy, Lola’s grandad; Lola refused to clean up after Phil and felt uncomfortable at the Mitchell house without Ben there. This left Louise on her own with Phil. She found it all too much to handle, packed her things one day and moved to Portugal with Peggy to live with her mum. She didn’t even stay for Denny’s funeral. Phil let her go without argument as part of him was pleased to see them leave as he hated them seeing him so broken. He was on his own; he said he wanted it that way. But that was a lie. He desperately missed Sharon and was saddened that Ben was avoiding him. He wondered if Ben blamed him for Denny’s death as much as he blamed himself. He wanted Ben to be happy and could see how happy he was with Callum which meant he could make sense of Ben moving into Callum’s flat, but he missed them both. He missed listening to them whispering and laughing in the bedroom next to his. He missed Callum’s crazy breakfasts and Ben’s dancing in the kitchen. He missed Lexi’s cheek and her infectious giggle and Lola and Ben’s relentless teasing of each other. He missed watching that little family unit, sensing the love and joy and feeling that it was a part of him. Phil knew he would inevitably survive this tragedy but, for now, he was utterly miserable.</p><p>Ruby and Whitney were close to it all as they spent some time with Ben and Callum in the days following the crash. They found themselves acting as the conduit for all information from the shattered families to the residents of the square. Everybody was genuinely worried. They weren’t trying to gather a bit of salacious gossip to pass on; they just needed to know that the horror would one day be over.</p><p>Conscious that arrangements needed to be made, Jay managed to get Phil, Sharon and Kathy to have a civil discussion about the funerals. They were in total agreement: they wanted it to be one last perfect day for their sons. The funerals were huge, with teams of black horses with feather plumes drawing shiny black carriages. Proper East End. Phil was all in black: suit, shirt, tie. Sharon wore a long black veil and Kathy wore a black belted coat and a black trilby. They looked dramatic and impressive, like a mob family. Jay donned his old funeral attire and led the carriages. He wanted to do his best for this family who had been such a big part of his upbringing. But funerals can’t be perfect days and it was as horrible and difficult as it should have been.</p><p>Ben stood in the flat after the funeral, looking at himself in the mirror. He tore off his tie as he saw a tear rolling down his face. Why was everything so fucking hard? Callum watched him drop his head and could feel his pain. He stood behind him and touched his shoulder gently. Ben turned round and stared up at him, his eyes pleading with Callum: Help me! Callum reached forward and held Ben’s head.</p><p>“I’m here,” he said, pulling Ben in. They stood quietly, wrapped in each other, the minutes passing and neither of them moving. Eventually Callum pulled away, signing that he wanted to talk and sat at the table. Ben joined him sensing that this was important.</p><p>“If I’m in hospital again, I want you to be my next of kin.” Callum looked at Ben and pushed a card towards him. It was a next of kin card and Callum had completed it with Ben’s details. He picked it up, got his wallet out and popped the card inside.</p><p>“Did you get one for me?” asked Ben. Callum laughed and produced a blank one and a pen. “Right little boy scout, ain’t you?” sassed Ben, taking the card and the pen and filling in Callum’s details. He got out his wallet, ran his thumb over the leather as he always did – it was a little routine to connect him to Callum - and put the card inside.</p><p>“You and me.” Callum reached for Ben’s hand and then put his second hand on top. Ben added his second hand.</p><p>“You and me.”</p><p>+++</p><p>Ben’s birthday was a couple of weeks later and he started the day with yet another consultation with his doctor. Callum sat with him trying to process the information about the proposed surgery. The doctor kept turning to Callum as the hearing person and Ben eventually lost his temper. He clicked his fingers rudely but justifiably at the doctor.</p><p>“Talk to me,” he ordered. The upshot was that the surgery carried substantial risk, didn’t guarantee full hearing and there would be a wait. As they left the hospital, Callum held Ben’s hand and said nothing, knowing what Ben would be thinking and understanding that it would not be helpful for Callum to try to dilute the harsh truths; Ben needed to accept them. Ben gripped Callum’s hand and knew that Callum understood his pain.</p><p>Callum had arranged to have a little tea party with Lola and Lexi to celebrate Ben’s birthday, which involved Lexi turning up after school to make a cake. Ben sat on the sofa watching the mayhem in the kitchen. He recalled the many times he had told Lexi off for shrieking and was floored by sadness as he realised he might never hear her again. He looked at her and saw her sign,</p><p>“Don’t be sad, Daddy.” He smiled back at her, saying,</p><p>“I’m not sad princess. I’m just wonderin’ if you are ever gonna finish decoratin’ that cake. I’m hungry y’ know.”</p><p>“Patience is a virtue,” she chirruped. She was full of pithy phrases lately.</p><p>After tea, Lexi had lots of questions for Ben about the visit to the doctor. Lola and Ben had agreed that, as she was such a nosey little thing, it was best to keep her informed.</p><p>“So you might be deaf for the rest of your life,” she summed up bluntly after hearing everything, using the sign for deaf as she spoke. Callum and Lola glanced at each other anxiously but Lexi hadn’t finished. “YOU,” she said bossily, jabbing her finger in Ben’s chest, “need to start learning to sign.”</p><p>“You’re right, Lex,” Ben agreed. “But, also, I might not be deaf forever. I wanna hear your lovely voice again.” He tickled her under her chin and smiled.</p><p>“Don’t look back, Daddy,” Lexi said wisely, “it’s not the way you’re going.” Ben looked at Callum and Lola, his eyes wide, questioning but amused. Where did she get it from?</p><p>+++</p><p>A few days later, Callum woke in the middle of the night with a jolt, realising that Ben was not in the bed next to him. The only reason Ben would get up was if he couldn’t sleep and that meant something was wrong. Callum was already worried that the family birthday tea, which had cheered Ben up immensely after the hospital visit, would not sustain him for long and he had been waiting for the inevitable mood shift. He had witnessed a difficult exchange between Ben and a local villain, Danny Hardcastle, earlier that day and wondered if that was the reason Ben was up at three in the morning. As he arrived in the living room, he saw Ben, kneeling on a cushion on the floor, industriously wrapping presents and hurriedly covering them up when he saw Callum.</p><p>“It’s not your birthday ‘til tomorrow, babe,” he exclaimed frustratedly. “You fancied an early birthday present, did ya?” Callum obediently closed his eyes and made his way, blind, to the chair. Ben watched him almost trip over the edge of the chair. “Ain’t nice, is it? Not knowing what’s goin’ on.” Satisfied that Callum had his eyes tight shut, he returned to his wrapping.</p><p>“’ave ya seen the way Danny looks at me?” he moaned.</p><p>“Who cares what Danny thinks?” Callum started to say, but Ben wasn’t looking at him and carried on speaking himself.</p><p>“It’s like my old man, innit? They’re old school …”</p><p>“Yer dad don’t even know …”</p><p>“ … ain’t big on diversity …”</p><p>“ … so that …” Callum stopped talking, realising that they were talking over each other because they weren’t watching each other.</p><p>“The last time I got an ‘earin’ aid, the little one, my dad never even said nothin’, never asked, never wanted to know.” Ben’s shoulders slumped at the memory but as he looked up at his wonderful boyfriend, sitting there with his eyes shut so that Ben’s surprise wasn’t spoiled, he felt a rush of love.</p><p>“Maybe you won’t be like this forever,” Callum reassured him. “Hopefully, the operation’ll work. But you are like this now Ben.” Ben was concentrating hard on reading Callum’s lips in the dim light and the tinny noise that plagued him became a little louder with the effort. He frowned, willing it away. “An’ if you’re dad don’t wanna know, then he don’t deserve you,” continued Callum. “’Cause  who you are, Ben, is amazin’. Dealing with all o’ this is amazin’ and you are stronger than ‘im or Danny can ever be.” Ben’s face crumpled at the affirmation. He wasn’t used to thinking about himself this way. He loved Callum so much for his ability to see the best in him. Callum had more. “And, yeah, you are deaf. Yeah? An’ you might always be deaf for the rest of your life. But that is okay! An if yer dad can’t be there for that, then … then I am.” Ben’s walls came crumbling down. It was overwhelming to know that Callum wanted him for who he was, hearing or deaf.</p><p>“I love you,” he said, quietly and simply. Callum’s eyes slowly opened, hardly able to believe that this was the time Ben had chosen for this important declaration. He saw Ben’s soft, adoring face looking back at him and smiled inside when it quickly changed to embarrassment at being seen like that. Ben coughed and looked away. Callum grabbed Ben’s hand to reconnect and signed,</p><p>“I love you.” Ben’s heart exploded and he launched himself at Callum; they kissed gently then deeply then passionately. They were two men in love. Their ship might be in the harbour for now, but they had sailed her through choppy waters and they had weathered storms. They knew they could handle whatever came their way. They were safe together.</p>
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